Just a number.

Sitting here it feels surreal.  Is this real life??

All the thousands of appointments have faded into some oblivion that is far away from here and now. 

The butterflies in my stomach and anxiousness in my brain is in overdrive again today.  I was relaxed all week up until yesterday. 

I have waited what felt like a lifetime to be shuffled along. "Fill out these papers....dot this line....the OB will be with you shortly. 

Wait what? This is insanely surreal. It is early in the morning the week of Christmas so the normal fertile crowds usually at a military hospital have dwindled to only 2-3 patients in the waiting room. None of which "look" pregnant. Why couldn't that happen the other twenty two times I came here?

  

Either way. This feels too good to be true. 

The butterflies are still circling. 

.....annnd in walks a preggo with a code red Mountain Dew complaining about her appointment out loud. Cue the typical, fertile, obnoxious, you owe me everything dependa preggos. Adjective overload.  Thanks for not letting me down hospital. I knew I could count on you.  If anyone wants a lesson on self entitlement 101 I could show you around this place.

My friend walks out as she finished her appointment that happened to be today at the same time as me and she is surprised to see me still waiting. I shrug my shoulders and tell her I would wait all week just to be here but really only so Mrs. Code Red could hear me with my scowling face four feet away.

She was never thankful to be just a number.

The number I longed forever to be.  
As I checked the box "twins" under how many I am expecting.  Not going to lie. I got a little teary eyed.  Talk about winning the infertile lottery. I am not the typical female, emotional girl who bawls at weddings or when babies are born.

I became numb. You start dating for a few years you get married you buy a house and then you start a family and live happily ever after.  That is what normal is.  People don't experience real life tragedy or heartbreak year after year so they can't understand what you are going through.  We took a different path but now we are much stronger from it.

Correction. I wasn't the emotional female.

You keep smiling about being just another number.  You tell people you're having twins and "are so excited" before they respond with a "Good luck" and you want to punch them in the face.  

They are just a number. They don't understand. They never will. And thats ok.

You know you have a long way to go but with each week you breathe a little easier.

I really could wait here all day to be where I am right now.

Shutup brain.

Don't cry in the waiting room. Don't cry you big progesterone bawl baby.

It's not her fault she's fertile and clueless. Code red basics that is...

She didn't spend thousands on IVF.
She didn't wait years to become pregnant.
She never drove 5 hours hundreds of times to a specialist to be poked and prodded unsuccessfully. 
She never started bleeding and had to rush into the bedroom to explain to her husband she might be losing their only baby they waited so long for.
She never bled for 60 days after an ectopic miscarriage.
She never had surgery to have her reproductive parts taken out without having a child first only hoping that IVF would work later.
She never thought at 34 she would still be childless.
She never had her husband inject her with shots hoping this 40% chance process would work in the end.
She never ended up hating baby showers and vowed to never have one.
The thought of staying up all night changing crap diapers and breast feeding never sounded like music to her ears.
She never felt bad for posting a pregnancy announcement or bump picture on Facebook in fear of hurting someone.
She never had to defend herself for stupid "just adopt(it's so easy)" comments.
She never avoided military company parties because she was the only one without 1 or 4 kids.
She was never told she would never have a baby naturally.
She obviously never gave up caffeine even before becoming pregnant because she was afraid of the unknown risk to hurt or damage the one thing she has prayed and fought for.
She never did not complain about her pregnancy to anyone.
She never cried from having morning sickness because she was happy.
She never stopped shopping and going on vacations or to visit family to afford IVF.
She never had a stash of baby things that have collected dust or given away over the years when she gave up hope at times. 

She never lied and said she didn't want kids after being infertile for so long that she hated explaining it over and over to invasive strangers.

She never switched Drs. multiple times or saw multiple RE's to help her conceive.
She never felt like a complete failure for so many years month after month. 

It took me a long time to learn that this plan we have for ourselves isn't ours to make. It's already been made.  I won't tell you it will be worth it or everything will work out in the end. I don't know those answers.  I hated hearing those responses from people who haven't experienced the same loss. I knew they meant well but it always made me aggravated like they knew his plan for me more than I did. 

