Belly Flops and Round 4

Confused.  The state of the unknown or inability to understand.  I would say that is exactly how I feel along this path and at this stage of "where to go from here".  I guess it would be considerate of me to say our "third times a charm," wasn't a charm to say the least.  More of a flop.  Belly flop.  The kind that stings and burns when you smack the water.  But then it lingers on for a few weeks to leave you questioning what went wrong.  Again.  IUI number three was a bust.  Again.

How many more months can I go on doing this?  How many more slaps in the face can I take with negative results?  How many more anniversaries and birthdays will pass still waiting?  D and I passed our 8th year together as a couple over the 4th of July and another month still TTC, 67, not that I am counting.  Waiting on what seems so far away even after five and a half years of what other people take for granted.  Throwing in trash cans, or going to abortion clinics and killing what millions of women are praying, crying, begging, and going broke for.  Lets not forget these so called,  "parents" that choose drugs and alcohol over their own children. That go to jail at the expense of their children.  These babies and precious miracles are gifts from God.  They are and never will be what they call "accidents".  I firmly believe that God only gives you what you can handle, you are not cursed with tragedies, circumstances or "accidents".  Whether you are eligible to be on "16 and Pregnant" or a married, 32 year old infertile woman like myself; God only wants you to rely on him.  This is your test.  Your time to shine.  He wants you to reach out and call on him for strength. I'm not saying you will not be angry from years of struggle or heartbreak.  I am angry all the time.  I am still learning.

Remember my hulk episode and post a month ago.  I have those moments often.  But only when faced with liars, constant complainers, laziness, bad parents, people that smoke in the entrances to stores(thanks I don't smoke but I would love to walk into yours), rude people in general(when I hold the door open for you, a simple thank you would be stellar).

Ok.  Now that I am writing this it seems I may be angry more than "often".  Angry could be the wrong word here.  More like roll my eyes, mumble under my breath, pet peeve moments.  I blame our society and the way we raise our children.  Or don't raise them with manners and respect I should say.  But that would require a parent to not abuse drugs and alcohol, steal, rely solely on welfare, lie and cheat their way through life to even accomplish that.  What a viscous, continuous cycle we place upon these children. ((Big heavy sigh))

Now that I am veering off topic again.  I was only trying to say that we all have demons to fight whether our lives are polar opposites or we cross the same paths.  We only have to put our trust in God and have faith in his promises. I honestly don't know what kind of person I would be if I didn't have hope and faith.  Cruella Deville comes to mind.

So here we go again.  IUI number four approaches in a few weeks. Even though I do have faith and hope in this cycle, both have shrunk a bit. Kind of like a slowly deflating balloon.  Or a melting ice sculpture at a wedding.  I know once the IUI is done there will be another optimistic bubble of hope.  Maybe a different cycle day, bigger follicles, new symptoms, something to trigger a surge of more reason it will work this time. This is the one, I just feel it, when is it my turn, it has to be, re-surge of emotions.

However, reality has sunk in this month for me.  A whole year of being on fertility drugs and on the verge of four treatments later we are no closer to a baby.  No new answers, only more hurt and more confusion.  Us women put our bodies through this torture physically and emotionally expecting our hopes to plop right out in front of us in the form of two pink lines.  We are crushed when it doesn't.  Ran over by a bus could also be substituted here.  We cover up these feelings with fake smiles, avoidance, laughter, crying in the shower, snuggles with our furbabies and wine. ((Thank you Mrs. Moscato))

So what is next?  No more IUI's that is for sure. I am a realist, my husband being the optimist(thankfully) and it is time to regroup.  I am giving this last cycle everything I have.  I have a consult with my RE on the 19th when I go in for my u/s to check follicle sizes and get a shot of HCG.  Most likely we will do the IUI later that day but my body is unpredictable so I wouldn't place any bets.  Lottery up in here folks.

It is time to move on to IVF.  The odds are far more greater than any IUI that I have been given.  A lot more testing, fertility drugs and money but finally real answers with real results.  Not guaranteed of course, usually it takes a few rounds to succeed but I just can't keep being drug around by this disease like a rag doll when there is better armor to battle it with.  I can honestly say I am content moving on after this last IUI.  I have so many questions for my RE so I have no idea when we would be able to start treatment. My husband will not be home until November and we will be moving next spring.  No idea where.  Just throw a dart on a map. That's about all we know right now.  We will know by this winter and that will determine when and where our next step to completing our family will happen.  

Will we be here for IVF?  Will we have to start all over with a new RE?  Will we sell or rent our house?  Will we be able to take out a second mortgage or loan to try to have a baby?  Will we do IVF in another country(our luck we will get Japan).  Will testing determine if we can even have children?  Trying not to dwell on all of these questions but as you can see its all I think about lately.

I've been praying we stay on the east coast and all these questions are easily answered but we have been through so much as a couple I don't think know, there is nothing that this world can throw at us that we couldn't take down.   I'm totally getting us matching shirts that symbolizes that.  "Worlds strongest couple." Barf. I know.  I am not that person who talks about her perfect husband and perfect relationship 24/7.  Puke.  I am just thankful to have a partner who fully understands my feelings and knows what to say and when to say it on such a difficult road.  If you are an infertile, military spouse and you still have a strong, happy, loving relationship after its all said and done I will make you one too.  Because when it is all said and done as long as I have my best friend by my side I can be happy.  Of course times of sadness will occur in the future still being childless I am certain.  But happy overall.  I have always tried to stick by the saying, "you cannot let your struggle become who you are" or consume your life until you lose yourself. That to me is worse than the struggle itself.  So keep on moving forward.  Don't let your fears get the best of you.  Lean on your partner and build a stronger foundation because at the end of the day it may only be you and your partner for many years to come.  Mostly, just do not forget to live.