Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Douchebags and DIY

 "....let me tell ya bout' my best frienddd"

This is how my evening is going 5 days post Laparoscopy.  Why yes its been a pretty crappy day..or not so crappy you could say.

But first lets talk about this guy douchebag.....

Who walks around Walmart wearing a Hollister v-neck with arms smaller than mine, harassing women making derogatory comments. For example "small tits" to yours truly....this was after I saw him in the makeup isle trying on some lipstick  stalking other women.  This wasn't just a comment and a "ha ha ha I was kidding."  He actually had the nerve to turn around after I yelled to him asking a questionable but you better not be, "are you talking to me?!?" His reply was an asshole...without even a smile "yea..duh."  
Then my head exploded into outer space and I began chasing him like I just saw Mark Wahlberg shirtless walk by my isle.

Anyways my video on IG of him getting the third degree after a I take my job way too seriously but lovable security guard tracked him down along with small titsMcgee of course.  His running away(literally) and hiding for 30 minutes was no match for public shaming and my later witty comments. I gave him a clear lesson on googling my girl Jenna to rethink his judgement of tits when a female is wearing a sports bra..insert quick meme version of her YT video.

Lets just all be thankful my husband is in Afghanistan or other wise someone might have went to sleep in the bird seed isle, because we know no one shops there anyways(Chels). Moving on.  If you live in or around Jacksonville, NC and you happen to run your cart into him by accident don't be sorry.

Ok so I didn't get on here to blab about my daily freak encounters with the public at large. I could go on for days. I did however want to share with you what I have been doing in my spare time while not showering for days and recovering while trying to just go number two for starters. A little DIY for my craft loving friends. If you didn't know by now. I am craft whore. I love making things and doing those on a budget. 

Today I had some fun making this photo letter wall art of our last name and wanted to share my not so fancy but oh so lazy way.  I needed some practice since I will be making this for a friend as a wedding gift((spoiler alert)) and thought I might as well start on my own name first. So here we go.

Head to your local Hobby Lobby and buy all the letters you need for whatever word you're trying to create. These were $1.99 each and with the last name of Spurling..it cost me 16 bucks.  Orrr you can go online and download them for FREE here Leo Reynolds Collection!

Then take about 20 minutes deciding if you want to stagger or set them in a straight line...I finally went with straight.

You can buy all these frames for .97 cents each at Walmart like I did. Bringing the grand total for my project to $24.00. A whole lot cheaper than the $40-60 dollars I saw online. Or $8 if you download them for FREE above and can resist going full Charlie Sheen the moment you enter a Hobby Lobby. 

Proceed to trash the instructions and break the plastic pieces off the back...because you didn't read the instructions. That is completely ok, you will use the pieces later if you want.

The glass pops out of the front if you push on the top corner with a little bit of grace..I needed a lot of grace.

Get out your trusty glue gun..and begin gluing the frames together side by side...be careful not to glue them to your carpet or in my case, pillowcase.

Do not let a photo op like this go to waste....oh Barry sanders.  I could just pop his wittle head off.

 After you are done gluing the sides...carefully flip your frames over and begin adding a hoarders amount of glue(around two sticks) to the back side and cracks.  Hopefully your frames are tight and it doesn't leak through. Mine didn't luckily.  Now you can also use those broken pieces for extra support. I am a glue gun freak. Kind of like a hair dresser with scissors. I. Just. Can't. Stop.

While the glue is drying begin taking more pictures of your needs brushed photogenic dog.

Seriously this guy.  Hims daddy misses hims tons.

Then try to snap a picture of your finished project while not disturbing the Queen.  No really she is Beyonce up in this motha'.

 These guys are wore out already and we haven't even hung it yet...lightweights.

Hijack any photo hanging spare parts you can find (I stole three) and glue them to the back of your frame.

 You can be professinal and grab a ruler and measure out your marks for your nails or you can be classy and use the toothpaste trick by applying a dab to a spot on the picture hangers and once you have it lined up on the wall eye balling it all the way, press it against and voila. Marks for your nails. Classy. Lazy but effective.

Begin patching all the holes in your wall after moving around your other frames to squeeze this one in is optional.

Then you have to drag a 10 gallon bucket of paint inside that the builders left on accident when you bought the house. Thank you builders. And begin covering said patches. Don't even bother moving the leather sofa or new pillows..just hope your extra careful and don't spill any. ((rolling eyes, heavy sarcasm))
After that's all done and the paint is dry, place your nails in the toothpaste marks and hang your beautiful artwork. Be careful she is not going to be super sturdy unless you go all gung ho and glue a couple paint sticks across the back(I did not).  But I thought about it.

