Thursday, October 23, 2014

I don't want to be Snoopy. I want to be a pretty girl.

If you don't watch American Horror then sorry that you don't get my title. But there is a thing called google in 2014. Hurry back. Then remember to netflix it later.  I am addicted to that and The Walking Dead and The Voice. That's about it. Good to know. You're welcome. 

I wrote this last week but after seeing an article with this exact thinking again online I had to hit the publish button. 

"I knew a couple that struggled for years to become pregnant then they gave up and pursued adoption and then became pregnant naturally with twins."

Raise your hand if you have heard this more than the number of times you actually thought about being able to afford adoption.  Oh look weird my hand is raised.  Raise your other hand if it is absofuckinglutely impossible to become pregnant naturally. Again weird. Both hands are raised. 

A mermaid riding a unicorn on a rainbow made of skittles is more likely to occur.

Or Mr. T. 

Show off. 

So thanks for the reminder of how incapable I or women like me, actually are when it comes to getting knocked up without shoveling out thousands of dollars to indure weeks of shots, drugs, traveling 4 hours to dr appointments every other day, the migraines, bloat and side effects from said drugs, including awesome hot flashes and hormonal breakdowns wanting to kill our spouses just because they left the light on in the bathroom. 

Yes. I am so thrilled for John and Jane Doe that they could not only afford adoption but they are now pregnant with twins. Naturally. Let me borrow that rusty knife so I can go carve out my uterus into the shape of a heart and give it to them.

Or how about we cut out your tongue so you can never say anything stupid to me ever again? 

I get it. Wow. It's a miracle. Congrats. But I really think the fertile world doesn't get that their are many of us that absolutely can never become pregnant on our own. And we always get the ignorant comments by said fertile people that makes us roll our eyes or feel like the new nurse diagnosed with Ebola. 

You always hear of a friend of a friend of a friend who this has happened to. For me over the years it has went from annoying yea that will never be me. To now it will never ever be me thanks for rubbing it in.  Now that I am the girl with the dragon tattoo. 

Wait. That's not right. 

...Now that I am the girl with no tubes. It's all I can do to stop from raging out on someone followed with a huge feeling of worthlessness. 

I don't want to be snoopy. I really want to be a pretty girl. I feel like a set of large, dimply ass cheeks for not jumping for joy inside like a normal fertile person would but at least I acknowledge that I should be jumping for them. I just can't right now. Or maybe ever.  I'll always be snoopy. 

If our baby had made it through my disastrous left tube and I went on to give birth seven months later I wouldn't ever want someone to tell my "story" to another infertile woman in hopes of making them feel better.  It simply doesn't work that way.  In all my past experiences I still feel the same. Instead just tell them you are sorry.  If you know someone who is infertile or had a miscarriage, you don't make them feel better by telling them about anyone else who has "went through" the same thing. You only diminish their pain. I don't even do that to other women and I am infertile. You just sound like you want sympathy or you are trying to one up that person. And who wants to be a miscarriage one upper. 

Eww. The worst. 

Again just tell them you are sorry.

You don't need to go on about your cousins brothers sister who had three miscarriages then miraculously had some damn twins to an infertile.  Just tell them you are freaking sorry for crying out loud. 

I keep getting comments and questions about continuing to blog after IVF and delivery of healthy IVF babies. Honestly I would rather be spending all of my free time smothering my problem child(ren) to death with the bubble that is me. Nobody gives two shits about how much sleep I will or will not be getting even though a lot of new parents apparently missed that memo when deciding to reproduce.  

I'm pretty sure at this point with transferring two embryos my husband and I are fully aware of how far up shit creek we are paddling. Literally. That was the decision we made being able to only afford one fresh IVF cycle this decade and given a 30-40% chance of success so that's once again why we chose two(peanut gallery).  

I am pretty sure my tubeless, dimply ass will just be staring at them all night if and when they finally arrive like a seriel killer freak wanting to make table lamp shades out of their silky smooth baby skin.

Orrrr I will be crying on the phone for my friends to come over and let me take a shower or a long nap. (You know who you are and you already promised so shutup no going back now). I am not above that.  The last thing on the face of this fucking planet I would ever do is bitch on a blog about the common knowledge of how hard having and raising a baby is especially after IVF. I can't even right now.

I would love to write about how stupid all the d bags comments out there are after I actually know what it's like to physically give birth and take care of twins all day and night and to finally say I told you so. One of these days that might just happen. Or maybe it won't. Your guess is as good as mine. 

Until then just tell the poor girl like myself that you're sorry and quit acting like just because you know a John and Jane you are some how cooler, knows how she is feeling or is making her feel better by saying so and so had a miracle child after adoption. 