I do know one thing. That once you reach whatever dream you are holding on to, the waiting and the pain isn't as big as the joy and absolute happiness is from reaching that dream. You just have to trust me on that one. 

Believe me. The pain you pushed away is still in there. Standing in the corner like the bad kid who broke all the crayons on the first day of school(my future kid). You block it out. I always tried to block it out anyways.  Yes I had some bad moments here and there but for the most part being miserable and whoa is me was not my cup of tea.

You let the happiness fill that emptiness.  The only pain is that of the other women you have grown to know and care for who are still struggling to have their dreams realized. You wish you could do something but you feel helpless and you want them to know you are always thinking about them.  Especially when Mrs. Ungrateful Code Red comes storming in. You think about them.  You wish you could yell at her and say just be grateful she is pregnant because your friend just had another failed IVF cycle, another one had a miscarriage or another couples adoption just got cancelled right before bringing their baby home.

You sit there. And keep thinking how thankful you are. Waiting. Patiently.

Just a number. And it feels amazing. 

Much love to my IF sisters and I hope the holidays aren't too hard on you!! I always hated this time of year even though it is my favorite! Drink lots of wine and know I'm waiting for you to join me and my regular basic number status.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals. Much love!

Military and IVF Funding Tips with 2 Microscopic Updates

Hello my people. And by people I mean the five of you still tuning in to see if I am knocked up yet.

Since we can't let the cat out of the infertile bag yet I wanted to share some advice on a few things that helped us through this financial IVF roller coaster. Please be aware this is going to be the most boring post to date but I know there are a lot of women out there who can benefit from saving thousands of dollars.

If you are a military couple and have looked into infertility treatments then you know that the costs can vary depending on where or what treatment you are seeking. I will speak on IVF of course since that is what we ended up with having to do after our OOP 4 failed IUIs a semen analysis and freezing because my husband was Mr. Deployment for a few years. Puts a new twist on the "Welcome Home I'm Pregnant" signs when he has been gone for 13 months. That is old news and was a waste of money and time in my situation and opinion but nothing we can do now right?  Lesson learned. Note to 16 year old self: never pay for and do an IUI while being in the "unexplained" category before having a laparoscopy done if your HSG was bad by 33. 

Obviously sometimes the Dr. doesn't care whether or not you are shoveling out hundreds and thousands of dollars into his pockets before actually diagnosing your infertility. 

Once you start diving vagina first into IVF that is when you start paying alot more out of pocket. If you are lucky enough to be stationed by a fertility treatment facility for military such as Lackland Air Force Base in Texas, Tripler Army Medical Center in Hawaii, Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Maryland, Fort Bragg in North Carolina, Naval Medical Center in California, and Madigan Army Medical Center in Washington; those places can save you some big money when doing IVF especially if you have to do more than one cycle. Time on the waiting lists can be up to 12 months but of course that changes so if I were you I would call as soon as possible and get the ball rolling. With Tridoesn't care we all know that you have to wait for a referral to wait to get another referral for your referral and that process takes months and months just to get in with a legit RE.

All of my diagnostic tests, fertility specialists and certain medications up until IVF started was covered.  Minus the driving 5 hours to a specialist in gas and trying to come up with excuses at work as to why you need so many days switched or off and you aren't really sure what day the same week that is because it depends on how your body responds to all the drugs can be tricky.  But its really none of their effing business. A Dr.'s note is a Dr's note it doesn't matter if you are going to a Podiatrist because you have bunions the size of Mt.Fuji or simply your reproductive parts are broken.

This is me at work when someone asks why I am always at the Dr....

Nonetheless, Dr. Cassels at Columbia Missouri Center for Reproductive Medicine and Fertility and his staff will help you cut costs when undergoing treatments.  I requested him at my OB referral and I loved him and the staff. They actually care about you and do not treat you like another number orrr dollar bill.  They allowed us to have blood work and testing done at FLW(Fort Leonard Wood Hospital) to save us some money. Like the STD/HIV screenings. Even though FLW messed some of them up and we had to end up taking them again at Columbia(a 5 hour drive) and paying 150 dollars out of pocket for the same test if done correctly. But that's none of my business. 