Stand back and be completely amazed that you didn't spill, scratch, stain or break anything while re-hanging and aligning all the frames sans husband(or wife).  There may be a few nails having a party behind the couch when we move that are later discovered but for now we will pretend they aren't there. And just later blame the husband.

Thinking about taking these down to move in seven months makes my head hurt but for now I will "Enjoy the Ride."

P.S. Thank you everyone for your amazing and supportive comments the last few days with our new found answers.  I am not sure what the next month holds but I would guess it is alot of DIY and crafty blogging.  Hopefully minus the douchebags.  Hope everyone has fun with this project and you all have a great week and let us not forget when America was attacked 12 years ago today. 

9/11 "Where were you when the world stop turning...." RIP to all the innocent we lost that sad sad day. We will never forget. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Poker Face

Day 2 Post Lap
I've been staring at this blank iPad for a few days now.  I would blame it on the hydrocodone I've been prescribed for my procrastination but we all know I am using that as a crutch to skate by with avoiding a new blog post. It's not that I don't want to blog. I have been trying to wrap my brain around the news of my Laparoscopy results for a few days now. Its pretty hard when someone can't even poop for the third day in a row and now I have the world waiting in anticipation and wondering if I hold the key to my infertility. Wondering if this train wreck of a blog is ever going to end? Wondering if I will ever hashtag #pregnantproblems in the near future like I see once a week. Hell to the No on the latter.

Describe how you feel in one picture?

Ehh..yeaa pretty much sums it up.  Minus the platinum wig and future stint in rehab I'd say I'm batting a thousand at pulling this look off for the past few days.  I even have the same pain pill induced state of mind to justify why I haven't showered in three days.  Forget showering, I don't even have the decency to change clothes to pretend that I care when I flop myself out of bed to let my dogs out long enough to pee and let my neighbors see me in the same clothes from Day 1.

Once I reach Amanda status I try to shut it down and then continue to just drool on myself until I completely pass out. Again nothing accomplished. No riddle solved. No feelings hurt from saying too much.

Day 3 Post Lap
Lets see. What do I remember about my surgery? Ehh. Nothing? I went into it feeling excited and very relaxed. The nurse doing my pre-surgery eval questions while taking my blood pressure and hooking up the IV to my liquid forget everything juice, questionably said "you're very relaxed".

Well thanks. Am I supposed to be nervous? Cause now I am.  My heart rate immediately increased a little. I think my dear friend Martha who had the Lemony Snickets series of unfortunate events of bringing me and then taking me home, entered my little pre-waiting area to witness my debacle. This area was just a bed with a curtain and some monitoring machines; where you are probably suppose to keep talk to a minimum and below a five.  Sorry to whoever was in the other surrounding "rooms".  My demoralizing fake seizures and laughs at plots to scare anyone who dare enter was never under a ten. I blame Martha if it comes down to actually getting in trouble. It was all her idea.

After a few rounds with the patient representative asking me if I was nervous. Which again made me more nervous. I mean geez come on give a girl a break here.  And then a visit with everyone's fave the anesthesiologist I was starting to realize I wasn't waiting in line for a trim at Super Cuts. A cut maybe. Or three. But ones that didn't involve hair. More like flesh and internal organs. However tiny they may be I like procedures that don't involve digging around in my reproductive organs possibly removing things while I am asleep and my husband is across the sea. So after these visits the nurse came back in and shot me up with some liquid sleepytime in my IV just to "relax" me now that a parade of people came through just to ask how nervous I wasn't.

This is the part that gets a little sketchy. I remember the nurse laughing at something I said and my guess is that it was highly inappropriate but ridiculously funny enough to tell the other nurse that maybe "I didn't need that extra shot of drugs." Obviously my crazy antics before any drugs were given was enough to make a few laugh.  Or then again, maybe she just wanted to be entertained.  I don't really know why I was given anything before the surgery. Either way. I think if I was a nurse I would've done the same. I like laughing and shooting people up with drugs seems like a legit way to get a couple of free chuckles.  Or lose a job.  I am sure this is exactly why I also couldn't be a nurse.  So during this waiting time of being zoned out of my mind I did a little Face Time on my phone. Which I do not remember at all. I later found this gem the next day and had a few painful laughs myself. Sorry if you have seen this already through my Instagram but I have to share part of my drug induced day with the rest of the blogging world.

