One day at a time.

I looked around and only a few people filled the small one room emergency room and there was someone standing behind me waiting to be seen but everyone felt like they were on top of me breathing down my neck waiting for me to say it. To make it real.

As I stood in front of the awkward window with no privacy; glass all the way down to the counter with a small space to slide a card under like a gas station in the city and a stranger on the other side asking for my ID and date of birth.  Everything felt the same.  I had been here before.  I tried to relay the past seven years of infertility and everything I have been through in a few short sentences.  It was more like mumbling tourettes without my usual cursing.

"...12/07/80.....I'm pregnant with twins...and I started bleeding after I got out of the shower...I've been having sharp pain in my right side since yesterday."  My hair still drenched as I tried to speak quietly so everyone in the room didn't focus on the poor girl who was trying to keep from breaking down as my emergency room visit from a year ago that week flashed back in my mind. How could this be happening? We made it so far already...and I just had a normal ultrasound yesterday. This is what I blogged about last week and being terrified of happening.  I finally let my guard down after my ultrasound was again perfect the day before. But at 8pm I slipped back into panic mode and everything felt like it was falling apart around me starting inside my space where there is a bump.

"I....I had an ectopic miscarriage last year....we did IVF.....uhh..umm... I have endometriosis."  I made no sense to even myself at this point.  Why was I telling him this?

"...stop talking, you are such an idiot, I thought to myself."

I just started stumbling over words that might help me get back to a room faster.  I was more important than the guy with the flu or the boot camp student on crutches waiting to be seen.  At least that's what was playing in my head as I sat there waiting to be seen as every second ticked by and it seemed like an eternity.

Fifteen minutes creeped by but it felt like hours..."Thank you Jesus," as she called my name. Sorry Mr. Flu, I probably would have lost it if they would have seen you first. I remember my first flu.

Everything was the same. The smell, the sounds, the routine. Get undressed, give your "story", take some vitals, the Dr. will be with you shortly.  It was like I was falling in the same pit and there wasn't anything I could do. "Remain calm...don't cry...don't do it...think about something happy," I repeated in my head over and over.

Whoever said don't stress because it is worse for your pregnancy must have to be Gandhi in this shitty nightmare situation.  I was doing pretty good holding it together on the outside. I didn't want my husband to worry. Who knew what was going on at this point. It could be nothing I tried to convince myself over and over.

I had some blood drawn and then was wheeled down to have an ultrasound done just like before.   She was clicking away on the keyboard and moving the probe over my abdomen. The waiting in those minutes are endless.  She flipped the screen around and we saw our two little babies moving around like they were in Vegas at a Cirque du Soleil show.  She printed off some ultrasound pictures and let us know that she wasn't a doctor but everything in her eyes looked fine but the Dr. would talk to us more back in the room.

I laid in bed back in my room and started ugly crying for a solid ten minutes.  You know the one.

I had made it this far tonight but everything that happened and the flashbacks from last year consumed every part of me.  There was no thinking of happy thoughts to distract myself. My nurse walked in and tried to reasure me everything was ok.  All I could do was cry.  "Hormones?" she asked, I nodded yes but really it was just so she would stop looking at my dumb bawl baby face.   I was so upset at my body, overwhelmed with fear and overjoyed with some relief that so far everything was "ok."  I was fucking bleeding after everything I have been through thats what I really wanted to say.  Really I was just spotting and had cramping but simply there wasn't a definite explanation.  I was terrified.  My blood work came back normal.  I peed in a cup and that came back fine. Thank god they missed that gonorrhea....wait what?(lord I hope the non followers know I'm kidding).... A cyst perhaps is what they came up with.

I'll take it.  Understatement.  We made it home around 2am and I was ordered to rest and call my OB. So that is where I am at.  The bleeding has stopped. The cramps are minimal. The relief is coming back.

As long as these babies keep growing and they stay put for at least another 5 months that is all I ask. I repeated in my head that I will never do this again. I will never ask for another miracle or to be pregnant again. Just this one time please is it too much to ask. Please God just get us through the next five months.

I have some more testing next week at our hospital and again the following week at another hospital with better equipment and a 4D ultrasound to rule out any abnormalities. I will be 12 weeks on Monday and even though I felt a huge relief earlier this week after my appointment, last night made me take a few Mother may I steps back.  Hopefully after all these upcoming tests are finished I can breathe a little easier and share a little more of these two miracles.  Thank you to everyone for all your comments on my posts. I've been slacking at responding and feel like a turd but I read all of them and the support from women who understand even a smart ass such as myself, that doesn't need coddled or to post on social media that my vagina hurts every five seconds, I appreciate the time you take to follow this beautiful disaster of a blog. I really do. So thanks ladies.

Hopefully next time I won't bore you with my bloody pregnant vagina and will have a better update for you. Much love.

Bye! For now.