Monday, July 7, 2014

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Infertile

When I was a little girl I always dreamed of the days I would sit and blog about my broken reproductive private parts to the world on a giant web of a public diary.  The same little girl, that thought she would have a flying car hovering in the driveway of her beach house after arriving home from swimming with dolphins she studies in the Florida Keys.  I sit here five months from turning 34 and I still don't have a damn dolphin not even one goldfish(except the ones you can eat.) Dreams crushed. Hope gone.  My reproductive organs are absolutely living up to the sarcastic dream that once was. I am living out my dream of never becoming pregnant with every passing month. Woo hoo...the gold star goes to me for accomplishing such a feat without one single abortion.    


Abortion. Something I was struggling with the past few months. Technically you could say I aborted our baby?  I haven't blogged about that day but I keep hearing "you've became pregnant already once in 4 years on fertility drugs it could happen again and not be ectopic." The middle east ending in peace is more likely to happen before the chance of me having a successful pregnancy without IVF.

So here we go....

The baby was growing and my numbers were tripling with each ultrasound and blood draw. Enter the tragic "but"...But "I am sorry it appears the fetus has implanted in your fallopian tube and there is nothing in your uterus," as my RE so graciously and caringly put it. I feel bad for him now thinking about how many women he has to give such crushing news too. At the same time I would assume calling the next infertile couple with perfect HCG levels or finding a viable heartbeat for the first time outweighs the other heartbreak.  At the time I was so distraught and on the verge of breaking down when we heard those lines I was only thinking about myself, my husband and our baby.  I remember his expressionless face to this day as he searched around with that cold and invasive ultrasound wand. I think I could have set a Guinness book of world record for holding my breathe while being examined by a doctor. Up to this point I was almost seven weeks along and everything was fine from what we were told at the impromptu emergency room visit the week prior due to some excruciating rupturing cysts and lots of heart stopping blood.

I had the choice of surgery(D&C) or a series of very strong chemotherapy drugs(MTX), shot into my hips, which basically causes my body to "abort the fetus." I chose the hip action as you know if you already read my Gone To Soon post. I am not sure why besides my Dr. telling me it was what he suggested and at this point it seemed the easier option.  I wanted to escape everything medical at this point.  No more Drs. No more beeping ultrasounds. No more hospital. No more scars. No more nurses.

I laid on the table mindless like a zombie waiting on my shots.  I was numb to everything. My husband couldn't make the drive do to a military course and my nurse was dumbfounded when I told her I came alone.  I felt scolded and now even more concerned for what my body was about to go through physically. Needless to say I had to wait an hour after the shots to make sure I was ok to drive.  After my hour was up I borrowed stole as many pads and tampons I could fit in my purse out of emotional meltdown rage at the world.

Karma came weeks later in the form of a bill for the MTX shots. 

Thanks Tri(doesn't)Care. The bad stuff came later that night. And by bad I mean worst night of my life physically and emotionally.  That night made it crystal clear that IVF was our only option as I cried out loud in pain flip flopping from the floor back to the bed all night with the help of my husband.  Was this normal? Did we need to rush to the ER again?  The ER was the last place on earth I wanted to be so there I laid thinking about my decision of the MTX.  I justified my decision that the baby would have ruptured my tube causing me to internally bleed to death and lost him or her anyways.    I was never putting myself or my husband through that again.  After eight weeks of bleeding, hair loss, bronchitis, a hormonal shitshow of emotions and avoiding social media it was time to get it together.

Whether or not I have a 34% chance to have a normal pregnancy after Lindsey Lohaning on fertility drugs.

There is the other 66% ectopic chance of it happening again and the nightmare that is detailed above for those who keep questioning my decision to move forward with IVF.

IVF.  Hopefully I will have more news on that front soon. My appointment I've waited 45 days for is finally this week to an OB who can't help me but will only submit another referral to an RE since my PCM(family doctor) here in Missouri doesn't know how to submit referrals to RE's directly apparently. 
Regardless of all the absolute nonsense I already found a highly recommended RE in Columbia and will be handing that information over to my OB to do the referral job for my PCM and now OB. I would send myself a thank you card but I will leave the narcissism to Facebook.  Which, by the way, I feel like the grinch every time I go on that sympathy driven, self patronizing website just to catch up with family a thousand miles away and randomly end up seeing people still crying about sleep, hunger, hormones and weight gain because they got knocked up for free, leading me to have to delete them.  Please just delete me already. I feel like my feelings on that were clear. Thanks.

My appointment with the OB should give me something to rant write about and then its onward to aiming for IVF this fall depending on how soon our RE says we can start the craziness.

So that leaves us with a creepers paradise of pictures I have been meaning to post since our move to Missouri. I know I was hating life for the first few weeks but the time since spent with military friends that are family, an out of state wedding, a quick surprise trip to PA for my sisters baby shower, lots of corn hole, my fave holiday weekend/9 year dating anniversary and fattening dinners with friends make any place paradise! Missouri is what you make of it and we are making the most of it.

I wanted to add this link to this post on Abortion and Miscarriages because I felt she was inside my head when I read each word. I saved it for last because well, we all know you would forget if I shared it in the beginning or middle. Hope you can relate as much as I did!

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