Friday, January 24, 2014

Scarlet U

I woke up at five am today and made some damn tea.  No not just regular tea but some DAMN tea. Before you jump to conclusions I am not an overachiever that wanted to get a head start on the week from hell just to squeeze out every minute of quality time with this nightmare. Rather I couldn't sleep. They skipped over the uncommon side effects part of taking two shots of Methrotrexate to the hips just to surprise me when I woke up at 1am choking up a lung. It's my fault honestly. I have this idea about myself. I have this hulk skin except I'm not green but more pasty white. Damn winter. Like I can get through anything that normally would require an emotional breakdown. Even alone. Of course my husband being a Marine and not being able to "take off work" or "call in sick" because his wife is going to her appointment to remove their baby they waited years for does factor into really having no other option. Pity party for one. But when you get down to the core of people I think honestly alot of people suck at being strong or grateful.  That's not what I meant.  Actually it is.  Some humans do suck the life out of others by crying about the burger with the cheese they didn't order as if it's the end of the world.  Then there is little Johnny who might not make it to his fifth birthday because he has cancer.  I just can't with a lot of people. I feel like going out in public is a task. The eye rolling, omging under my breathe, long stares at pure ungrateful stupidity leaves me feeling hateful.  I just want the authority to walk around slapping ungrateful people when it's deemed fit. Like an ungrateful stupid police.  Hell, it doesn't even have to be me as long as someone is correcting these dumbasses. And also that person can't talk for the rest of the day. Maybe even throw in an ugly cropped sweater with a giant scarlet U after the slapping is over.  Sounds pretty legit to me. These genius ideas are always getting me off track.

Either way I didn't look into uncommon side effects from the MTX. Hello. I am the uncommon side effects girl. Is it my weakend immune system from years of fertility drugs? I would bet my pasty ass it is. Bronchitis, pneumonia, shingles, horrid flus ever since I've been on them. And now just 12 hours after the MTX shots I feel like pneumonia or bronchitis is here to party. I felt great health wise before the shots. Not even a sneeze or sniffle. I guess bleeding the Red Sea for eight days and feeling like your reproductive goods are being scraped out with a dirty spoon wasn't enough. It's comical. Really I'm laughing at just how miserable it can be. Why would my body take the easy route. That would be a first. But still I sit here with this stupid tea and gobs of Vicks vapor rub on my upper lip thinking about how thankful I am just to be alive and still have a uterus. And I don't need Facebook to validate just how miserable I am. There's enough cry babies on there to last ten lifetimes. 

I only hope that by sharing my experience that someone else is reading this thinking damn. Me too. Or they haven't yet but it will happen and they will think back to this post and know they aren't alone. 
Regardless of the bronchitis/pneumonia hopefully the MTX is working and my body is giving up the baby sans surgery route. Monday can't come fast enough. If my HCG hasn't dropped then under the D&C route I go. Another job experience to add to the resume of infertility.  

So where do we go from here? Good question. It will be at least six more weeks until we can even "try" again with medication. I am not sure how I feel about that. If I am being completely honest. I don't think I can go through this again. Hulk skin and all. This test was no walk in the park. I did enjoy stealing all of the pads out of my REs dressing room after driving 16 hours in one week and having my 5th blood test in a fit of emotional breakdown rage.  They can cover that with the thousands we spent on failed IUIs. Now where's my scarlet U. I'm wearing that shit with pride. 

IVF seems so much easier now for me.  If only financially that was an option at this time. Skip right over my scarred up tubes and straight to the uterus. Do not pass go do not collect a tubal pregnancy.

In the meantime I will be focused on renting out our house, packing and moving to boringtofarfromfamilyville Fort Leonardwood, MO. Easy with the positives Rachel. Save some for the rest of the world. 

Thank you to everyone who has texted, emailed and messaged us with much love and support. I apologize if I haven't responded to some of you. Eventually I will get there. And I'm sorry I left some readers off in blogger snoozeville with no one to make fun of, no good memes to see or nothing good to read like the word damn with conviction all while I was gone being a huge vagina. I will try to be more accountable. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Gone Too Soon

Miracles do happen and then sometimes are taken away. 
Hearts shattered from that one single day. 
Gone too soon before we felt safe to share the news. 
Six whole weeks and now we must choose. 
Every doubling beta just as they should. 
70, 170, relieved that the numbers looked good. 
We only told a few close family and friends after test number two. 
Could this be it? Was our dreams and years of waiting coming true?
Then a few days before the first ultrasound I started to bleed. 
Panic. Dreams crushing. Helpless. In need.
We left the hospital after a long night of tests and was told everything was ok. 
A few ruptured cysts, a new number, 1200, and so we prayed.
We lost our grandpa that week. 
May he forever rest in peace.

Gone too soon.

Then finally the ultrasound we had been waiting over six long years for was here. 
A tripled beta but no sac in the uterus which was our biggest fear. 
After a long weekend of emotions feeling completely drained. 
My face and body was tired from hiding the actually pain.
We came home from a memorial to only privately have one of our own. 
Our fourth appointment an, "ectopic pregnancy" is what we were told and shown. 

Gone too soon. 

I had already wondered if you we're a boy or a girl. 
Daddy and I talked about you like you were our whole world.
And now as I sit here thinking about having to force you to leave. 
You were the only thing in life I hoped for and now we must grieve. 
Will my body do it's job when it's been broken for so long?
All I can do is listen to that damn Beam Me Up song. 
Why me? Why us? 
Haven't we been through enough?
If I was an unmarried teen mom would my road have been this rough!?
We spend thousands on treatments just to be slapped in the face. 
Our insurance companies are definitly a shameful disgrace. 
But we carry on and pick ourselves up from the mess.  
We may be bitter or angry and also depressed. 
Never weak because we have handled all of these damn tests. 
We are stronger and will appreciate our miracle more from this. 
You were our hope, joy and shortly our bliss. 
When the time comes and we have what we've wanted most. 
You will be one more angel up in heaven standing guard at your post. 

Gone too soon. 

I wrote this for all my sisters still waiting and to those who have lost their miracles. You are not alone. Much love too you all.  Keep your head up loves.