Infertile. I have been that label for so many years and now that I am knocked up via IVF, I am at a crossroads as to what will become of this unorganized, hot mess of a blog. But more so how I feel about sharing being pregnant.
I will forever be infertile.
I am not the "we did IVF and had twins then magically got pregnant years later." That can never happen. But what does it REALLY mean now that I am about to end my first trimester with two tiny precious minions growing inside me.
I couldn't be more grateful that's a given. I am still terrified everyday that the world will tilt on its axis and all hell will break loose starting in my uterus. The saying elephant on your back really equates to the elephant on Rachel's back. If I wake up not sick or the heart burn goes away for a day I go into panic mode. I know there are women out there that know what I'm saying and get why I feel crazy when all my ultrasounds have been perfect. The ones who don't get my antics and who easily say just relax, have never had some real shit happen in their lives. I'm not talking about breaking a nail on Prom night. Or getting stuck in traffic when you are late for a hair appointment. Or heck even your dog dying. That was a bad year. Lets not talk about it.
I know people mean well, but the "don't stress" "relax" "everything will be fine" advice, I've heard them all. I haven't "let" it sink in, that this is actually happening because as hard as I damn well try; I am just not there yet. I have nightmares and flashbacks waking up to a bed full of blood or being wheeled down the hall of the hospital back and forth from ultrasounds to exams the night I started to miscarry.
The biggest dilemma I have along with allowing myself to relax since my Dr. knocked me up and looking like just another dependa robot spitting out kids at the military hospital is the guilt.
Why is there so much guilt surrounding me and this oversized lump on my stomach? I feel like I am stuck in a tug-of-war and one part of me is being pulled to shout to the world how happy I am and the other part of me is being pulled feeling immense guilt for finally actually being pregnant. I don't post pictures of stupid bump updates.( I don't mind them that much but I know how yall infertile girls feel...kind of been there). I don't have conversations about how tired I am or will I about the burdens and trials of being a mom in comments or posts about how sick I am or how my Crinone progesterone is the devil. I don't think you should feel bad for doing it either after everything you have been through. I'm just stuck in a quicksand of guilt.
My sweet friend posted a quote not long ago which went something like this.
We live in a world where everyone is always camera ready to capture and post every detail of their dumb lives. My dog taking a walk. My dog eating lunch. My dog getting a bath. My dog jumping for a treat. My dog took a shit....so on and so on. Hell I used to be guilty of this and now I am bored of it. Actually I like dogs more than people but seeing "Fido" every five minutes of every day is like watching Kim Kardashian get married. Again. Oh and again and probably again for safe measure. The point isn't about your dumb dog. It's people who complain about the stupidest(yep that just happened) shit on social media. Our society actually lives in a time where we sit down take a picture then post it online complaining about the dumbest shit like they really have a rough life. Its the few friends that I am so blessed to call my framily that have been through what I'm sure felt/feels like hell to them that amaze me. They don't cry online to the world or post pictures of their cancer coming back or the love of their lives leaving this earth before his or her time. Even though I feel like they have every right more so than you getting a flat tire on the highway snapping a picture and needing sympathy from stranger's online. If you are laughing at your stupid day I'm not talking about. Come on people you know who I'm talking about. You probably just rolled your eyes over their post.
I will forever be infertile.
Duh. Points to no tubes in my stomach region.
I am not the "we did IVF and had twins then magically got pregnant years later." That can never happen. But what does it REALLY mean now that I am about to end my first trimester with two tiny precious minions growing inside me.
I couldn't be more grateful that's a given. I am still terrified everyday that the world will tilt on its axis and all hell will break loose starting in my uterus. The saying elephant on your back really equates to the elephant on Rachel's back. If I wake up not sick or the heart burn goes away for a day I go into panic mode. I know there are women out there that know what I'm saying and get why I feel crazy when all my ultrasounds have been perfect. The ones who don't get my antics and who easily say just relax, have never had some real shit happen in their lives. I'm not talking about breaking a nail on Prom night. Or getting stuck in traffic when you are late for a hair appointment. Or heck even your dog dying. That was a bad year. Lets not talk about it.
I know people mean well, but the "don't stress" "relax" "everything will be fine" advice, I've heard them all. I haven't "let" it sink in, that this is actually happening because as hard as I damn well try; I am just not there yet. I have nightmares and flashbacks waking up to a bed full of blood or being wheeled down the hall of the hospital back and forth from ultrasounds to exams the night I started to miscarry.
The biggest dilemma I have along with allowing myself to relax since my Dr. knocked me up and looking like just another dependa robot spitting out kids at the military hospital is the guilt.
Why is there so much guilt surrounding me and this oversized lump on my stomach? I feel like I am stuck in a tug-of-war and one part of me is being pulled to shout to the world how happy I am and the other part of me is being pulled feeling immense guilt for finally actually being pregnant. I don't post pictures of stupid bump updates.( I don't mind them that much but I know how yall infertile girls feel...kind of been there). I don't have conversations about how tired I am or will I about the burdens and trials of being a mom in comments or posts about how sick I am or how my Crinone progesterone is the devil. I don't think you should feel bad for doing it either after everything you have been through. I'm just stuck in a quicksand of guilt.
My sweet friend posted a quote not long ago which went something like this.
These few amazing people I speak of are stronger than these others will ever know.
