Sunday, October 27, 2013

Infertility to me is....

It means I am constantly battling negative thoughts everyday. So far positives are winning this week. 

It makes me question how much physical damage my body will show after years of fertility drugs. 

Infertility makes me question every thing I put in my body week to week and whether it will hurt my chances by having that extra cup of coffee. I know this is ridiculous. It still crosses my mind.  

Infertility has made me lose all sense of modesty.

I feel like there is a constant ticking in my vagina. 

Infertility/TTC has it's own online language. "My OPK was positive so we BD after having CM on CD 14 and I am now in the 2WW hoping for a BFP."

It places awkward or avoided pregnancy announcements on us from friends and family and that hurts even more.

I no longer want a baby shower. 

I no longer want to celebrate my birthdays. Not for wrinkles but for another year older losing out on time with future children, grandchildren or great grandchildren. 

Infertility makes me look bitter and angry of responsible, married, fertile couples when I'm just bitter of irresponsible, unplanned teen moms. 

Infertility makes me angry at said responsible couples that complain about the costs or complaints of a new baby and what pregnancy brings. 

I feel like a failure as a wife. 

Why can't adoption be a simple fairy tale process like you see in the media. 

Screw you MTVs Teen Mom and TLCs I didn't know I was pregnant. 

No I do not want your bratty kids for the hundredth time. Go get some birth control pills and be done already. And stop complaining about them to me. 

Yes, what you just asked was stupid and you should be embarrassed. 

Fertile people will NEVER understand this struggle and that's ok. But don't act like you have the key to my eternal happiness. 

I sometimes regret sharing my infertility because of douche bag people and their tiny brains.  

Infertility is not a competition but I've seen it bring out the ugly competitors along this road. 

I don't want sympathy. I just want a baby.  

I don't want sympathy. I just want a baby. Yes that was on purpose. 

Infertility is a disease that is not covered by everyone's insurance but the same insurance covers boob jobs and tummy tucks. 

No I do not want to come to your baby shower. But if I do disregard the flask in my Vera Bradley. 

I will never "beat" infertility. I will just (hopefully)find a way around it. 
Infertility is hard on your relationship.

Infertility has brought me closer to my religion, my husband and some family. 

Infertility has also pushed people away.   

Infertility is not a funny April fools joke. 

The holidays and vacations get harder every year. Especially Christmas. 

Music is therapeutic. 

Infertility has opened a special place in my heart forever with adoptive parents and women that choose adoption over abortion. 

Adoption doesn't cure infertility. 

Infertility hasn't made me want to adopt. I've always had it in my heart. 

Knowing that Adoption is NOT for everyone. 

Forces a struggle in the bedroom of added pressure that just isn't there for fertile couples. 

I have a stronger bond with women I've never met in person than with some friends and family members. 

I am tired of hearing "your time is coming." 

I struggle with giving up month to month. 

Infertility has made me numb and irritated to dramatic sympathy driven people. 

Infertility makes me feel like a broken record every month. 

I will never die from infertility but my heart may forever be broken deep down. Only time will tell. 

Infertility gets harder every year. 

I don't need an explanation or someone to try and say the "right thing." Most of the time I just need a hug and a I'm sorry. 

I don't understand women that have been in my shoes that do the exact opposite of what hurt them while still struggling when finally pregnant. This hurts the most. 

Infertility has made me thankful for the beautiful supportive people I have in my life. 

Infertility and being a military spouse. Yuck. 

I can't wait to close this chapter in this book. 

I want to be a foster parent and adopt in my perfect dream world and get pregnant like everyone says will happen once I do adopt. Pftt. 

Infertility. I hate you. 


  1. You and me both girl, you and me both....

    I posted something similar today... some days are just so much more wearing than others.

    I get every word of what you said. Hoping this chapter can close soon for you.

  2. I feel ya, perfectly said.

  3. Dennis Buck aka "Dad"October 28, 2013 at 10:18 AM

    Know your Dad loves you and wishes that there was something he could do. Know also that he has come to realize that the "try and fix it all guy" realizes there is nothing he can do but pray, tell you he loves you, tell you that he is so very proud of you and remind you he is here for you in "any" way he can. Afraid of saying the wrong thing I often keep silent. Know that the silence is not because I dont think of you and this all the time. Trust in God. You will find a way around this. Use the hardheaded stubbornness that you inherited from me and hang in there. Love Dad

  4. I could copy and paste this for my own feelings. You are so dead on. My journey is a little different than yours, but the ending is the same - no baby... I can get pregnant it turns out... but I can never hold on to them. Yesterday it was confirmed I am going through Loss #4. It sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. I always check for your videos and blog updates, hoping to see that you have received the best news. You so deserve it. I pray 2014 is the year you become a mom.

  5. I wrote a similar post and gave you credit, but just wanted to say how much I loved reading this. But I don't love the fact that we are in this boat in the first place. xoxo <3