Sunday, May 8, 2016

Bittersweet Mothers Day

Can you taste that?

Its called bittersweet from what I've read. 

Not the chocolate you may have gotten on this Mothers Day but the feeling of love, happiness and joy twisted together with also knowing how painful Mother’s Day is for those who cannot conceive or carry a child full term.  More than I would have had I not suffered from this infertility. 

I do know that even though I think all Mothers should be celebrated we should also take the time to remember that not all women are celebrating today.  I remember disconnecting from social media days before this day when I was at my lowest of lows and I know many women who are right now feeling that same gut wrenching sadness.  The constant stream of celebration can be overwhelming for women still waiting or mourning a loss.

What I also know is that I will never forget all the tests, treatments, surgeries, needles ((oh my gosh so many needles)) but more importantly, the waiting and all of the unknown.  The baby that made me a mother first before the twins that we will one day meet in Heaven.  The tubeless body that will never conceive on her own ever again.

That bittersweetness right there. 

I do also believe that because I can now celebrate being a mother to live babies that it is coming from a good place and personally most women are not trying to rub it in anyone's childless infertile face.  

I am forever grateful as long as the sun rises and sets for the two boys God and one hell of a embryologist has blessed me with.  My heart has never been fuller.  Raising twins has been THE hardest also THE most rewarding, greatest accomplishment I have and EVER will do.  I knew for the longest time years before becoming a mother myself how amazing and indescribable being a mother would be.   I guess I thought about it for so long and fought so hard and now that my dream has came true times two I wish nothing more for those women still fighting to feel the same every day joys that my babies bring me more than I ever dreamed.  

To my sisters still waiting.  Today I celebrate you. Every day is Mothers Day for me. I don't need flowers or gifts to be considered a good mother.  I have two blonde boys that do that every minute of every day.  You keep me graceful on sleepless nights, when days are long and my tank is empty.  I think of you still fighting, still begging, still praying to be called Mama by a sweet little miracle of your own. And I hope that you get to experience that moment somehow or someway whatever path it takes to get you here.  I am always thinking of you. 

"On Mothers Day I can think of no mother more deserving than a Mother who had to give one back." -Erma Bombeck
Happy Mothers day to all the Mothers who hold their babies in their hearts, in their arms and in their dreams.

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