Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Live And Let Live

Lets clear the air post.  I feel like this post has been a long time coming.  This is the last post I want to write but I need to get some things off my chest ovaries.  So while I am Candy Crushing(have been stuck on level 65 for weeks now..send me a life stat!)) my way through another two week wait.  Lets get some things straight.

Infertility in my book will and never will be a RACE.  We are all big fat losers in the world of empty wombs.  I will actually take the grand prize of nothing at being the biggest last place loser if it makes anyone else feel better.

There is no prize to be won. There is no Fertility Doctor handing out free babies to the first to complete five years of struggle or four IVFs.  If there is let me know...Kidding...Sort of.  

There will always be another person that has done more procedures, suffered more miscarriages spent more money and waited years longer than me.

Does any of that make me or anyone else feel less heartbroken while they are still waiting on their miracle. Quite simply a big fat NO would be what I would hope to hear from most of you.  A giant hell NO is what my raging hormones are shouting inside. Petty, competitive, gang up like, dramatic and condescending. Those are not characteristics I would be proud of.  And those are not people I associate with.

Feelings.  Everyone is entitled to their own feelings.  I think many women forget this.  Some infertile women simply are not on the same road as others when it comes to seeing or hearing day to day status updates or 5000 pictures of babies or baby bumps.  I am very thankful that pictures of babies do not bother me. Complaining about your child/baby/pregnancy is what gets me.  You have every right to say what you want but don't be confused when I block or unfollow you.  Baby bumps, well in moderation if I am being 100% honest, can be hard to swallow over and over again, all day, everyday.  Ask me again after this last IUI if I still feel the same.

Infertile baby bumps are a little different to me and do not bother me as much.  This is where we can agree to disagree on IF and Fertile Myrtles.  Why? Well, for one I am still infertile.  So any opinion from someone with said baby or baby bump bears no meaning on my feelings or opinions.  I am still struggling.  I haven't reached the "other side".  I do not know the feeling of a baby inside my changing body or the pleasure of smelling my newborn after a bath.  Simple treasures I have not been blessed with yet.  Also quite frankly because I am entitled to my opinion on my own feelings(see above paragraph).  Do I wish I could "just get over" these feelings.  Hell yes.  Who wouldn't?! But please respect everyone's different feelings.

To me there is a huge difference between someone struggling for years with infertility paying for procedure after procedure.  Going through failed cycle after failed cycle, shot full of medications for years, begging, pleading, praying for her time to come. Verses some crack head getting knocked up for the 4th time. To me it is very different.  It does hurt. Tremendously.  How many crack heads do I know? Maybe a few.  But I was being facetious.  The constant "mom puts baby in trash can" news on my FB feed happens one time too many for this barren lady.  Today was "man sits on babies head to shut him up." That broke the camels back. Making a new FB today to get rid of the constant, complaining statuses of how much a "pain" it is to be pregnant or be blessed with 2+kids and have no sleep.  So sorry about your horrible life and God given miracles.  No pun intended but....

I do not know if the people that are on my Facebook or request to follow me on IG(instagram) even read my profile info or click on the link to my blog.  The biggest reason I made my IG strictly private and for TTC Infertility girls is to have a place to vent and gain strength from positive people just knowing I am not alone. So let me apologize if you didn't watch my YT videos about why I may have made you unfollow me. Nothing against you personally but that is my only private IF/TTC outlet.  I still love you.  Once I climb this mountain and reach the other side even though I will never forget the struggle I am going through, I will most likely be able to add you without feeling hurt or guarded.  But for now, this is my decision.  Please respect that. I say this with a heavy heart and mean no hurt by it.

As far as unfollowing and blocking and unblocking someone(to make them unfollow you) goes, live and let live people.  If someone wants to unfollow you just let them do so.  If someone wants to post 300 pictures of their cats taking a crap in the litter box and you are deathly afraid of cats.  Not so much litter.  Unfollow them.  And please if you are the cat crapping culprit don't get your panties in a wad or be upset about it. Mostly don't email, text, or tag them saying how they are "wrong" for feeling a certain way or wanting to unfollow you.  Including making very rude comments as to why you are unfollowing them.  Just unfollow them and move on.  Besides I wouldn't want someone following me that doesn't want or like seeing anything I post.  Unfollow me please.  And no I will not be a petty idiot and tag you for "unfollowing" me.  I have bigger things to worry about like my husband coming home alive or in one piece than who doesn't like my picture of Barry licking his one ball. Don't bring it up he is sensitive about it.  This isn't life or death. Orrr isss it??  

 So either....

A) Realize that they don't have anything in common/were previously unannoyed with you because your photos were private and adding you was the only way to figure that out.

B) I would rather have 30 real, honest, caring followers who truly want to see my posts vs. 800 fake and phony followers who just are trying to gain "likes".

C) I can't believe I am writing this post to tell people to calm their tits and just let people do what they want.

