What It's Really Like

Well folks, its the 2ww down time torture again.  I wanted to put my version of the "What my so and so thinks," meme that I see floating around online all the time about infertility.  And yes some of these are not also funny but also in a sense true.  Except dear ole "Octomom" over here.  Those poor babies.  That is all I can say about that, besides her being a freak and giving infertility a bad rep.  No one on Gods green earth that is sanely infertile would ever let a Dr. put 8 embryos inside her.  Key word is sane folks.  Let us remember this lovely mom went on to make a porno. Enough said, lets get to it. One week down! One more to go!

INFERTILITY:

What society thinks I do.

What my friends think I do. True on CD1-7  or on days when you hear Kim K. and Snookie got pregnant.

What my husband thinks I do. Especially online.

 What my family thinks I do. Very true but this is not me everyday. Or every month matter of fact.  I am holding up pretty darn well in the land of empty womb.

What IVF looks like.  God Bless my IVF gals. Especially the ones who do this more than once. 

What my RE appointments feel like.  Ok, ok,  this is half joking because everything is in his hands. But when you start paying for procedure after procedure appointments start to feel like a lottery to me. Lets pick x, y, xx, xy, xx and lets make the powerball BFP.  Thanks.

What its really like.

Murphy's Law of Deployments and Humanity

When you look up the definition for Murphy's law online it states that "it is a memorable saying that holds some fact of experience to many people to be true that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

This is where you insert Murphy's Deployment Law.  If and when something bad is to occur it only shall occur after your husband leaves for a deployment. That time during and in between deployments and or training courses when your spouse is home nothing will happen that will require a man or repair man to come to your rescue.

Toilets will break, washers will stop working, your pets will get sick, family members will kick the bucket(no one has yet this time, thankfully), outdoor outlets will cease to work, lawn mowers will not mow and last but not least, your garage door will jump track and not budge like it did today.

 Lets not even start on how many smoke detectors and light bulbs, 20 feet high, will burn out just to slap you in the face.  Or leave you waking up in the middle of the night to drag a 12 foot ladder in from the garage to stop the beeping.  Only when he leaves.  The very moment he walks out the door and gets on that bus shit is going to start breaking in your house.  You are warned virgin spouses.  All of these things have happened to me on this deployment alone in the past 4 months.  I can't help but laugh at the fact that Mr. Murphy is up to his old tricks again.  I think it's cool he is keeping me on my toes and off my potentially, large ice cream for dinner eating through my emotions booty.

NO Jennifer. I am right there with ya.

I consider myself to be pretty handy around the house when it comes to fixing or "half assing" it if you will.  Because lord only knows that everything will not start breaking until right after your warranty is expired.  Your good. Your good.  Husband is gone. Your good. Warrenty is expired. Ok, I am breaking.  Lets see if I can make her cry or be hospitalized from alcohol poisoning.  Nope not happening over here Murphy.  Crying is only related to infertility 99.9% of the time. 

Many times you will have to cave and call the repair man.  Unfortunately as of yet, none of my repairmen have been an extra in Magic Mike or I wouldn't even break out the hammer, ladder, screw driver or wrench.  Speed dial.

Only kidding, have you seen my husband...yes mam..Magic who?..this guy and his abs for days.  Its been a long four months,sorry people,  just saying.  Staring at a shirtless Magic Mike repair man wouldn't hurt anyone. Right? Right. Deep breaths. 1..2..3..4....

I have to add in here about my visit to the post office.  I will try to make it short and sweet.  It ended in tears. Not Murphy's Law tears but happy tears. It made the garage door incident laughable.  I went in to mail my "TTC exchange package." On Instagram our private little TTC community participates in care package exchanges anonymously to each other every few months all set up and coordinated by my lovely amazing gal pal Chelsea!  So of course I did not have just one package this time, I had five.  I think I came across pretty clear on how much I love and adore my IG(instagram) infertility sisters and well some of us have become literally like support sisters.  They always know what to say, when to say it and most of the time have already been through it.  So, my postmaster(such a jokester) broad, tall, older black gentleman with a very deep voice; to add a face to my story, had me in tears.  I am in there once a week.  Minimum. And lets just say I live in a tiny little town, so he knows the routine.  Package for my husband and tons of random packages for woman all across the US today.  The Post Office was empty today at the time and we were carrying on causal conversation about the public shooting today at the Walmart I was just at a few days before.  We decided people are just plain crazy and need God in their lives.  Then when I began to explain that the small package was just dog treats and BBQ sauce, because he asked if anything was perishable. He then asked if the dog usually like mild or honey bbq sauce.  I laughed and then tried to explain how I forgot to put those in my other package yesterday.  He commented on how the others were going every which way across the map, FL, NY, GA and MN.  I smiled and mumbled "yea, they are for my support sisters."

