No matter how you spin it, it always feels the same. Nothing can "sudden the blow" or give you "time to think" about it once it's here. No matter which way it unfolds the reality is that you are still infertile. No email to butter you up will make you feel better about your on going struggle. No phone call explaining what you already know that "you don't deserve this." It is still there floating around all depressingly awkward and shit. Never going away just always surrounding you like a thick fog where you can't see more than five feet in front of you.
I believe infertility was sent to rob me of everything and anyone pregnancy related. I just want you all to know I am not the one holding the gun. I don't know what is the right way to tell someone like me that you are pregnant. I think I already covered how via a text was a horrible idea but honestly after two emails from two important women in my life I feel like infertility just cleaned out the safe. Why should anyone in a great relationship and place in life feel bad for becoming pregnant when they are completely ready? I hate that close people in my life feel that they cannot tell me in person. It isn't their fault at all that they have a nicer uterus than me sans endo that gets pregnant when they want. I completely understand that they are just doing what they feel is best when it comes to announcing. I wouldn't wish infertility on any enemy and I couldn't be more happy for them. Point. Period. Blank. This struggle already robs us of so much as a person and a couple, I at least want the choice to share such life changing news with close family in person. I promise I won't be stabbing anyone if I take it badly. Just buy me a cupcake before hand. And some wine. And maybe pasta. Yep, better get the pasta. Hell, I'm not the one that's going to be buying diapers and staying up all night with a crying teething baby. I'm just again the infertile Aunt/friend spoiling your brat while holding him or her for hours and handing them off once they start to cry or need a butt change. Sounds about right. But really, to the ones who I am referring to I love all of you. I hate this for all of us. I am really truly happy for all of you pregnant bitches don't let me and my busted private parts get placed on the outside looking in. Just keep the whining about nausea and how tired you are to yourself or each other. Lol. I might have to cut you then.
And that's the thing. I am so happy for you but just pissed off and sad for us. Believe me when I say it isn't anyone's fault except infertility itself. Everyone is doing what they think is best and I appreciate that 100% but at the same time I feel like I deserve some more credit. I've spent multiple deployments away from my husband while dealing with IF and life's ups and downs alone so believe me I can handle anything at this point. Out of all the emails I get annoucing another baby to be they all start out and finish the exact same way. Typically a "I am so sorry to write this" or a "I've been dreading writing this for the longest time." I already know without even opening the email to place that one in the you're still not pregnant inbox until I'm having a good day; aka down a bottle of Moscato. It is what it is and I know there isn't a guidebook with all the answers and so what works for one person might be completely wrong for another. I just know me and how it makes me feel to be robbed by infertility and robbed of getting a choice to be happy or sad to share such great news in a honest and personal way. What does everyone else think?? If someone super close falls preggers do you want to hear it via phone, email or in person???
At the end of the day I am at the end of this road. White flag in hand. Ready to give that bastard a wave at any moments notice. I feel like I am failing now at faking an orgasm for over 6 years and the smile on my face is starting to hurt. Like an old actress with to much Botox. The past few months have been the worst so far and our big move to Missouri couldn't come fast enough. It's impossible to fake it or "choose" to be happy like I keep seeing year after year from people who would crumble over a bad week twice in the same month. I spent 13 months away from my husband on one deployment I know what "choosing" to be happy is. Yes I believe you can choose whatever the hell you want but that doesn't mean you will be happy every damn day especially when every month is a failure. A person can only take so much. I am human not a robot. However I am up for exchanging out a few organs, heart and brain, for robotic parts if anyone knows a good doctor. Speaking of brains. Insert last weeks blog about turning 34 this Saturday when I am only 32. Totally blaming my memory loss as a side effect from fertility drugs. My bad. Or is it my good? We will go with good since my period is starting again this weekend for the 72nd time. So pumped my 33 year old ovaries can hardly wait.
I will be trying to force myself to not set all our Christmas decor on fire this weekend once I drag them out of the attic possibly. But I am not saying that will not happen. There are no guarantees in crazy town folks.