We first took out a loan and we also did some fundraising on our own once we got our timeline for IVF. I have an esty shop that continues to help along with a raffle I did with prizes which raised around $2500 thanks to a couple of crazy friends who donated almost 75% of that amount by themselves. You can say we have some pretty amazing military framily.  

One of the biggest savings on all the medications which as you know from pictures on my other post are ALOT is from the Compassionate Care Program. You basically apply to receive a discount on IVF drugs online and they will contact you with how much you have been approved for. We were approved for a 75% discount on certain medications.  Usually they will contact you within a week but it took over a month of me calling and resending information. Again I have the worst luck and if a delay or mistake can happen it will happen to me.  So most likely it will not with you.  Just remember to keep calling and asking if they received your package and if you have been approved yet.  Luckily I called and just got my "insurance discount ID number" over the phone the day before my IVF case worker had to order my meds. We had to use Freedom Pharmacy over the phone due to living in Missouri.  Their turn around time was within 24-48 hours so that was another plus. Note that not all the drugs you need will be available through Freedom Pharmacy or the pharmacy's listed with the Compassionate Care program but every little bit helps. I was gifted Menopur by an amazing friend MB whom I met on IG. I ended up getting Gonal F for around $400 out of pocket compared to $1500. The rest of the medication I picked up at the pharmacy in Columbia. All together we spent around $1500 for our IVf medications which should have ended up being around $5-$6k just because I filled out an application to the link above after hearing about it from M and K, two ladies I've met online.  Our IVF procedure, ultrasounds, blood work and travel expenses driving at 4am every other day so I could be back at work by 2 or 3pm costs us around $8k.  We didn't pay for our procedure package until the day of egg retrieval which was $6500. None of our cycle covers anything if it fails or I miscarry later on.  We ended up with 4 grade A blastocysts that we froze and we can pay to use next year once we pay off this loan if our cycle fails. That is called an FET(frozen embroyo transfer) it isn't as expensive as a fresh cycle. I think our clinic is around $2800 to do an FET but it's still more money on top of a failed cycle hence the waiting a year.

 Seriously I barely got through that without drooling on my keyboard. I probably could have just added a link to Compassionate Care Program and said good luck but my ADD got away with me and besides some people like deats. So you're welcome.


I think I left off with saying we were hoping for a 5 day transfer.  Well the stars aligned and our prayers were answered.  

We transferred two 5 day blasts and are anxiously(understatement) awaiting our 7 week ultrasound appointment on the 10th.  #prepareformeltdown

I am still taking my Crinone(progesterone vaginal suppository) and will be for 10 more weeks even though it is disgusting awesome and makes me turn in to the Hulk from time to time.

and

I am so thankful for science and being able to take anything Hulkified to keep our growing little bean(s) snuggled inside my body.  Those of you who are lucky enough to be born fertile and without broken reproductive parts and never have to take any IVF drugs or pregnancy medications, count your blessings and try to grasp why we want to punch you in the throat when you complain about anything pregnancy related. I read a post "5 Ways Pregnancy After a Miscarriage Is Different" that I have to share because every single thing she said was true. I could add a few more like everytime someone asks how I feel of course I say great or fine I'm not going to cry about anything pregnancy/medication related especially online(I hate facebook enough already) or to anyone so I'm sorry my replies are boring and the same "good" response always. I know I sound like a robot and I appreciate everyone checking on me. I really do. Honestly so far it's been a walk in the park compared to what I've been through. I'm waiting for something bad to happen every second of every day.    I've already talked way too much for one post so that's all I would add for now.  So click here if you are still sitting on the toliet and need some more reading material.  It might help other fertiles you know understand why or why not we do the things we do or feel the way we feel so you can share it online.  Then again like I've always said some people will never get it. 

Until next time...and a not so lame post..and hopefully some good news. 
Ciao.

Veterans day cookie and IVF update.

