Sunday, October 27, 2013

Infertility to me is....

It means I am constantly battling negative thoughts everyday. So far positives are winning this week. 

It makes me question how much physical damage my body will show after years of fertility drugs. 

Infertility makes me question every thing I put in my body week to week and whether it will hurt my chances by having that extra cup of coffee. I know this is ridiculous. It still crosses my mind.  

Infertility has made me lose all sense of modesty.

I feel like there is a constant ticking in my vagina. 

Infertility/TTC has it's own online language. "My OPK was positive so we BD after having CM on CD 14 and I am now in the 2WW hoping for a BFP."

It places awkward or avoided pregnancy announcements on us from friends and family and that hurts even more.

I no longer want a baby shower. 

I no longer want to celebrate my birthdays. Not for wrinkles but for another year older losing out on time with future children, grandchildren or great grandchildren. 

Infertility makes me look bitter and angry of responsible, married, fertile couples when I'm just bitter of irresponsible, unplanned teen moms. 

Infertility makes me angry at said responsible couples that complain about the costs or complaints of a new baby and what pregnancy brings. 

I feel like a failure as a wife. 

Why can't adoption be a simple fairy tale process like you see in the media. 

Screw you MTVs Teen Mom and TLCs I didn't know I was pregnant. 

No I do not want your bratty kids for the hundredth time. Go get some birth control pills and be done already. And stop complaining about them to me. 

Yes, what you just asked was stupid and you should be embarrassed. 

Fertile people will NEVER understand this struggle and that's ok. But don't act like you have the key to my eternal happiness. 

I sometimes regret sharing my infertility because of douche bag people and their tiny brains.  

Infertility is not a competition but I've seen it bring out the ugly competitors along this road. 

I don't want sympathy. I just want a baby.  

I don't want sympathy. I just want a baby. Yes that was on purpose. 

Infertility is a disease that is not covered by everyone's insurance but the same insurance covers boob jobs and tummy tucks. 

No I do not want to come to your baby shower. But if I do disregard the flask in my Vera Bradley. 

I will never "beat" infertility. I will just (hopefully)find a way around it. 
Infertility is hard on your relationship.

Infertility has brought me closer to my religion, my husband and some family. 

Infertility has also pushed people away.   

Infertility is not a funny April fools joke. 

The holidays and vacations get harder every year. Especially Christmas. 

Music is therapeutic. 

Infertility has opened a special place in my heart forever with adoptive parents and women that choose adoption over abortion. 

Adoption doesn't cure infertility. 

Infertility hasn't made me want to adopt. I've always had it in my heart. 

Knowing that Adoption is NOT for everyone. 

Forces a struggle in the bedroom of added pressure that just isn't there for fertile couples. 

I have a stronger bond with women I've never met in person than with some friends and family members. 

I am tired of hearing "your time is coming." 

I struggle with giving up month to month. 

Infertility has made me numb and irritated to dramatic sympathy driven people. 

Infertility makes me feel like a broken record every month. 

I will never die from infertility but my heart may forever be broken deep down. Only time will tell. 

Infertility gets harder every year. 

I don't need an explanation or someone to try and say the "right thing." Most of the time I just need a hug and a I'm sorry. 

I don't understand women that have been in my shoes that do the exact opposite of what hurt them while still struggling when finally pregnant. This hurts the most. 

Infertility has made me thankful for the beautiful supportive people I have in my life. 

Infertility and being a military spouse. Yuck. 

I can't wait to close this chapter in this book. 

I want to be a foster parent and adopt in my perfect dream world and get pregnant like everyone says will happen once I do adopt. Pftt. 

Infertility. I hate you. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Don't be an Idiot while drinking your juice in the hood

I don't even know where to begin. Do I drag out the last month in all its depressing glory or do I just skip over to this past week which includes a homecoming of epic emotional proportions???

My husband and I have suffered great losses both recently. Both while he was in Afghanistan.  I have been drained emotionally if your wondering where I have been. There wasn't any witty comebacks or funny gifs to erase or fill the sadness that not only I but also as a couple separated by distance experienced.  So in all honesty I did what most people do. I avoided. Avoid blogging. Avoid conversation. Avoid reality. Avoid a pity party for one.  Avoid healing. You see that's what happens when you don't talk about pain or loss among other things going on. Since the loss of our dear friend C and our golden retriever Max, I've been walking around with an open cut. Exposed without any medical attention.  Not even a splash of peroxide that you only use anyways just to watch it bubble in the first place. 

Now that D is back I can at least put a band-aid on this wound. Even though we haven't talked about both losses much besides talking about what we remember and the good times or memories it still feels absolutely better with him just being here. Big sigh of relief. More about that in another post and time.

Before I go all gung ho on y'all and start giving life lessons and being over critical on the idiots of the world lets just understand it's been a long seven months. Idiots are something I have zero time for. Especially now more than ever. When you loose someone or something so dear to your heart it puts everything in perspective and really opens your eyes to the world and how lucky you are to just be alive. It would be easier if all the idiots of the world could wear a scarlet I. 