"Wait, what? Idiot...Oh geez....Try to think of something to cover that up....uhh....ummm..before.........He leaned in and asked very polietly and quietly, "May I ask what kind of support?"

Now at this point in my journey I have become very open about my infertility to people that I can trust, including my sweet postman.  Heck, I didn't want him thinking I was a crack whore in recovery while her husband is at war.  So I spit it out.

"Infertility."

I think my eyes started watering for some reason already at that point.  He finished labeling my 30 packages and reached out his giant hand.  At first I was confused until he asked for mine.  As we stood there in that post office he prayed out loud for my future children and my infertility and as his hand surrounded mine the tears streamed down my face.  How could such a stranger of sorts move a person so much?  We said our "Amen's"  simultaneously and told him I would see him next week.  He smiled and said ok.  At that point if he would have felt it was appropriate he would have gave me a hug as well.  I would have accepted.  I brushed off my tears quickly before exiting and with my faith in humanity again restored and completely moved by the power of prayer.

As military spouses, we can all agree that “when it rains, it pours” and that philosophy definitely applies to every single deployment. It’s how we respond to them that ultimately determines how we let these potholes in the road affect us.  Good luck ladies and just keep swimming.  

And if a local semi-stranger asks for your hand and you feel comfortable, give him your hand.  Not everyone is out shooting random people in Walmart parking lots for fun. Some people actually give a damn about others without asking for anything in return.

Ctrl+C then Ctrl+V

Here we go again. I swear my visits to the baby maker is just one long film reel with a few edited outtakes of me making an ass of myself.  There is never a time that I haven't been in a ugly, jaw dropping, facial expression moment or two. Think Jenna Marbles "the face."  It's similar to the ugly cry. With no tears.  This is her answer to getting rid of unwanted creepishly(just made that word up, thanks) annoying men on her girls nights out.

But this face also comes in handy when you are in complete shock each and every time you visit the baby maker.  For me it is something I cannot control and goes a little something like this photo I took a few years back. 

Followed close by with.......

 Usually right after Dr. H says "lets do this."

"Work it smoochy," is not something I have yet to say but I will jot that down and try to remember that for the next round.  Not that there will be another round. That is the last thing I want to happen, but at this point I feel like another IUI procedure is as complicated as deciding on what flavor wings I want at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Mild and honey BBQ over here.  

Don't get me wrong the procedure itself is the only part I am referring to as a drive through at KFC selecting breast or thighs complication.  It still hurts to walk in and see other couples holding hands or chatting it up while I check in solo and wait solo and get potential children shot up my hoo-ha solo.  Pay my $400 dollars and then walk out solo, only to wait two weeks solo, have a failed cycle or chemical miscarriage solo and then to come back and do it all over again. Yep, you guessed it, SOLO.  But why beat myself up about it or cry and complain to everyone I know.  This is our situation.  It is also a few other military spouses situation.  It has always been our situation and will always be that way.  It is...what it is.  The Marine Corps is not stopping for my infertility.  Life doesn't just stop for anyone's infertility.  So the show roller coaster must go on.  Whether parents are unfit or very prepared and are getting knocked up or having babies left and right.  Or whether your niece is turning 13 and your turning 33 this year.  How about when people surprise call you and tell you they are having a baby when you haven't spoken in a year.  Life does not stop for them so why should it stop for my infertility.  Because it effing sucks and is totally not fair, is not a legit answer.  I have used that one a million times and the ride keeps going.  But seriously if you are not my sister, best friend, family or infertility sister please do not decide to call the infertile 32 year old whose husband is deployed and that has been TTC longer than you have been in a relationship, to tell your jolly good news too.  I thought I got my point across 10 blog posts ago, and now I sound like a bitter, old, jealous butt hole.  When in all honesty if you know my situation in the first place, it seems you are purposely rubbing it in my infertile freaking face. 

Babies are miracles and everyone that is blessed to reproduce when the time is right for them, I couldn't be more than happy for.  100% truth.   A phone call from someone I do not speak to anymore is just unnecessary and a card with a photo announcement, well lets just say it puts the cherry on top.  Happy for you.  Sad for my private parts but mostly for my crybaby heart. Get over it already. Ok.  