Excuse me while I avoid social media for a few days.  Not only is this blog about my infertility but if you read the phrase under my name it includes the word military.  There ya go peanuts.  It is that time of year again, Veterans Day, not to be confused with Memorial Day(a day reserved for those who gave all but idiots can't seem to understand that concept in our society yet) when people are changing profile pictures or posting photos of someone they know in the military for self gratification or when that person isn't even a veteran.

It is holidays like these that I avoid logging on Facebook or Instagram to see people who probably have never donated to goldstarwives.org or woundwarriorproject.org.  They sure do know how to post a picture for likes though. They are taking away from the true veterans out there and its sickening.  I only make a point of it because....

1) Someone has to.
2)It royally chaps my ass because the civilian ones I'm referring to, I can guarantee have never donated a damn dime to any fundraiser relating to our military.
3)What about the other 364 days out of the year?
4)

5)Thanks for being on a base with a Pizza Hut one time. #salty

6)

#likeaboss

7)Veterans day isn't about free meals. Here's a concept how about getting a meal and giving it to a homeless vet.

8)Last but not least..Just because you are married to a veteran doesn't entitle you to damn thing. You are not a veteran.

Nuke yourself.

If you are or were active duty and have or even haven't been to combat then obviously this doesn't pertain to you.  Post away you salt dogs. You deserve more than a like on a facebook picture. 

Why are you reading a blog about broken private parts? There are more funny things to read like Dear Dependa II, PogBF's, or JtToTs on the FB just to name a few of my husbands favorites. But you do you. I don't know if I'm flattered or need a shower. But it's funny nonetheless.

Sidenote- Federal law defines a veteran as being active duty, some states state 180 days of consecutive active duty services to be considered a veteran, not to get anal but you get my point. Some points need to be made.   So those of you posting look at me or this person I know in my playtime dress up uniform for likes need to STAHP.  It is freaking incredibly rude and I want to punch you in the face. There are men out there who have jumped on grenades to save their brothers during combat for example this hero Kyle Carpenter ie brave American badass.  He jumped on a fucking grenade(sorry freaking wouldn't do) for the love of God. Oh hey I'm at Walmart and someone tosses a grenade by me and someone else. My ass is running as fast as I can like they are giving away free Jimmy Johns outside. But to jump on it to save someone else WHAT!?? I can't even. 

They do more than flip pancakes in the kitchen of a navy ship posting selfies of how hard their four years in the national guard or reserves was. If you flip pancakes on a ship don't take it personal. We all need to eat. And I like pancakes. With blueberries or chocolate chips though.

In short I would like to clarify that veterans are fucking awesome. Our Marine Corps(Happy belated Birthday) is bad ass and our military is number one.  I tear up at the National Anthem or whenever Taps is played.  

I don't need to post a million pictures of myself sitting at home eating Ben & Jerry's, watching the Notebook, posting status' about how my husband is deployed or a veteran trolling for sympathy or likes.  I'm not any "cooler" I could care less how many likes or people "follow" me hence why my IG is private. And I hate facebook.  And I don't get on IG much anymore so don't take it personal if I'm not liking the shit out of your photos. Here's some to last you for awhile. 

All in all I'm  a stellar people person and I swear more than my husband thinks is appropriate. So if you have gotten to the end of this post and think I am saying not to honor our "veterans" then you should never read my blog again. Actually you should never read any personal blog. Ever. As in never ever. The ship is out to sea and you are still standing on the dock. Thank you to the badass veterans whom I respect so much.

Bye.



Lets just keep going with an update.....

I remember wondering about how hard IVF would be and if I could do more than one fresh cycle and to be completely honest with you now that I have actually done it I can give a personal opinion. 

It fucking sucked. 

Wait for it........but...I could do it at least ten more times if we could afford it. Paying for IVF makes it a million times more stressful and if it were free I would keep doing it over and over until my doctor told me to give up. #truth  Yea giving shots to myself in the bathroom at work sucked balls and driving 5 hours just for blood work and a trans-vaginal ultrasound wasn't a pizza party. The raging hormones weren't pretty( I might have ripped a paper map up of the resort where our USMC ball was in the truck and threw it at my husband for a split second) so there's that.  But I was fairly normal the rest of the time considering.  No constant migraines and my RE is a bad ass and he didn't over stim me with medications and the constant checkups were actually great so I didn't end up with OHSS or any severe side effects. Silver lining to the 1200 miles I drove in 7 days.