Personally so you don't think I am full of shit and think I know everything about the world, I will share with you this. I laid on my couch recently holding onto and crying with my friend for hours who lost her husband as her sweet baby slept upstairs with my husband as they were visiting that weekend. The world is cruel and I still have a hard time understanding why such good beautiful people leave us too soon but I have learned from her strength how grateful I am to be where I am even after years of what seems so minimal now compared to the past year for her. Honestly, I really think she isn't human. But I am so lucky human or not human to be in her and her sons life. And the people that post humor and sarcasm when the world is literally spitting in their face. I love you guys too. #samesies
I know I am not making sense seeing that I went from talking about feeling guilty to rambling about talking more about your blessings. The thing is, I want to talk about my blessings but the guilt I feel for the women still waiting for miracles to happen is holding me back. I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful for being blessed with a successful IVF cycle, with twins, no doubt. That the 30% chance of both embryos sticking replayed in my head over and over again up until my 6 week ultrasound. On the other end of things I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Why is this so hard? Why do I care what anyone thinks? How do I get over this feeling? This isn't typical of myself.
That's more like it. My idol. Thanks Nene.
Now I feel better. I need to get it together and stop acting like a crazy, emotional, infertile now pregnant person who is trying to walk the Great Wall of China made of egg shells of infertility. Blessings are much better than burdens to speak on. I am not sure where this will go from here. I am not here to rub in the fact that you are still infertile and I will have two babies come July. Maybe I should change my name? "Guilty Infertile" "Sorry I beat the odds" "Tubeless with Twins".....if you have any suggestions please pass them along. And if you are tracking on what I'm saying please let me know I'm not crazy. In the meantime please think about my beautiful friend(look at that smile...geez she amazes me) and her sweet little boy when needing to take the time to post a picture out of needing sympathy for your kid not sleeping all week and how hard life is.
Posting pictures of bad pedicures or jacked up haircuts is acceptable as long as you can laugh at yourself. Texting them to me is even better.
Byeeeeee.
One thing that has helped me is a Sonoline B doppler. It was $50 and I can listen to the heartbeat of my baby every day (I found it at 9.5 weeks at home and now I'm 15.5 weeks). After 2 years of infertility (not as long as some), and one missed miscarriage, it has been a sanity-saver. I've had no morning sickness, or really any symptoms at all, so I use it every day to reassure myself. :) Maybe that would help when your symptoms take a day off. :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats again, and I know what you mean about being pregnant after infertility. I don't have a blog, but follow several and belong to several online support group type of things, and it's hard being on the other side. But it is a blessing, and remember that everyone is rooting for you. Every infertile follower is happy to see you where you are, and it gives them hope. You deserve the happiness that goes along with your miracles.
I have been looking for a dopplar my husband actually message a lady and will be picking one up today. So yay for that. The morning sickness really is awesome and helps to be reassured although the bleeding can kick rocks. I have an appointment today so heres to another perfect ultrasound and positive test results. And thank you for your sweet comments!
DeleteI completely understand where you're coming from. I used to be gutted when I would see pregnancy announcements on Facebook and so now I try not to post a whole lot about the pregnancy. I think I've only done one in fact and I remember when i was posting it thinking about all the people that I am friends with that might be going through what I was and not even know it and how I didn't want to hurt them. It's like I wanted to say "I had 5 miscarriages and am taking a lot of medications to keep this 6th pregnancy going" so that people would understand. I have one friend who is trying right now and is likely moving on to IVF who knows what we went through and when I apologized for the post she said "Why?? It's time to celebrate YOU having a baby! You deserve this!" She told me that I'm an inspiration as she continues on her journey to having a baby. It really made me think. And although I still don't post much about me being pregnant... because I wouldn't be the person that posted daily shit about my cravings or whinings anyway... it did make me think that I needed to start celebrating me and this little miracle.
ReplyDeleteOnce our daughter is born I do plan to go completely public on the Fbook about our journey to potentially reach out to others that are going through whatever flavor of the "trying to have a baby but this shit isn't as easy as they made it sound in high school health class" road they're on. Why don't I do it now? Probably because I am afraid the remainder of my pregnancy would be jinxed, which is f'ing ridiculous... but after years of being beaten down it's hard to shake the feelings completely.
Do celebrate your two little miracles! You and your babies deserve that.
Thanks I am definitely cherishing and celebrating these babies just not on FB. I would delete it if we weren't military and lived 3000 miles from family. I actually have unfollowed everyone on my FB and just click on my sisters profiles or best friends from time to time to see pictures of my nieces and nephews. Congrats on your pregnancy. I hope you have a healthy 9 months for you and the baby! I go today for some testing and next week for a 4D so maybe an update on the sexes?! Crazy! And only one week left or Crinone so thats a plus!
DeleteI do know how you feel, "the waiting for the other shoe to drop" crap. We didn't tell a single soul we were pregnant before 13 weeks, not a best friend, not a parent. And I didn't do bump dates on social media but I took them for myself because I knew in my heart I would never be pregnant again. I won't tell you to relax but I hope that one day you reach a point where you can enjoy your pregnancy. Although you will always be an "infertile" your story is one of hope and should be celebrated, especially by you.
ReplyDeleteBecause of this blog everyone was waiting by the phone the moment the dr. took the IVF tube out of my vagina. They were literally counting down the seconds with us waiting on a text or phone call to say it worked. So I had to tell our immediate family. After 7 years of infertility they had been through alot with us and there was no way my sister or our parents were letting us ignore their texts or phone calls or they would be flying to MO to watch me pee on a stick. I've just started taking some pictures for myself and I'm trying to finish a youtube video to go with my other miserable one. I am enjoying everyday just with a little worry on the side. I have some tests and an ultrasound today but I am sure everything will be fine! Thanks for following and the encouragement!
Delete