Infertile gym selfies and no self control

Let me start by apologizing to the gang of reporters writing my biography.  I'm sorry I don't take a hundred selflies at the gym so you know I actually go to the gym.  This is the I workout gym post about not posting about the gym....post.

Wait. 

What??

Seriously. If I had a dollar for every how do you stay so in shape question I wouldn't be bitching about the cost of IVF. 

Instead I would have the twins paid off and they'd be starting second grade already. Hash tagging the shit out of #twinning. Just kidding. Hash tagging the shit out of  #whatthehellwerewethinking.

Not really. But. Reallllyyy.

That was my attempt at letting the peanut gallery know how many embryos we are hoping to be transferring. Uno, deuce. You got it peanuts. Two. 

"Why?"

Because I said so!!!!

Sorry. Just practicing for the future. How'd I do?

But really. Why not? 

We will have waited a billion years by the time our hopefully 2015 babies are born. And we would be more than ecstatic with just one. I can't even wrap my tiny little brain around having two.

To be done with struggling with infertility every day. To close the book. Wam bam thank you for paying for one and you get two blessings mam.  It was a no-brainer for us. And every couple chooses differently for different reasons.  As they should.

This is of course if everything goes as we plan. Hopefully, if, depending on, planning, try, maybe, praying key words in our life until the above happens.  Which it doesn't always as we have learned. It's not "our" plan remember. Points to the sky. 

But that is the decision we have made. Not that I need to explain that to anyone.  If you want to transplant a turtle shell to your back, change your name to Michelangelo and take orders from a rat. By all means. Turtle power. Freedom and liberty man.

 Way off track. Always. 

Oh yes speaking of rats.
Gym rats..... 

I would like to think good genes have something to do with my body at 33(which is far from old) but this ship isn't the ole', "hey I'm 18 and I'll eat this whole pizza tonight, never workout and still have abs." 

Fucking prison. 

So to the gym I go and eating boring salads lots of meat while trying to side step every carb in sight it is.

Let us not forget to mention the healthier you are, the easier it is to become Pregnant! 

Allegedly.

So in hind sight I guess I can thank my infertility for keeping me in shape theoretically. Knowing we are planning on transplanting two embies and wanting to be the healthiest possible for those babies and myself is honestly the first priority.  Also by the time our kids are playing sports and running around like the wild banshees they will be; we will be approaching 40(yuck).  Lets not leave out my gym rat husband who at 31 gets a six pack from eating a protein bar. Stupid motivator. Plus I feel great about how I feel and that's not such a bad thing when life takes a dump on your "plans".

This ship isn't in shape from bulimia or starvation for those of you hoping I had another disease to go along with infertility. 

I'll take an infertility happy meal with a large bulimia and a diet anorexia please. 

"That will be $15,000 and a short life mam."

 What a steal. And I didn't even use a coupon.

That thrifty life tho.

So there you have it. Working out and eating healthy for years over here you little novelist you.

Snooze button. 

Occasional there's this thing called the weekends that pop up out of no where and I'm like. Hold up. Wait a minute. What do I do with all this awesome food?

 Duh. Eats everything in sight. 

And then a Kim K.'s ass sized amount of regret on Monday while hoards of chocolate and cheese seaps out my pores as I watch the time creep by with each running step on the treadmill laughing at my weekend of gorging hell. 

"Ha ha ha. Fatty. Bet you will never do that again," my treadmill conscious whispers.

Never. Again. I tell myself out of breath.

With each pounding sweaty step.

 I. Would. Rather. Dieeeeee. 

And then I do the exact same thing the very next weekend. 

Speaking of weekends I would like to share that we will be experiencing our first Missouri float trip this weekend.  It involves a river, sunshine, friends, and tubes/rafts. Adult beverages are a given.

But since I'm "cleansing" water it is.

Hopefully karma will be avoided for me making fun of central MO being a blackhole and this weekend will not end in me drinking too much"water", falling off of my tube and drowning on the Roubidoux as forever an infertile. Cheese pores and all. 

...............to be continued.

I hope. 

ps. We had our first appointment in Columbia where we will be doing our IVF.  First thing on the agenda is to remove my tubes. So depending on when I can get these fuckers cut out of me and recovered is when we can start.  I would have them slice and dice me tomorrow but that's not the way it works at a military hospital especially when they don't even cover any type of infertility. So as soon as I get a call from my OB here I will let y'all know when we will be starting IVF.  It could be October or it could be February depending on the tube situation and the holidays and the weather. Deep breathes for waiting another six months(maybe). 

pss if you do take a hundred gym selfies and post them everyday. Keep it up. What's wrong with being in shape? Why is everyone so mad at fit people. Oh wait because they are lazy.  Someone can just unfollow that shit if it's not their cup of tea. Just like me and people who complain about pregnancy, kids, or their husbands. That's not the point I was making. Just to be clear.