And I don't need a pat on the back or I would have posted on my instagram daily shot pictures if that were the case but I think its important to understand why I am easily aggravated sound like a bitch about Veterans day and besides the fact that I always speak my mind regardless if  my E2 levels were 2800 Saturday morning at my RE appointment.

Also that in the second tri your hormones are crazier than the third. Learned something new.

Not sorry for being on edge this week if you haven't figured it out, I finished stimming on Saturday.  I was driving 5 hours to my IVF clinic at 5am and then coming home and going to work until 10pm and repeat.

I also was trying to squeeze in my etsy business.

Followed by the 3 am night at the Marine Corps ball that evening when we triggered. Worked on Sunday. 

So that was fun.  This isn't me bragging about working or my etsy. We are actually IVF poor like you. For example...

Us at our IVF clinic.

Then on Monday morning at 7:30 am this happened. So if I haven't gotten back to you this week that could explain why. No big deal.

I covered my face because there are freaks who like to steal pictures on the world wide web.

I had 17 eggs on Saturday but when I woke up in recovery Monday, 9 was the number my doctor said were the best ones. Two of them being too big and he already knew they wouldn't fertilize but took them anyways. So really we had 7. Was I a little upset? Honestly hell yes. But 7 is better than 1 and I am not going to be the girl who complains on the blog about only 7 when I know girls who get only 1 or none.  It just was more shocking because I responded so well to all the meds and my numbers were great and the ultrasounds showed so many and my only issue so far was the endometriosis so it made me think that there might be another underlying issue with my eggs.  Then my doctor called and as of yesterday all 7 fertilized and he had high hopes that they would continue to grow. Huge relief. Thankful for the 7. Moving on.

So now what?

Now we wait. Something we are used to. But the waiting isn't very long this time so the anxiety is through the roof at this point.  My doctor will call Thursday to let us know if they are growing like he wants and to keep letting them grow until Saturday for a 5 day transfer or if we need to come in that afternoon for a 3 day transfer.  We are hoping for a 5 day. But will obviously take what we get. Duh.

I am not sure if or when I will post good or bad news but hopefully you will understand and respect our privacy regarding our results in the next few weeks especially since our family is so far away. And thank you to everyone who has emailed, called, texted, and supported us by donating to our fundraiser or even medication like my girl Megan.  You all are amazing and we love you. (not just the estrogen talking)

Until then remember your day isn't as bad as......

Being chased by a hippo

A bird shitting on your head.  Twice.

Amanda Bynes.

This kid with no friends.

Her shoulder.

The guy in charge of driving this fork lift carrying a bomb.

I don't want to be Snoopy. I want to be a pretty girl.

If you don't watch American Horror then sorry that you don't get my title. But there is a thing called google in 2014. Hurry back. Then remember to netflix it later.  I am addicted to that and The Walking Dead and The Voice. That's about it. Good to know. You're welcome. 

I wrote this last week but after seeing an article with this exact thinking again online I had to hit the publish button. 

"I knew a couple that struggled for years to become pregnant then they gave up and pursued adoption and then became pregnant naturally with twins."

Raise your hand if you have heard this more than the number of times you actually thought about being able to afford adoption.  Oh look weird my hand is raised.  Raise your other hand if it is absofuckinglutely impossible to become pregnant naturally. Again weird. Both hands are raised. 

A mermaid riding a unicorn on a rainbow made of skittles is more likely to occur.

Or Mr. T. 

Show off. 

So thanks for the reminder of how incapable I or women like me, actually are when it comes to getting knocked up without shoveling out thousands of dollars to indure weeks of shots, drugs, traveling 4 hours to dr appointments every other day, the migraines, bloat and side effects from said drugs, including awesome hot flashes and hormonal breakdowns wanting to kill our spouses just because they left the light on in the bathroom. 