If Instagram shuts down tomorrow we would all keep on living.  I have joked in the past of how traumatic it would be.  But lets be honest.  You are not going to die.  The people and connections I have made will always be there and I already have their numbers and emails.  So no worries on that one.  Life would just go on. Still infertile. Instagram or no Instagram. 600 followers or 30.  I am still infertile. Please respect each and everyone's feelings, pains and struggles past or present and just move on.

Barry would like to add that its one really big ball.....

Friday, July 19, 2013

Drive By Sperming

I just arrived at my appointment an hour early. My adorable nurse called yesterday and asked me if I could come in early today. Due to a busy baby making IVF schedule Dr. H has today, of course I did.  So I left work early, ran home changed and took care of the pups since I won't be back until later than usual.  I swear it feels like they should have a drive through window setup for IUIs. I will take a number 4 IUI with a shot of Ovidrel hold the cramping.  But then all the creeps would be hanging out waiting to catch a glimpse of what's under the sheet.

Which makes me want to grow my hair out and cut out little designs. Like an arrow or a heart.  I wonder what Dr. H would think of my artistic ability. It would be worth a laugh. Or twelve.

Seneca Crane(Hunger Games) meets Minion..totally doable...

So my vaginal ultrasound went well. Correction. "Perfect".  That is what Dr. H said. He even said the word "Doublets" again and my heart skipped a beat. Two perfect 25 and 26mm follicles on the right and smaller ones on the left. Lining and cervical fluid(which he has never mentioned until today) and is one of those little bubbles of hope I talk about. Both perfect he said.  Something different and new. Cervical fluid. Yep. Pretty sexy baby making biz going on over here. I actually started taking Evening Primrose Oil about 6 weeks ago and if the sperm make it to the end zone I will become a spokeswoman for that crap. Pinky promise. And if I get paid I will donate all the money to infertile couples everywhere.

I had my shot of Ovidrel. 250mcgs is what Mrs. L told me it was when I asked. Not sure what that means. I've had three so far. I know I get extremely bloated and more tired than usually than from just being on the Femera alone but as long as it eventually works they could shoot me up with 3 day old hot dog water. 

So now we wait for the sperm to thaw. Always waiting on the men. Typical.  And so in 45 mins I will have 6-7 million sperm trying to reach just one egg. If I am producing those of course. I have good follicles but that doesn't mean I have good eggs or any at all. Only time will tell. And more testing if this cycle fails.  But let's not think about it failing and only think about it working. 

This was me having fun while waiting on the sperm.  Dave likes to be the center of attention. "Look what I can do" "I can do levitation" kind of guy. But he is cute. I think I will keep him.  

7 million again this time. PTL! Could be better fresh. But we are using frozen for those of you just catching up. 7 million is a beautiful number compared to those that are handed 0. Thankful for every single one.  

A little waiting room humor from my husband half way around the world. He always make me laugh.  It and he is exactly what I need. Laughter.  He is the edge pieces to my puzzle. You know, the ones you find first that hold everything together.  "Making them out of old diaper boxes," FTW. I cannot stop laughing and envisioning him with diaper boxes on his feet. I die. And have to pee now but I am worried I will lose all our swimmers. Holding it until I cramp. So healthy. And not even the same hole. 

And the wait begins. I would like to add #nofilter #nomakeup #dirtyhairdontcare for the IG freaks. And for my own vanity. This is me waiting out my 15 mins of unfame.  The 2ww begins now. So if I don't post anything please do not think I slipped into a Jimmy Johns number 12 coma. I am working nights next week and will be adjusting from the normal 3am wakeup to the 10pm start. Don't expect to see any pictures of me trying to be cute either. Nobody wants to die. 

Prayers are always appreciated.  Thank you for all your love and support!! Eventually we will get there God willing. No pressure on me. It's already in his hands! Keep on fighting girls and keep those beautiful heads up!

My sweet friend Chelsea(her blog is on my page) sent me this daily devotional and it has been amazing. LOVE it! LOVE her! Prayers for her and her FET yesterday! This girl totally kicks major booty. Thanks again!

P.S.S (Post Script Script more thoughts after writing the post script) Now you know......your welcome.

And a huge thanks to Lauren for this beautiful picture and frame. I look at it everyday. And when I see it, it helps me to keep my head up and smile.  Knowing this was made and sold to raise money for an adoption couple makes my heart smile. You are such an angel. Xoxo

And a little trash TV humor....OK I'm done! Have a great weekend everyone!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Belly Flops and Round 4

Confused.  The state of the unknown or inability to understand.  I would say that is exactly how I feel along this path and at this stage of "where to go from here".  I guess it would be considerate of me to say our "third times a charm," wasn't a charm to say the least.  More of a flop.  Belly flop.  The kind that stings and burns when you smack the water.  But then it lingers on for a few weeks to leave you questioning what went wrong.  Again.  IUI number three was a bust.  Again.

