Friday, January 24, 2014

Scarlet U

I woke up at five am today and made some damn tea.  No not just regular tea but some DAMN tea. Before you jump to conclusions I am not an overachiever that wanted to get a head start on the week from hell just to squeeze out every minute of quality time with this nightmare. Rather I couldn't sleep. They skipped over the uncommon side effects part of taking two shots of Methrotrexate to the hips just to surprise me when I woke up at 1am choking up a lung. It's my fault honestly. I have this idea about myself. I have this hulk skin except I'm not green but more pasty white. Damn winter. Like I can get through anything that normally would require an emotional breakdown. Even alone. Of course my husband being a Marine and not being able to "take off work" or "call in sick" because his wife is going to her appointment to remove their baby they waited years for does factor into really having no other option. Pity party for one. But when you get down to the core of people I think honestly alot of people suck at being strong or grateful.  That's not what I meant.  Actually it is.  Some humans do suck the life out of others by crying about the burger with the cheese they didn't order as if it's the end of the world.  Then there is little Johnny who might not make it to his fifth birthday because he has cancer.  I just can't with a lot of people. I feel like going out in public is a task. The eye rolling, omging under my breathe, long stares at pure ungrateful stupidity leaves me feeling hateful.  I just want the authority to walk around slapping ungrateful people when it's deemed fit. Like an ungrateful stupid police.  Hell, it doesn't even have to be me as long as someone is correcting these dumbasses. And also that person can't talk for the rest of the day. Maybe even throw in an ugly cropped sweater with a giant scarlet U after the slapping is over.  Sounds pretty legit to me. These genius ideas are always getting me off track.

Either way I didn't look into uncommon side effects from the MTX. Hello. I am the uncommon side effects girl. Is it my weakend immune system from years of fertility drugs? I would bet my pasty ass it is. Bronchitis, pneumonia, shingles, horrid flus ever since I've been on them. And now just 12 hours after the MTX shots I feel like pneumonia or bronchitis is here to party. I felt great health wise before the shots. Not even a sneeze or sniffle. I guess bleeding the Red Sea for eight days and feeling like your reproductive goods are being scraped out with a dirty spoon wasn't enough. It's comical. Really I'm laughing at just how miserable it can be. Why would my body take the easy route. That would be a first. But still I sit here with this stupid tea and gobs of Vicks vapor rub on my upper lip thinking about how thankful I am just to be alive and still have a uterus. And I don't need Facebook to validate just how miserable I am. There's enough cry babies on there to last ten lifetimes. 

I only hope that by sharing my experience that someone else is reading this thinking damn. Me too. Or they haven't yet but it will happen and they will think back to this post and know they aren't alone. 
Regardless of the bronchitis/pneumonia hopefully the MTX is working and my body is giving up the baby sans surgery route. Monday can't come fast enough. If my HCG hasn't dropped then under the D&C route I go. Another job experience to add to the resume of infertility.  

So where do we go from here? Good question. It will be at least six more weeks until we can even "try" again with medication. I am not sure how I feel about that. If I am being completely honest. I don't think I can go through this again. Hulk skin and all. This test was no walk in the park. I did enjoy stealing all of the pads out of my REs dressing room after driving 16 hours in one week and having my 5th blood test in a fit of emotional breakdown rage.  They can cover that with the thousands we spent on failed IUIs. Now where's my scarlet U. I'm wearing that shit with pride. 

IVF seems so much easier now for me.  If only financially that was an option at this time. Skip right over my scarred up tubes and straight to the uterus. Do not pass go do not collect a tubal pregnancy.

In the meantime I will be focused on renting out our house, packing and moving to boringtofarfromfamilyville Fort Leonardwood, MO. Easy with the positives Rachel. Save some for the rest of the world. 

Thank you to everyone who has texted, emailed and messaged us with much love and support. I apologize if I haven't responded to some of you. Eventually I will get there. And I'm sorry I left some readers off in blogger snoozeville with no one to make fun of, no good memes to see or nothing good to read like the word damn with conviction all while I was gone being a huge vagina. I will try to be more accountable. 

1 comment:

  1. I would just like to let you know that I've sat here for the past hour reading through you entire journey. While reading & drinking my fertility tea... I've sobbed and laughed. My husband and I just started this journey. IUI cycle number three for us after trying for almost a year without any fertility treatments at all. While I was reading, my packaged arrived at the door with Gonal F injections, Ovidril, & progesterone... all part of the process. I just want you to know that I support you and I understand. Our first two tries were both failed attempts and each month I can't imagine moving forward just due to the highs and lows that come along with each cycle. My husband is not military and so he has been a great support through all of this. With your husband being away... and you left by yourself to get through each cycle... I just can't even fathom the strength you must have. I am amazed by you. We are considering IVF after this next IUI as well. It scares the shit out of me, but I just can't see myself doing IUI over and over again with hopes that it will take. I just want to move forward with knowing our chances are increased. I just started a blog this morning as I felt I just needed to vent a little bit. I've never blogged before, although being able to bitch and complain to an world I don't have to face every day seemed better than just hiding in my room all of the time. My two best friends both become pregnant last month, one with twins and my sister who is 4 years younger than I and who had been off BCP for only one month also just became pregnant last month. She told me the news at dinner, in public, where I clearly had to keep it together in front of all of those strangers. As soon as I had gotten through dinner, 3 glasses of wine later.. and sat into the car to go home with my husband, I truly just fell to pieces. That was my "hitting rock bottom" moment I think. For the first time, I allowed myself to cry, allowed myself to worry, and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself. This is such an insane struggle that you never imagine yourself being on. This was never in any kind of "plan" we had thought up when we were in our twenties. I often think, WTF did I do to deserve such a shitty set up. We have no known reason as to why I'm not getting pregnant. Which I think is worse than actually having a reason. Any ways.... this is way too long of a comment. Hah! Just wanted to say that I support you and I am wishing you all the best.