                                             

 I think I will have some pictures made up with my cardboard husband and dogs that say, "Still not pregnant" or "5 years and counting" and "Waiting on our miracle,"  all with sad, weepy faces.  Imagine my fertile friends and family getting that in the mail...cue the Jenna Marbles face.  That is in fact my face when I receive baby announcements or baby shower invites.  Along with that deep-sinking, heartbreaking, butterflies pit that never ends at the bottom of your stomach feeling.  Followed by slight rage and ripping up said announcement.   So why not join in on all the photo making fun? Just a thought, so don't get too excited.  Aint' noboby got time fo that.  I think we can retire that phrase.  It got annoying 3 months ago. 

Less ranting more explaining my groundhog day.  I went in thinking I would get a normal vaginal ultrasound and then he would schedule my IUI for later this week.  Possibly Thursday or Friday.  No mam. I had two great sized follicles at 21/22mm on the right and a smaller 12mm on the left.  The nurse came back after the U/S and shot me up with some hCG in the arm.  Quite painless to be exact. Ovidrel contains recombinant human choriogonadotropin alfa (hCG), an injectable hormone. This is the hormone that causes your eggs to finish maturing and be released. You may be given Ovidrel in the form of a shot to complete this final stage of your cycle.  This was my first hCG shot so hopefully it gives me an even greater chance.  A few hours later I was laying there spread eagle on the table waiting for my boys to score a touchdown.  That analogy is a little disturbing.  I apologize.  My husband is a football fanatic.  Understatement.

Much better.

My uterus was being stuck up again and so it took longer than usual but no more than five minutes of prodding and poking around with that lovely metal speculum prying me open to feel the burning of the insemination when Dr. H finally found the end zone.  We had 7.2 million team members this time around compared to 6 million the last two rounds.  "May the odds be forever in our favor Katniss" a little more this time.  1.2 million better odds to be exact.

So here we are again.  Another 2ww is in the works starting tomorrow at the earliest.  I can not (Crystal)lol take any tests whatsoever because I was given the hCG shot and that will stay in my system for at least 10-14 days.  Nothing like getting a false positive to cheer up someones day.  Good news is, I will be on my way to PA to visit my sister and father for the holiday around the 1st of July which will be the end of my 2ww.  Hoping and praying to take good news up north with me on this trip.  Regardless, I will then be picking up my niece and nephew and be bringing them back to NC for a month.  So my mind will be occupied with things other than another failed cycle if that is what is in the cards for us again.

Who goes to A.C.More to shop for crafts because you only have a Michaels(overpriced) in your town after getting 7 million sperm shot up in your privates.  This girl.

Look at that letter selection...wowowweewaaa!

So I will continue to sit here and mass produce wreaths for myself and family members in my spare time while possibly one out of 7.2 million sperm is going in the right direction. Hey its raining all week anyways, Jack.  

To all my IF sistas' out there in or about to be in your 2ww, lots of luck, and well wishes sent out to you from yours truly! XOXO

Let's do this! 

PS. I may have gotten out of hand with the gifs tonight...not sorry. I am having way to much fun.....mmkkkkk

Blog Tutorials Tips and Tricks

Oh hey blogging world. Time to switch it up this week and not talk about my vagina and reproductive organs or lack thereof.  Not that I don't have a vagina, awkward, I am so sorry dad, if you are or have been reading this blog.  Honesty has always been my best policy we just have to work on the grace part.
Happy early fathers day by the way if its any consolation just do not read the next line.
Take that Denise, favorite daughter award over here and its on a public blog. Championship.

Lets talk less about my choice of words involving my privates and more about that Hitler mustache and unbuttoned chest hair.  Granted this was taken in 1982 when you were just a kid starting out in the Army but seriously please don't ever repeat this look. Ever. That means Forrrr. Everrrr.  ;)

Brief update on the home front is that I am on CD 7 which means nothing to those of you just logging in to see if I am finally pregnant yet, so you can stop reading me complain about not being pregnant.  Good thing I didn't start this five years ago.  Basically that means go to.....yea...well. Lets try that again. Basically that means I am about a week away from IUI #3. I go in Tuesday for my pre-IUI ultrasound appointment to check follicle sizes to determine if I need more hormone raging, educed drugs in the form of a shot. Fun. Or if I am good to go and just need to come back a few days later for my next round of liquid sperm pleasure shot. More fun.  Less about pleasure more about happy little Michael Phelps gold medalist swimmers. Did I mention there are 6 million of those guys, how about one of you make it to the finish line. (**in my best Leslie Chow from the Hangover voice) “To-dah-loo. See ya next week gay boyyzzz." 