Apparently Dr. H came in to speak with me as well...that was him at the end. This I also do not remember. I do remember them pushing me into a room and putting the oxygen mask over my mouth and telling me to breathe in. And boom I wake up and I'm in a wheel chair getting helped into Martha's car on our way home. Fully dressed.

I found out later that while I was helped getting dressed I turned and spanked my butt at my victim of a friend Martha.  In that moment I was VMA Miley. I'm pretty sure we all know she was on drugs during that performance. At least I had a legit excuse. Like surgery. What's hers besides a bad voice and no talent? Besides, Billy Ray Martha said she found it hilarious and I don't even remember the performance. So I call that a free round-trip on the embarrassment train to awkwardville. Sans memory. Thank goodness.

 Yes..yes I do...

While we are thanking our naked lucky stars about not remembering things. Lets be thankful for what we came here for. Answers. Boy did he not let us down on those.

Day 4 Post Lap

This sums up how I feel trying to eat anything.  I finally was able to use the bathroom for its sole purpose today thanks to a cup of coffee and a shower with some antibacterial soup.  I felt like if I waited any longer the hair on my legs would need more than just a razor.  The pain in my stomach is slowly going away no thanks to all the laughing over texts from my idiotic family and friends.  I am more bloated and a little bruised today more than the first few days but it will pass after a week or two I was resassured.  No complaints, I would do it 1000 times over again.  I was ordered not to workout or do any lifting of over 10lbs for two weeks so I am using Barry and Meia as my guidelines.  If anything weighs more than two Pomeranian's I'm not touching it. Unless its something edible. Then I will make an exception.

This was me after four days of not pooping and finally being able to eat something solid and all classy like.

So I when I got home on day one I had no idea what my results were.  The Dr. briefly went over them with Martha because I was too busy popping rufilins and spanking myself. But really I had no clue what happened even after she told me the jest of his summary.  I woke up needing to know right away, I felt panicky like I was robbed and I would never find out who stole my phone(true story).  I called the nurse line giving the office admin my hydrocodone third degree on, "How in the heck do they expect me to wait 12 days for any answers, are they crazy!?"

I am so sorry office guy. Overly dramatic week.

My phone rang later that day and it wasn't just my nurse relaying the news it was my Dr. himself.

Dr., "So I hear you want to know some results from the surgery?"

Me, No shit. But really, "I don't even remember having a conversation with you let alone remembering any results I was given(ha ha ha...fake laugh)."

Dr., "Well, both of your tubes and ovaries were blocked and covered but I was able to remove and repair everything without losing any of them.  The Endometriosis I am not sure how long it was there or if it will be coming back due to that it was everywhere.  Now that it is removed for the most part I am confident and I see no reason why you will not be able to conceive naturally. My only concern would be an ectopic pregnancy with all the scar tissue damage but with early on ultrasounds we will make sure everything is going ok. When you come in on the 18th I will go over everything in more detail and show you the pictures from surgery and discuss what the plan is if you are still not pregnant after a few months."

Me: (Jaw dropping, tears flowing, head spinning) "Are your serious? That is amazing news" I was really thinking holy effing shit! I murmured a couple more "ok thats great, and sounds good"...and hung up the phone.  Did he just say naturally? Wait..endometroisis? What a bitch. This whole time? What about the HSG? What if it comes back? How long do I have? Why is this happening to me? Is this just another joke? Why am I being blessed? OMG he said he was confident. I need to text my husband...omg I need to text my husband...ughhhh afghanistan sucks...am I going to have a baby......maybe? It hurts to laugh or cry...ouch....

My brain is still processing the realization that my Dr. is confident in us being able to have children on our own. No IVF. No more medication with the slight exception of some Femera or a shot of Ovidrel. No big deal. But no worrying daily about how we will pay for IVF or what if it doesn't work...or I can go on and on. To say I cried about a thousand happy tears over the past few days would be an understatement. You would think when someone gets labeled with something such as Endo they would be pissed off. Not this girl.  I will take whatever is laid across my plate...or ovaries in my case. To have an answer is indescribable. To think we may be parents sooner than we thought is a blessing.  To think about all my sisters still struggling is bittersweet. 

I can't predict the future.  I don't have a crystal ball showing me what will happen but the monumental fact that I have the WHY to my puzzle is a huge relief. It may have taken a long time and many heartbreaking memories to get this one answer. However, that is nothing compared to the hopeful happiness I now completely feel inside just thinking about the confident possibility of becoming a mom. I finally got a Full House...no folding this time peeps.  I'm going all in.

Mind blown.