Thursday, July 10, 2014

Game of Infertility Referrals

Let me start by saying if you don't watch game of thrones. We can't be friends. really we just started watching this year and watched four seasons in the amount of time it takes your typical 18 year old military gal to get knocked up. Which is one day. 

Before or after the shotgun wedding. Yee haw(reaks of bitterness)

Ok so maybe a day is a little harsh. Let's go with a few weeks.

So here I am. Sitting at my awaited 45 day OB referral to get a real referral to someone who actually can end this train wreck of infertility. 

Do I need to explain why us infertiles hate OB offices. I'm literally biting my tongue at every scream or complaining conversation from the next beluga whale that plops down beside me with her basketball team. 

This is what I learned while I waited to be seen.

Jackie says she, "really really hopes I get enduced this week, I CAN NOT take this anymore." 

...and her husband responds, "me neither."

I laughed under my breathe barely concealing a smile and thinking me too Jackie and I've only known you for five minutes. Meee toooo....  

Then Stacy wedged in between them and myself two seats down. Hello I picked the only chair all by myself in the corner for a reason. Next time I'm wearing a shirt that says: 


And then show up with a slew of band-aids and a breathing mask.

So this peach Stacy, let all of us know, while on the phone, how much this "kid" was making her back hurt. Her other three "were SOOOOO much easier. She just couldn't believe she was pregnant again and having ANOTHER baby. I don't know how we are going to afford another one in diapers."

Well for starters Sta-CEE.  How about you hop on down to the pharmacy and pick up some FREE birth control. Hell I can't even reproduce and they threw a 90 day supply at me without any questions.  Orrrr how about you not buy a $200 dollar Coach purse or make a trip to the nail salon every month. And that took me all of thirty seconds of an eye rolling glance as she sat down. 

Yea yea maybe the purse was a gift and maybe she does her own nails. I don't care next time she should shut her fat pregnant mouth.

This is why infertiles do not go to an OB-GYN for infertility. Do not pass go do not collect anything besides a bitch fit along the way. And bitterness. 

Thank you Tricare or United Health. Whatever they are deciding to call it these days for that over due appointment no matter how surprised I was at the OB. You don't even cover infertility so it's more like a sick and twisted game of "Lets see how long we can prolong this while watching others over reproduce on our dime and we hand them free baby shit showers as a fertile grand prize." 

I hope you paid close attention and heeded my warning from the rantpesode I taught today. 

To summarize:

99% of the patients and workers at the hospital on base have no clue what you are going through. They Dependas will say things outloud to make you want to punch them. 

Bite your tongue. Roll your eyes.  Mind your own business. Take lots of deep breaths. And remember thank god that you aren't Jackie or Stacy. 

Most importantly go home and have a drink or seven. Just kidding I'm in my pre IVF "cleanse."



Sidenote.  The OB on base today was surprisingly helpful and knew more than the last 2 OBs who gave two shits if I got pregnant within this century. Shocker I know!  I was pinching myself to make sure he wasn't a mirage dreamt up by my infertile mind to block out the history of bad apples I had to bite.  He suggested ICSI IVF(more expensive of course, having another Lap surgery prior to IVF and removing my tubes completely along with a list of what to ask my RE(which he put in for whom I wanted). Also he did an ultrasound since I'm again 2 months late. Everything looked fine but just to be 1000%....

I strolled downstairs to the Lab to get an HCG blood test to confirm what we already know before starting BCPs.....

(...which didn't include the weird/rude comments about how you hated "this type of test" which completely through me off...."hated this type of test??" 
What does that even mean?? Like you hate pregnancy HCG tests?
These "bad ones...mumbled something...scary tests," 
What does that even mean?? Scary???
Don't worry I stopped him in his dumbass tracks with a nothing scares me at this point. I'm not pregnant, this is my Dr. wanting to start me on IVF medication comment as he put the needle in startled by my sarcasm and almost poked through my arm.)

moving OB also wanted an MRI(to help see how my endo is doing to maybe rule out another Lap surgery) scheduled in Radiology and a trip to the Pharmecy for the BCPs. And that completes my own period bloody tour of the base hospital. Go me. 

So giant thanks to Dr. P for caring and understanding my little infertile bubble in this army land of  ferts farts.  You made walking around with period blood all over me today and sitting with my polar reproductive opposites worth it.

And I just called fertiles, farts. Awesome. 

Ok. Bye. 


  1. This f'ing rocks. I wish I was as witty as you are. You say the shit the rest of us think, and I LOVE IT! I'm just wondering when us infertiles are going to finally have a close parking spot labeled just for US, so when we are going through IVF and we feel as though we are about to explode, we didn't have to park in eastbumf*ck as the "farts" get to conveniently park a mere 50 feet from the door (even when they don't have their 500 kids in tow). In the meantime, I feel I've earned my badge and right as a woman trying to conceive so I sometimes park in those spots anyways :)
    Thinking of you and hoping this new RE is the ticket to your overdue future of being a mama!

  2. Bahaha! I absolutely LOVE this! A day in the life of an infertile military wife, sister you are in GOOD company, I swear my husband's entire shop has 4+ babies each. Thanks for the giggle and lots of baby dust to you!

  3. HA! You always make me laugh Rachel. Seriously. But you know I am rooting for you, now more than ever, because you HAVE to beat this and those go back in the waiting room and be a Stacy or Jackie.

    Sidenote: this sentence had me laughing outloud "I'm literally biting my tongue at every scream or complaining conversation from the next beluga whale that plops down beside me with her basketball team."

    Oh how I love you.