So what I really wanted to do this week is let you in on some tricks of the trade that I have learned on my own in this little blogging world. I am worthless when it comes to tutorials and handing out directions(I get lost in a paper bag) so lets just play it safe and keep this to a six year old learning curve for those of us that are a tad slow.  Like myself who has to Google words just to spell check them because my iPhone's spell checker cannot even figure out what I am trying to say.  Yes all of that is true.

If you noticed in the upper right hand corner of my home page these fancy little buttons.  I snagged them for free over at CarrieLoves.com  you can then head over to Elirose.com for a quick and easy tutorial on how to apply them to your blog! I use photobucket to save and upload the free images, just an FYI.  You will understand once you head over to Elirose's page. You can also just google "free social media buttons" and see which ones come up that you may like even better and then use the same tutorial to add them to your blog.

My next favorite stop in the bogging world is this little gem called Code it Pretty! I used her page to find just about anything when it came to spicing up my little slice of internet pie. Specifically my Pinterest widget board that is also on my sidebar on the right side of my blog. You can go here to Pinterest widget tutorial and she lays it out plain as day on how to score one of these bad boys for your page.  

While you are there you can also learn how to add a cool signature image to your blog like mine below which I made in Photoshop Elements(free trial here) along with my custom header that I also and whipped up, saved then I uploaded that (.png) image to Photobucket and used this tutorial Signature for Blogger to add it to my blog.

Two thumbs up to you Marie Mosley for being so awesome! (and no I am not getting paid to do or say any of this, however I would not turn any money down) Ok? Ok. Lets carry on. 

A few other honorable mentions goes to kevinandamanda.com for their awesome blog tutorials. Just remember blogger has evolved now so some tutorials can be confusing even though they still work the same. Still some awesome tutorials to show you the ropes and add some personal style to your page.

Fotoflexer is a free online image editor that works like Photoshop elements in some ways. Its worth checking out to play around with images. To create maybe a button or new header! I mean its free people what more do you want? I know, I know.  To make it for us would be pretty flipping spectacular.  Quit being lazy America.  Make the damn banner yourself. 

You can go here to Her and Nicole:Tutorials to learn how to then center that new custom header that you just whipped up.  Or else it will look like you took some hits of acid and tried to hammer out a new blog header.  

I use statcounter to check out who, where, when, and how people get to and from my blog.  Its funny to check out stats like when someone Google searches: "infertile private parts" and reaches your blog. Or it can be terrifying what you will find. Aka whoever was looking for "vagina sperm shooter" I can or will not do that. Just so we are clear on where my vagina capabilities stand.  You sick little freaks.

I am sure I will think of more things tomorrow but this thunderstorm has my pups up my butt-hole and we could lose power any minute.....and save.  So for now I wanted to add this awesome little app I found a few weeks ago and I use it to create and doodle on my images all the time. Many of them I post on my blogs. Guess what? You can too!  I use my iPad just because its easier but whatever works for you? The app is called "A Beautiful Mess."  It is the pink one that the arrow is pointing to below.  Just remember it is addicting and you will find yourself hours and a few bed sores later with nothing accomplished in your life except some cool new images with doodles and text drawn all over them.  Tell your husband I am sorry. Good luck.

This is one of my A Beautiful Mess creations that I shared on IG with this really good read I purchased a month ago! It is totally worth the buy if you are dealing with infertility.

I can't leave without mentioning this little nerd and my awesome yard sale find. I got this swing(retails for $150.00) and the matching bouncer(retails for $50.00) both of them for $70.00 bucks.  Just seeing Meia sit in the swing while it was on was worth that alone.  If you are really bored you can click on my new YT button and see her do just that.  I don't blame you if you don't.  Its just a dog sitting in a swing.  However a very cute dog you jerk.

Just like this old guy who got his hair cut and looks so handsome.  I literally was in tears because he looked so young and so different.  Getting old sucks.  Can they just make some special Walt Disney potion and let our pets grow old with us already?!

Like I said these three are up my you know what from the thunderstorm and its way past my bedtime!  So, until next time folks! Have a Happy Fathers Day to all the dads/dads to be of the world(even though there are probably none reading this, if you have a dad, or husband or father like figure give him a hug and tell him how much he is appreciated!  I will be sending mine an air hug from NC to PA since I am still building that time travel machine(chels)!

IUI #2 and Negative Nancy's

Who doesn't like pictures anyways?  These pictures were taken on my way to and at Myrtle beach this weekend, where I said I was going last post. Please bare with me for a few moments.

These fluffy little car riders make the trip much more enjoyable. I could just squeeze Barry's cute little head off. Little turd.  But such a cute one.

This is our awesome niece Marley who apparently likes her new swim goggles and wanted to wear them to the Put Put birthday party we were going to. What Mar' wants Mar' gets.

