Just a number.

Sitting here it feels surreal.  Is this real life??

All the thousands of appointments have faded into some oblivion that is far away from here and now. 

The butterflies in my stomach and anxiousness in my brain is in overdrive again today.  I was relaxed all week up until yesterday. 

I have waited what felt like a lifetime to be shuffled along. "Fill out these papers....dot this line....the OB will be with you shortly. 

Wait what? This is insanely surreal. It is early in the morning the week of Christmas so the normal fertile crowds usually at a military hospital have dwindled to only 2-3 patients in the waiting room. None of which "look" pregnant. Why couldn't that happen the other twenty two times I came here?

  

Either way. This feels too good to be true. 

The butterflies are still circling. 

.....annnd in walks a preggo with a code red Mountain Dew complaining about her appointment out loud. Cue the typical, fertile, obnoxious, you owe me everything dependa preggos. Adjective overload.  Thanks for not letting me down hospital. I knew I could count on you.  If anyone wants a lesson on self entitlement 101 I could show you around this place.

My friend walks out as she finished her appointment that happened to be today at the same time as me and she is surprised to see me still waiting. I shrug my shoulders and tell her I would wait all week just to be here but really only so Mrs. Code Red could hear me with my scowling face four feet away.

She was never thankful to be just a number.

The number I longed forever to be.  
As I checked the box "twins" under how many I am expecting.  Not going to lie. I got a little teary eyed.  Talk about winning the infertile lottery. I am not the typical female, emotional girl who bawls at weddings or when babies are born.

I became numb. You start dating for a few years you get married you buy a house and then you start a family and live happily ever after.  That is what normal is.  People don't experience real life tragedy or heartbreak year after year so they can't understand what you are going through.  We took a different path but now we are much stronger from it.

Correction. I wasn't the emotional female.

You keep smiling about being just another number.  You tell people you're having twins and "are so excited" before they respond with a "Good luck" and you want to punch them in the face.  

They are just a number. They don't understand. They never will. And thats ok.

You know you have a long way to go but with each week you breathe a little easier.

I really could wait here all day to be where I am right now.

Shutup brain.

Don't cry in the waiting room. Don't cry you big progesterone bawl baby.

It's not her fault she's fertile and clueless. Code red basics that is...

She didn't spend thousands on IVF.
She didn't wait years to become pregnant.
She never drove 5 hours hundreds of times to a specialist to be poked and prodded unsuccessfully. 
She never started bleeding and had to rush into the bedroom to explain to her husband she might be losing their only baby they waited so long for.
She never bled for 60 days after an ectopic miscarriage.
She never had surgery to have her reproductive parts taken out without having a child first only hoping that IVF would work later.
She never thought at 34 she would still be childless.
She never had her husband inject her with shots hoping this 40% chance process would work in the end.
She never ended up hating baby showers and vowed to never have one.
The thought of staying up all night changing crap diapers and breast feeding never sounded like music to her ears.
She never felt bad for posting a pregnancy announcement or bump picture on Facebook in fear of hurting someone.
She never had to defend herself for stupid "just adopt(it's so easy)" comments.
She never avoided military company parties because she was the only one without 1 or 4 kids.
She was never told she would never have a baby naturally.
She obviously never gave up caffeine even before becoming pregnant because she was afraid of the unknown risk to hurt or damage the one thing she has prayed and fought for.
She never did not complain about her pregnancy to anyone.
She never cried from having morning sickness because she was happy.
She never stopped shopping and going on vacations or to visit family to afford IVF.
She never had a stash of baby things that have collected dust or given away over the years when she gave up hope at times. 

She never lied and said she didn't want kids after being infertile for so long that she hated explaining it over and over to invasive strangers.

She never switched Drs. multiple times or saw multiple RE's to help her conceive.
She never felt like a complete failure for so many years month after month. 

It took me a long time to learn that this plan we have for ourselves isn't ours to make. It's already been made.  I won't tell you it will be worth it or everything will work out in the end. I don't know those answers.  I hated hearing those responses from people who haven't experienced the same loss. I knew they meant well but it always made me aggravated like they knew his plan for me more than I did. 

I do know one thing. That once you reach whatever dream you are holding on to, the waiting and the pain isn't as big as the joy and absolute happiness is from reaching that dream. You just have to trust me on that one. 

Believe me. The pain you pushed away is still in there. Standing in the corner like the bad kid who broke all the crayons on the first day of school(my future kid). You block it out. I always tried to block it out anyways.  Yes I had some bad moments here and there but for the most part being miserable and whoa is me was not my cup of tea.

You let the happiness fill that emptiness.  The only pain is that of the other women you have grown to know and care for who are still struggling to have their dreams realized. You wish you could do something but you feel helpless and you want them to know you are always thinking about them.  Especially when Mrs. Ungrateful Code Red comes storming in. You think about them.  You wish you could yell at her and say just be grateful she is pregnant because your friend just had another failed IVF cycle, another one had a miscarriage or another couples adoption just got cancelled right before bringing their baby home.

You sit there. And keep thinking how thankful you are. Waiting. Patiently.

Just a number. And it feels amazing. 

Much love to my IF sisters and I hope the holidays aren't too hard on you!! I always hated this time of year even though it is my favorite! Drink lots of wine and know I'm waiting for you to join me and my regular basic number status.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals. Much love!