Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Pregnant Infertile thoughts....

Don't worry after a few months of being absent hiding out from my blog, passing the time all knocked up and dependa like, now that I'm not working, this isn't a post of me going on and on about how preggo I really am.  I do however have a few things I would like to get off my now enlarged chest(positives people).

First things first. I hope your Cinco De Mayo hangover is wearing off by now. I mean it is 10am on a Wednesday slacker, really how many Margaritas could one consume during the middle of the week? Those of you applying for new jobs this morning I am assuming ALOT. Plus it is the dreaded bah bah bummm Mothers day/week. The one I dreaded for almost eight years. Staying off social media this week was a given some of those years depending on where I was in the up and down roller coaster of infertility.

Yes I still had my own Mother who raised me and in a perfect world I should be happy as a bumblebee in a field of wild flowers. But we aren't all bumblebees and those flowers sometimes feel like dead flowers or for me miscarriages or another failed infertility treatment.  Slapping you in the face and reminding you again another year has passed by and you still are not a mother.  Technically speaking of course.  People are telling me Happy Mothers Day but they never said anything last year.  So to those of you that had to give your baby back like I did and no one wished you a Happy Mothers Day then, I'm sorry.  They probably don't mean to be hurtful they just don't understand and they never will.  You are and always will be a mother my loves. 

Those of you still fighting, still dragging yourself to another millionth Dr. appointment shoveling out another lump of cash for what is starting to seem hopeless on this day or week, I'm sorry. 

I know what it was like to feel that way for a long time and to now feel completely different and free from hurt. I think my Instagram news feed after 4 years is now 90% of women with toddlers, babies, or pregnant with their second or third child as I scroll up and down.  I see it too. And I am sorry.  

Not that pregnancy shouldn't be celebrated or pictures of your blessings shared but I was there and at times over and over, picture after picture it gets to be too much.  I think in the past 7 months of being pregnant I've maybe posted 12 pictures of myself.  All of them a celebrated milestone of where I came from but I know deep down they still hurt at least a little.  I feel it when I go out in public. Wondering if that women in her 30's alone is struggling like I was.  I try not to make eye contact and it's hard to cover this mountain on my front side now but I wish I had a shirt to wear in moments like this that say, "Miracles Happen" or "My Dr. Knocked Me Up"......I do have two shirts that say, "Don't give up" and "Dream Big" but in those moments I am never wearing the darn things. So to the infertile woman staring at my huge belly in line at the grocery store. I am sorry. I understand and I wish I could tell you I was once in your shoes.  

I guess my point is that I am sorry Mothers Day is hard for those still waiting especially if you are waiting and a miscarriage survivor and I think about you more than myself even though now I am pregnant.  

I chose to be happy and not dwell on the sadness that's the only advice I have. Sometimes you can and other times you can't.  Throughout the past seven years I tried to stay in control and it was a constant battle of happiness verses sadness but it worked and looking back I am glad I chose to focus on the happiness in my life. No matter how small sometimes those moments were.  Who likes walking around all sad and miserable everyday? Not this girl. 

If you have unfollowed me on IG, I understand and feel nothing but compassion for you. If I had a genie in a bottle or access to Bill Gates bank account I would do work on your fight to becoming a mother. Reality is, Aladdin is a joke and we took out a loan ourselves for IVF so all I have is unlimited virtual hugs, a lot of love and understanding and someone to hear you vent. I believe you are all mothers if only in your heart right now and I hope your path to motherhood is shown to you soon.

Ok, so this should be two seperate posts but I like to live out side of the box. Honestly, I've been holding this in for months now. And even before becoming pregnant I have blogged about it but I feel like if you are following me on any social media it should be clear where I stand. Apparently it is not. 

Whatever I do while being pregnant or eventually as a mom is no ones business except my own or my husbands. I am thirty freaking four years old not sixteen and pregnant.  Please educate yourself on real facts before sending me junk mail.   I've cared for and watched nieces, nephews and cousins for weeks and months at a time as babies all the way up to teens over the past 18 years from being a babysitter to a nanny to a loving spoiling over the top Aunt. So please stop with the emails, the private messages, the comments on pictures on how I should or shouldn't be doing something.  I am not reading them anyways. So stop wasting your time and filling up my trash inbox. Thanks.  

I am sure there are millions of moms who feel the same way about these over bearing, know it all, my way is the right way mothers.  I see other friends under attack or getting schooled on what someone thinks is best for another persons child. 

Unless someone is putting a child in danger please keep scrolling.  

Enough rambling for the day. I will try to post something less vent-full next time like pictures of the nursery perhaps or of our mini maternity shoot with the boys names? Not sure if that's too much on here for some of  you?  I am still juggling not over-sharing too much preggo-saurusness. I am still paranoid especially after last nights trip to the L&D at 27 weeks. I'm home now and the boys are doing great just need to be taking it much easier than I have been apparently. I could have swore I was Superwomen for a moment.  As in, lay here in this bed and don't move unless you need food or to pee.  Which occurs a lot in the fourth third trimester with twins.  I would stand on my head if that's what the good midwife ordered but I'm off to devour some sushi which apparently uneducated people think is a huge "no no" for pregnant women. Along with decisions of me not having a baby shower, having our twins in our bedroom for 6 months after they are born, buying used items for the boys etc etc. to each their own people. Specifically my own. Thank you.  (click "devour some sushi" for some enlightenment). 

To all my future and current baby momma's out there keep on being the amazing mom's you are and block, unfollow, politely ignore or roll your eyes to those that just have a little extra time on their hands to tell you how to live. And you know who I mean.  To my infertile ladies just remember this post for future reference because it will happen to you my loves.  Until next time.