Because you are not. 

Again. There are woman that can never have kids ever. Period. Or women like myself who can never have kids without IVF. 

Just say....sorry. 

You got it. 

Thanks class.  

Side note. 
IVF meds are coming soon. I start stimming this weekend. I'm sure I'll be all ranty and bawl baby emotional or maybe not. I've heard bad stories and a few ehh. It's not that bad stories. 

Either way. I just want to have a successful live birth 10 months from now. Raging hormonalholic with loads of side effects or not. 

I'm starting to see the end of the infertile tunnel and it's starting to feel real.

Enough bitching for the day. Glad you stopped by. 

Love your tubeless snoopy. 

Thanks for not giving up on me yet. 

I promise I'm a good person. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Kids Are Assholes. Duh.

Oh hey it's me again. Your unfaithful blogger. Sorry I've been cheating on you with life lately aka pretending to be Martha Stewart while people here locally in misery try to have me make them shit for free practically. Anyways that's a whole new post that I would rather save you from.

Really though, I'm not used to this thing called a husband being around without counting down our days until a deployment or homecoming and it's been fucking awesome. I am thankful for many things in my life even though this tiny corner of my world is placed on a giant pedestal for the world to stand back and judge and form an opinion about me from out of context.  

You see. This corner is but a tiny snippet of the film that is my life. I talk, vent, and share because I know I am not the only person feeling like a bull in a china shop when I complain about infertility costs, our own disfunctional bodies, hearing woman complain about pregnancy, kids and their husbands.  Let's not forget to mention the always encouraging "you just wait" statement

We all know kids are assholes. Hell babies are assholes too. Tell me something we don't know. Crying and pooping and waking you up every few hours when you just got to sleep. Hello fuckhole it's a baby!!!! Quit bitching about sleep or lack there of to the world because you only look like huge giant pale white assface. I just made that word up for you. You're welcome. No one wants to read about the obvious common sense that comes along with the privilege of being a parent.  And I don't even follow your blog or blogs like yours. But I have friends that do just for entertainment purposes and they occasionally send me texts of the links that I would find most fucktardish. So that's that.  The few people commenting or reading your insanely stupid posts need to quit patrionizing and lying to you. Or they need help as well. Jury is still out. I do know that you, yes you, should never blog ever. Again. That's for. ever. (Read very slowly so it sinks in) f o r e v e r. 

Then there's the moms that know everything about nothing and judge you because you are mixing up formula instead of popping out a tit. Why can't people just mind their own fucking business. Keep it simple. Is the child being fed? Is he or she clothed and loved? If the mother isn't walking the corner looking for a crack rock with baby in tow then who are you? The breast milk police? I swear people have too much time on their damn hands. I dare someone say something to me if I am not able to breast feed. Double. Fucking. Dare. #pipethefuckdown

Point is just because we are infertile it doesn't mean we don't know how much of a pain in the ass babies and kids are. Infertility doesn't discriminate against women who know nothing about babies or children.  Many of us are siblings, teachers, nannies, social workers, aunts, and step parents to name a few. You telling me, "just wait and see" doesn't make me want to become pregnant any less. It actually just makes you look like an asshole. I've waited a long time and because you can't control a three year old in the toy section of Walmart, it is actually hilarious to me. I look forward to that day and many like it. 

All of the years of waiting, the heartbreak, the dr appointments, the probing, the medications, the shots, the money, the surgeries, the idiot comments. All are worth those days.  

So don't think by you telling me to "just wait until you have kids", is making me want one any less. It actually makes me want one more. Call it perspective I guess. Like when my husband leaves his wet towel on the floor instead of in the hamper in the same room; I don't go out shouting to single girlfriends "you just wait" or log into stupid Facebook to post a status about it. In life there are people who learn that these little things mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'm thankful my husband is alive unlike some close friends who have lost theirs. Their strength to keep going day by day gives me inspiration and strength to overcome this tiny corner of my world. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I may never be able to have children. We all know IVF is a 40% chance, but I am still alive and I still have my husband by my side. 

Until we overcome this tiny part of our life I will continue to look forward to the day that my kid(s) are losing their shit in a Walmart toy department smiling, thinking about all the "you just wait" comments pinching myself while mumbling "Is this real life?" 

-dedicated to the stay at home thankless moms, the working moms who have to leave their precious babies, the formula feeders, the breast feeders, the single moms and dads, the cloth diapered and pampers moms, the women who will never be bio mothers, the adoptive moms, the moms who just stay the hell out of other moms business unless a child is being neglected or abused. Thank you.