Saturday, February 15, 2014

Valentine Valenshmine

As I lay here. 2 am. Two 5lbs of fluff on each side of my head. Pomeranians to be exact. Sometimes(every night) I just lay here and pretend they are human babies. Is that weird?
Whatever works for me. 

But really they are my snuggle bugs. I could just pop Barry Sanders head off at any given moment. He is so damn cute and such a lover boy lately. Perfect timing for my stupid fucking uterus and her twin friends the ectopic Fallopian tubes. 
Can't get anything past those two hookers.

So as I lay here on this after Valentines day morning. Insomnia set in. Bulldog Margarita wearing off. Fluff surrounding my head and neck. Cramped hand from typing on my iPad while holding it the air. I can't help but think of how much love I do have already in my life. 
I'm disgustingly thankful to be blessed with a husband who shows he loves me 365 days a year. Not just on this stupid Hallmark holiday. But everyday. We don't celebrate Valentines day in our house with flowers and candy or expensive uneccesary gifts.  We celebrate our love every day sans a made up holiday. 
Go ahead. Think we are just lazy cheap bastards. But really if it's your thing to celebrate then go ahead girl. Celebrate on. Turn up. It's just not our cup of tea. 

Of course if we had children it would be a different story. I'd be the overachieving mom baking the shit out of the cutest hand made intricate little fucking cookies with hand written cards wrote in calligraphy with a matching sick rhyme.   But we know how that goes. Womp womp womp. 
Touché infertility. Touché. 

Whether you are sucked into this love cest pool or not I hope you at least have someone to love or be loved by on any of the other 364 days of the year. 

Knowing that I do is enough to be thankful for even on such a bitter day. When it comes to counting my blessings I like to count the good ones twice. Because the bad ones hurt a whole mother trucking lot. Two points for me editing out my own blog for the classy folk. Sorry it's been a rough week. Did I mention it's 2am? And the Margaritas? Very well.

Mexican food. Margaritas. Robocop(which turned into bowling) with two of our brothers(usmc). Yea. That was our vday. I know you're jealous. What did you do besides watch some dumb chic flick and eat Bon bons? Have fun watering your flowers and watching them die. 

I posted a video on my YT channel as well of our IF journey. If you are bored and have nothing better to do than cry, my YT button is on my homepage.  I'm too busy(lazy) to post it directly here. 

As far as an update on the TTC home front. I'm still bleeding. TMI. Almost 4 weeks straight. I know it's part of why I'm so vulgar. Or at least a good excuse. My Beta is finally 0. Positives Rachel. Positives. I finally don't feel sick after only three weeks and my weight is semi back to norm.  
For now I'm not taking any more fertility drugs or scheduling any appointments. I'm done. For now. I can not and will not go through that again. My 60% chance is every time and it's not a risk I'm willing to take right now. Or ever. 

We are focused on moving to MO this spring. YUCK. After we get settled we will start diving into IVF. Sending those embies directly to the motherland. Screw you fallopian tubes. You worthless communists. 
One way or another. Most likely another (mostly broke) we will become parents.  It's just the waiting part that sucks. And the worrying if IVF will even work out the way we hope for. Honestly if it was free I'd be about 95% less stressed. But such is life. You win some and you lose some. Slippery slope I know. 

Luckily I have my 365 days a year Valentine to keep me company. Lucky. 

Get a room pigs.  

Happy not so anymore Valentines day kids. 


  1. Sending a big, supportive, snuggly hug. And another one, just because. <3 <3

  2. I jumped over here after seeing your latest vlog. I'm so damn mad for you. It's not fucking fair. I've been silently following your journey for a while and was so happy when I thought everything had finally worked out. DAMMIT! I am glad to see you still have your sense of humor though. My sitch is a little different -- I can get pg but just keep losing them. F***ing sucks. Sending you lots of virtual hugs as your body continues to heal. Also, totally on board with your ideas on VDay. We show each other how much we love one another all year long, instead of the day the calendar says we should (ok... maybe not ALL year. We all have our moments) My hubs and I made dinner and then watched some DVR'd episodes of something, before curling up in bed by 11. Perfecto!

  3. Found your blog today and wanted to send you hugs. Infertility sucks. I hope you feel better soon, hang in there :)

  4. Thanks for visiting my blog. :) I actually did not cycle in Missouri as I decided to use a doctor in LA near my family. I do remember looking and there are several options in STL.

  5. Nice to see a fellow marine wife on here :) I'm a new follower just thought I'd say hi and pass along some baby dust!!

  6. I just watched your video... I just want you to know I understand the devastation and defeat. You aren't alone either. xo