This way I could just juke move out of the way and dive head first into the wine isle when I see one coming and my day would be one less idiot free. The wine would be an apparent bonus for the bitter infertile(heavy sarcasm). Our alcohol/wine at our Walmart is directly across from the infant department.  The irony of this is not lost on me. Facebook has already taken my feelings into account with the "hide from news feed" button. When really it should be called "hide the idiot", or "nobody cares" button.  Loosen up people, we haven't even made it to the good stuff.

What does she mean by idiots? Good question. Hold the Christmas card you might be in this category. I feel like all my blog posts up until this point are pretty clear on where I stand but as a free refresher course let me explain. 

Idiots are:

People who chronically complain about life publicly. If you are not in a wheelchair or going through chemo please respect the fact that you are not in a wheel chair or going through chemo. Save your repeated morning sickness and bad hair days for a journal. No one wants to hear that shit everyday. It's embarrassing to even read. By all means freedom of speech it up but please don't get offended or surprised when someone ignores your calls or blocks you from everything social media. And eventually their life. I know a very special friend that would give anything to have her husband and father to her baby back and seeing you cry about traffic or going to work makes my skin jump off of my body when I accidentally don't click to my own page in time. For you panty wads, I am not talking about the occasional flat tire(we all know that sucks) but simply those that just ruin life in general with their constant negativity. Kendrick Lamar says don't kill his vibe. I agree. 100%. 

People that are twerking in public. I remember when I was young and we did that at a club. You know the one with the dark lights where you couldn't see what the person really looked like until last call and then the lights came on and people scattered like the roaches they were. And you paid 10 bucks to get inside. Do they not have those anymore? The last thing I want to see while grabbing some frozen peas is your booty bouncing up and down because "that's my jam just came on." No mam. You are an idiot. This isn't the VMAs or BET awards and your name isn't Miley. Or is it???

I have a long list but that would take all day so I would also lastly include pushy parental advice givers or PP(parental police as I like to call them) but obviously I am missing part of that equation. Just note for future reference if I do become blessed with a stinky bundle of joy please don't push me over the edge with your opinions of cloth diapering(not doing that) or breast verses formula battle. I fully believe every child is different and yes while there should be guidelines for "idiots" I think people should mind their own business if the said stinky child is not being harmed or negatively affected. I'm not washing a poop filled diaper by hand and then putting it in my washer.  Sorry. Not for me.  If your stomach, nose, and patience can handle this then more power to ya sister. Mega props.  Point is just respect everyone's decisions to do things differently. Enough said idiots. Moving on. 

So I'm still not pregnant. Surprise, surprise. My husband got back from his 7 month deployment last week if you are just joining this dramafest.  And since we stopped at IUI number four in August it would be impossible.  With his baby that is.  It does happen people.   My Laparoscopy went pretty good as I already discussed earlier and I was on femera this cycle with no trigger shot this time. I had my typical date with the pleasure cam(transvaginal ultrasound for the fertiles) Monday.  It didn't look very promising with only one follicle which was a let down of sorts and surprising. I'm usually good at producing those nuggets like a champ on femera but my dose was apparently too low this time. So next month it's back to 5mg and hopefully more than one potential baby egg. I haven't been temping or opking. Just a lot of BDing and praying for a miracle(not counting that one follicle out yet). Now that D is back, even though he has, "make sure you're normal and don't go killing your wife or public class," and then his leave starts next week. I've been just spending my free time with him and alot of DVR. The Voice, Walking Dead, The First 48, Amazing Race, and alot  mostly ESPN. 

Has nothing to do with anything but I'm addicted to The Voice and I loath WF.

 Sorry blogging world. I will try to be more present and less Amber alertish. So for the real talk.
Before I share some amazing moments from last week I want to share again what I try to engulf myself with after years of this struggle.  I constantly get emails, comments, and questions of how I stay so strong or happy.  Believe me its not a cake walk dealing with an absent husband who isn't in the safest place on earth but I am no American hero.  You can be happy in this struggle. Never let IF become who you are or consume your identity. It has a tendency to soak us up like a sponge and drown out all our happiness. Wring that shit out girlfriend. Eventually we will find a way around or through to some sort of peace.  I know I did and it feels so good. Do not, I repeat, do not compare your beginning to someone else's middle or ending(stole that from online but it's oh so true).  You will make yourself miserable by doing just that. Go out and live life and relish in what you already have without comparing it to someone else. You are alive and you have so many things to be thankful for.  Our time of being tired and up all night is coming. Enough of the high horse pep talk but seriously I hate seeing people hurt from this on the regular.  It will always be there and yes there are ups and downs but try to make the ups happen more than the downs. I swear it is possible.   Meanwhile many prayers for hope, peace, happiness and BFPs darlings. 
Oh and many virtual hugs. I know you needed one. We all do. Till next time.