You Can't Sit With Us Christmas

Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la blah blah blah blahhhhh......

This is me apologizing in advance for my bitter post. 

I know what you're thinking. "Did your Santa eat too much Taco Bell on Christmas Eve?"

Nope. This is my Santa karma for being such a bitter grinchole.

Its actually funnier the longer you stare at it.  But seriously, I have asked this man six years now for the same thing and he has come up short. I am starting to think this guy is as real as my dream last night winning the lottery and affording IVF along with adoption at the same time. Boy was that a depressing wake up this morning when I realized I was still infertile and my insurance thinks my endo is an "elective" procedure to cure. 

So why does Christmas feel like its ripping out my uterus and putting it on display for all the world to see? Well, for starters, Christmas is a holiday about the birth of a baby, virgin birth of all things, go figure. Lets not forget that everything about Christmas revolves around children and is celebrated with family.  If you just found out you're baking a bun in the oven, recently delivered that bun or have a basket of buns then you and I are polar opposites when it comes to seeing Santa in the mall and wanting to tackle him and set his fake cardboard North Pole house on fire.

In short, this post will be confusing for you.

In reality next to Mothers Day, Christmas is almost equally dreadful to infertile broads alike.  Don't get me wrong. I have always loved Christmas. I am the girl who puts the tree(s) up after Halloween. I have always had my nieces and nephews for the past six years to fill the depressing childless void. But for some reason this year I can't even force myself to "get over myself". I try to block out the negativity that creeps up in my brain everyday but it is impossible lately. I can't fake it.  I am the eggless outcast.  I turn on the tv and its Black Friday this or Santa Claus that.  I am however enjoying the Kmart commercials with the studs jingling their "balls" to the tune of Jingle Bells or the I "shipped my pants" debacle.  In short the holidays+my birthday+6 years of infertility= a shit show.

I have some ideas on how to pull yourself out the downward spiral of crazy. 

Make it a double.  That one right there folks is my number one solution.  I like having enough adult beverages where it puts me right in between happy and numb. If you go too far you end up calling friends at 2am bawling your eyes out screaming how life isn't fair and you wake up the next morning feeling like a one night stand.  For the record I would like to state that I am not an alcoholic and I do not need A&E showing up at my house faking a meeting//pours third glass of Moscato.

Honestly I am trying to focus on the true meaning and spirit of Christmas only while counting down the day to my sister's annual New Years Eve bash in PA with my husband.  Between now and then that is the only thing I am looking forward too. Totally skipping over my 33rd birthday in 2 weeks. Cue the realization of why the holidays are even harder this year. If one more person tells me I am still young I will not say that I will not be able to punch them in the throat. Especially if you have a kid(s) and are UNDER 33.

Committing RAOK(random acts of kindness) will likely lift your spirits or donating to a child or family in need. Like "oh hey," the Philippines that just got washed off the map. I am sure your Christmas tragedy of my 50th gift will not arrive in time for my kid will be ok when Matapang Santos is just asking for clean water.

I am doing all my Christmas shopping online to avoid any public melt downs. But really because people are annoying and their spoiled, ungrateful kids they have created are brats.  Plus drinking and driving is frowned upon for some reason.  Weird.

Christmas will be spent at my mother in laws in Myrtle Beach this year.  I will be spending hours in her hot tub with an adult beverage in one hand and homemade chocolate peanut butter balls in the other. Along with a slew of a card game called Pitch that we play for hours at a time.  In all honesty if IVF costs and adoption were not a factor I would be sipping on a Mojito under a palm tree somewhere in Barbados. Not even realizing that it is December or that I should be making cookies for Santa or Reindeer food for Rudolph with my five year old.  Or the fact that I had a Lap surgery a few months ago and this is the prime time chance for me to fall pregnant. Hell, I can't even ovulate even on fertility drugs since my surgery. Thanks alot asshole. And by asshole I mean endometriosis. This must be my early birthday present.

Alcohol, avoidance, helping the needy and distraction. Those are my tips for surviving another infertile holiday. My husband is the funniest man I know so that's a given when it comes to making me feel better.

What are your feelings on the holidays? Please feel free to comment and share your ways of dealing below.

Meanwhile I will be writing another letter to Santa and it goes something like this...

With love and awesome advice,

Rachel

Ps Did you get my other 5 letters?? If they got stuck in the mail and you receive all of them this year, I am open to receiving all back orders. If I don't hear from you please note that you are an ass.

PSS. Don't forget to laugh.