How many more months can I go on doing this?  How many more slaps in the face can I take with negative results?  How many more anniversaries and birthdays will pass still waiting?  D and I passed our 8th year together as a couple over the 4th of July and another month still TTC, 67, not that I am counting.  Waiting on what seems so far away even after five and a half years of what other people take for granted.  Throwing in trash cans, or going to abortion clinics and killing what millions of women are praying, crying, begging, and going broke for.  Lets not forget these so called,  "parents" that choose drugs and alcohol over their own children. That go to jail at the expense of their children.  These babies and precious miracles are gifts from God.  They are and never will be what they call "accidents".  I firmly believe that God only gives you what you can handle, you are not cursed with tragedies, circumstances or "accidents".  Whether you are eligible to be on "16 and Pregnant" or a married, 32 year old infertile woman like myself; God only wants you to rely on him.  This is your test.  Your time to shine.  He wants you to reach out and call on him for strength. I'm not saying you will not be angry from years of struggle or heartbreak.  I am angry all the time.  I am still learning.

Remember my hulk episode and post a month ago.  I have those moments often.  But only when faced with liars, constant complainers, laziness, bad parents, people that smoke in the entrances to stores(thanks I don't smoke but I would love to walk into yours), rude people in general(when I hold the door open for you, a simple thank you would be stellar).

Ok.  Now that I am writing this it seems I may be angry more than "often".  Angry could be the wrong word here.  More like roll my eyes, mumble under my breath, pet peeve moments.  I blame our society and the way we raise our children.  Or don't raise them with manners and respect I should say.  But that would require a parent to not abuse drugs and alcohol, steal, rely solely on welfare, lie and cheat their way through life to even accomplish that.  What a viscous, continuous cycle we place upon these children. ((Big heavy sigh))

Now that I am veering off topic again.  I was only trying to say that we all have demons to fight whether our lives are polar opposites or we cross the same paths.  We only have to put our trust in God and have faith in his promises. I honestly don't know what kind of person I would be if I didn't have hope and faith.  Cruella Deville comes to mind.

So here we go again.  IUI number four approaches in a few weeks. Even though I do have faith and hope in this cycle, both have shrunk a bit. Kind of like a slowly deflating balloon.  Or a melting ice sculpture at a wedding.  I know once the IUI is done there will be another optimistic bubble of hope.  Maybe a different cycle day, bigger follicles, new symptoms, something to trigger a surge of more reason it will work this time. This is the one, I just feel it, when is it my turn, it has to be, re-surge of emotions.

However, reality has sunk in this month for me.  A whole year of being on fertility drugs and on the verge of four treatments later we are no closer to a baby.  No new answers, only more hurt and more confusion.  Us women put our bodies through this torture physically and emotionally expecting our hopes to plop right out in front of us in the form of two pink lines.  We are crushed when it doesn't.  Ran over by a bus could also be substituted here.  We cover up these feelings with fake smiles, avoidance, laughter, crying in the shower, snuggles with our furbabies and wine. ((Thank you Mrs. Moscato))

So what is next?  No more IUI's that is for sure. I am a realist, my husband being the optimist(thankfully) and it is time to regroup.  I am giving this last cycle everything I have.  I have a consult with my RE on the 19th when I go in for my u/s to check follicle sizes and get a shot of HCG.  Most likely we will do the IUI later that day but my body is unpredictable so I wouldn't place any bets.  Lottery up in here folks.

It is time to move on to IVF.  The odds are far more greater than any IUI that I have been given.  A lot more testing, fertility drugs and money but finally real answers with real results.  Not guaranteed of course, usually it takes a few rounds to succeed but I just can't keep being drug around by this disease like a rag doll when there is better armor to battle it with.  I can honestly say I am content moving on after this last IUI.  I have so many questions for my RE so I have no idea when we would be able to start treatment. My husband will not be home until November and we will be moving next spring.  No idea where.  Just throw a dart on a map. That's about all we know right now.  We will know by this winter and that will determine when and where our next step to completing our family will happen.  

Will we be here for IVF?  Will we have to start all over with a new RE?  Will we sell or rent our house?  Will we be able to take out a second mortgage or loan to try to have a baby?  Will we do IVF in another country(our luck we will get Japan).  Will testing determine if we can even have children?  Trying not to dwell on all of these questions but as you can see its all I think about lately.

I've been praying we stay on the east coast and all these questions are easily answered but we have been through so much as a couple I don't think know, there is nothing that this world can throw at us that we couldn't take down.   I'm totally getting us matching shirts that symbolizes that.  "Worlds strongest couple." Barf. I know.  I am not that person who talks about her perfect husband and perfect relationship 24/7.  Puke.  I am just thankful to have a partner who fully understands my feelings and knows what to say and when to say it on such a difficult road.  If you are an infertile, military spouse and you still have a strong, happy, loving relationship after its all said and done I will make you one too.  Because when it is all said and done as long as I have my best friend by my side I can be happy.  Of course times of sadness will occur in the future still being childless I am certain.  But happy overall.  I have always tried to stick by the saying, "you cannot let your struggle become who you are" or consume your life until you lose yourself. That to me is worse than the struggle itself.  So keep on moving forward.  Don't let your fears get the best of you.  Lean on your partner and build a stronger foundation because at the end of the day it may only be you and your partner for many years to come.  Mostly, just do not forget to live.