Yes. I am so thrilled for John and Jane Doe that they could not only afford adoption but they are now pregnant with twins. Naturally. Let me borrow that rusty knife so I can go carve out my uterus into the shape of a heart and give it to them.

Or how about we cut out your tongue so you can never say anything stupid to me ever again? 

I get it. Wow. It's a miracle. Congrats. But I really think the fertile world doesn't get that their are many of us that absolutely can never become pregnant on our own. And we always get the ignorant comments by said fertile people that makes us roll our eyes or feel like the new nurse diagnosed with Ebola. 

You always hear of a friend of a friend of a friend who this has happened to. For me over the years it has went from annoying yea that will never be me. To now it will never ever be me thanks for rubbing it in.  Now that I am the girl with the dragon tattoo. 

Wait. That's not right. 

...Now that I am the girl with no tubes. It's all I can do to stop from raging out on someone followed with a huge feeling of worthlessness. 

I don't want to be snoopy. I really want to be a pretty girl. I feel like a set of large, dimply ass cheeks for not jumping for joy inside like a normal fertile person would but at least I acknowledge that I should be jumping for them. I just can't right now. Or maybe ever.  I'll always be snoopy. 

If our baby had made it through my disastrous left tube and I went on to give birth seven months later I wouldn't ever want someone to tell my "story" to another infertile woman in hopes of making them feel better.  It simply doesn't work that way.  In all my past experiences I still feel the same. Instead just tell them you are sorry.  If you know someone who is infertile or had a miscarriage, you don't make them feel better by telling them about anyone else who has "went through" the same thing. You only diminish their pain. I don't even do that to other women and I am infertile. You just sound like you want sympathy or you are trying to one up that person. And who wants to be a miscarriage one upper. 

Eww. The worst. 

Again just tell them you are sorry.

You don't need to go on about your cousins brothers sister who had three miscarriages then miraculously had some damn twins to an infertile.  Just tell them you are freaking sorry for crying out loud. 

I keep getting comments and questions about continuing to blog after IVF and delivery of healthy IVF babies. Honestly I would rather be spending all of my free time smothering my problem child(ren) to death with the bubble that is me. Nobody gives two shits about how much sleep I will or will not be getting even though a lot of new parents apparently missed that memo when deciding to reproduce.  

I'm pretty sure at this point with transferring two embryos my husband and I are fully aware of how far up shit creek we are paddling. Literally. That was the decision we made being able to only afford one fresh IVF cycle this decade and given a 30-40% chance of success so that's once again why we chose two(peanut gallery).  

I am pretty sure my tubeless, dimply ass will just be staring at them all night if and when they finally arrive like a seriel killer freak wanting to make table lamp shades out of their silky smooth baby skin.

Orrrr I will be crying on the phone for my friends to come over and let me take a shower or a long nap. (You know who you are and you already promised so shutup no going back now). I am not above that.  The last thing on the face of this fucking planet I would ever do is bitch on a blog about the common knowledge of how hard having and raising a baby is especially after IVF. I can't even right now.

I would love to write about how stupid all the d bags comments out there are after I actually know what it's like to physically give birth and take care of twins all day and night and to finally say I told you so. One of these days that might just happen. Or maybe it won't. Your guess is as good as mine. 

Until then just tell the poor girl like myself that you're sorry and quit acting like just because you know a John and Jane you are some how cooler, knows how she is feeling or is making her feel better by saying so and so had a miracle child after adoption. 

Because you are not. 

Again. There are woman that can never have kids ever. Period. Or women like myself who can never have kids without IVF. 

Just say....sorry. 

You got it. 

Thanks class.  

Side note. 

IVF meds are coming soon. I start stimming this weekend. I'm sure I'll be all ranty and bawl baby emotional or maybe not. I've heard bad stories and a few ehh. It's not that bad stories. 

Either way. I just want to have a successful live birth 10 months from now. Raging hormonalholic with loads of side effects or not. 

I'm starting to see the end of the infertile tunnel and it's starting to feel real.

Enough bitching for the day. Glad you stopped by. 

Love your tubeless snoopy. 

Thanks for not giving up on me yet. 

I promise I'm a good person. 

Kids Are Assholes. Duh.

Oh hey it's me again. Your unfaithful blogger. Sorry I've been cheating on you with life lately aka pretending to be Martha Stewart while people here locally in misery try to have me make them shit for free practically. Anyways that's a whole new post that I would rather save you from.

Really though, I'm not used to this thing called a husband being around without counting down our days until a deployment or homecoming and it's been fucking awesome. I am thankful for many things in my life even though this tiny corner of my world is placed on a giant pedestal for the world to stand back and judge and form an opinion about me from out of context.  

You see. This corner is but a tiny snippet of the film that is my life. I talk, vent, and share because I know I am not the only person feeling like a bull in a china shop when I complain about infertility costs, our own disfunctional bodies, hearing woman complain about pregnancy, kids and their husbands.  Let's not forget to mention the always encouraging "you just wait" statement. 

We all know kids are assholes. Hell babies are assholes too. Tell me something we don't know. Crying and pooping and waking you up every few hours when you just got to sleep. Hello fuckhole it's a baby!!!! Quit bitching about sleep or lack there of to the world because you only look like huge giant pale white assface. I just made that word up for you. You're welcome. No one wants to read about the obvious common sense that comes along with the privilege of being a parent.  And I don't even follow your blog or blogs like yours. But I have friends that do just for entertainment purposes and they occasionally send me texts of the links that I would find most fucktardish. So that's that.  The few people commenting or reading your insanely stupid posts need to quit patrionizing and lying to you. Or they need help as well. Jury is still out. I do know that you, yes you, should never blog ever. Again. That's for. ever. (Read very slowly so it sinks in) f o r e v e r. 

Then there's the moms that know everything about nothing and judge you because you are mixing up formula instead of popping out a tit. Why can't people just mind their own fucking business. Keep it simple. Is the child being fed? Is he or she clothed and loved? If the mother isn't walking the corner looking for a crack rock with baby in tow then who are you? The breast milk police? I swear people have too much time on their damn hands. I dare someone say something to me if I am not able to breast feed. Double. Fucking. Dare. #pipethefuckdown

Point is just because we are infertile it doesn't mean we don't know how much of a pain in the ass babies and kids are. Infertility doesn't discriminate against women who know nothing about babies or children.  Many of us are siblings, teachers, nannies, social workers, aunts, and step parents to name a few. You telling me, "just wait and see" doesn't make me want to become pregnant any less. It actually just makes you look like an asshole. I've waited a long time and because you can't control a three year old in the toy section of Walmart, it is actually hilarious to me. I look forward to that day and many like it. 

All of the years of waiting, the heartbreak, the dr appointments, the probing, the medications, the shots, the money, the surgeries, the idiot comments. All are worth those days.  

So don't think by you telling me to "just wait until you have kids", is making me want one any less. It actually makes me want one more. Call it perspective I guess. Like when my husband leaves his wet towel on the floor instead of in the hamper in the same room; I don't go out shouting to single girlfriends "you just wait" or log into stupid Facebook to post a status about it. In life there are people who learn that these little things mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'm thankful my husband is alive unlike some close friends who have lost theirs. Their strength to keep going day by day gives me inspiration and strength to overcome this tiny corner of my world. I am so thankful to have them in my life. I may never be able to have children. We all know IVF is a 40% chance, but I am still alive and I still have my husband by my side. 

Until we overcome this tiny part of our life I will continue to look forward to the day that my kid(s) are losing their shit in a Walmart toy department smiling, thinking about all the "you just wait" comments pinching myself while mumbling "Is this real life?" 

-dedicated to the stay at home thankless moms, the working moms who have to leave their precious babies, the formula feeders, the breast feeders, the single moms and dads, the cloth diapered and pampers moms, the women who will never be bio mothers, the adoptive moms, the moms who just stay the hell out of other moms business unless a child is being neglected or abused. Thank you.