This is our super smart and adorable little cousin whom my husband and I have always called nephew. We were indulging in some Sweet Frog. Post birthday party. And you haven't lived unless you tried Sweet Frog. Just sayin'. Two cups is only optional if you are a picky eater like daddy and don't like to mix foods. Lol

Nothing finishes the long birthday party off like going back to grandmas, running around playing freeze tag and red rover for hours.  Especially if you are carrying Mar' on your back the whole time because "I'm too slow" is mumbled in her saddest, tiniest voice. She is four. Free pass. And yes I about died. Out. Of. Shape. Aunt Rachel is getting old kids.

Finally, I had a much needed adults only dinner with my sister-in-law sister. As I tagged along to one of her friends and someone I knew also, birthday dinner, at an awesome Japanese Steakhouse.

Let's just say we had a great time. "Jeff" had more fun than us I think. 14 girls at one table. Yes he did.  I can assure you he did.  This picture is of him saying "booty pop" to the birthday girl. Lets just leave it at that.

Last picture my SIL unknowingly snuck of me before I begin explaining what you really want to know about my 2ww.  This is me holding our three week old cousin Harper for the first time.  It did include crying while feeding her for a bit. But it also included a change in heart for me and my reason not to take a break for a few months from TTC.  I had decided if my IUI failed again I would be taking a much needed emotional, physical and tiny financial break.  In that very moment when I held her in my arms and looked at her perfect little face I knew I wouldn't be taking a break.

15-20% greater chance. That's what I have been told for every IUI cycle. Unfortunately, I have not fallen into that percentage. Again. I tested negative at 13DPIUI only after my SIL talked me into getting some tests while I was visiting family in Myrtle Beach this weekend. I had no symptoms. Nor did I have any thought that I was pregnant. The past two weeks went by pretty fast compared to many others from not obsessing.

It still hurts.  Honestly, I wasn't as upset as the first IUI; of course getting those positives didn't help matters. I think after hearing over and over how the HSG would make all the difference and this IUI would work was a let down to say the least. I know HSGs can help others conceive right away after having it done, but truth is, I fear something more complicated is wrong with my private parts that some dye clearing a path to the promise land cannot handle.  Only IVF will give us answers but that is not something we can do right now.

So where do we go from here?

Moving right along to IUI #3 of course.  Awesome.  You will have to excuse my heavy sarcasm. I know this right now is our only option with D being deployed until November.  But I can assure you I am not excited anymore than I would be jumping into a shark tank while on my period. We know that's one thing I can always count on every month. Stupid uterus. So we shovel out more money, have some thawed sperm shot into my uterus, and hope we get lucky. With no more answers than when we started five years ago. Lets just go ahead and say that unexplained infertility blows. And not I'm not talking lollipops people. Bill Clinton.  Enough said. 

I know I should be happy that we are able to do the something.  And I am.  But at 15% I am not screaming while jumping for joy and flashing my ta-tas for beads at Mardi Gras kind of happy.  More of a thankful I have ovaries and enough money to cover the next IUI and hoping I will be in that 15% range on the next cycle happy. My logical brain keeps asking over and over why will the third, fourth, fifth or sixth time work when the first two are going to be the same protocol?  The only difference this time is we are lowering my Femera from 7.5mg to 5mg. My RE thinks I was overstimulated last cycle when I had a show-off follicle ringing in at 30mm and one that had already decided to jump ship before the boys arrived. Hopefully going back to the 5mg will put my follicles in a good range so our timing can improve when doing the next IUI around ovulation. Hoping and praying. Begging, pleading, crying, and obsessing are not excluded. 

With another failed cycle and another month of waiting I have to say there has been something that has been on my mind the past few weeks and more recently I think others around me have noticed as well. I have always felt this way forever and now I feel it is a perfect time to share on these feelings. This way I can use the excuse of feeling bitter and depressed about another failed IUI as a reason to put someone in their negative place.

          

I absolutely cannot stand chronic complainers.  Key word: Chronic.  

Yes. Everyone has a bad day, I get that, but not every other day.  If you like to complain about your big toe having a hang nail for a week and how it's the end of the world. Your dead to me. What about the diabetic with no toes.  Be lucky you have toes to get a hang nail on. Please know your audience and whom you are complaining too.  No I do not care that you can't afford to buy diapers or a baby crib for your "planned" baby or gas for your car.  I believe babies have always needed both of those and I was born in 1980.  And gas has never been free.  Shocker.

I mean yes, at certain times and in certain situations there are exceptions to the rule.  And if you use humor and make light of your shitty situation(especially if it literally involves poo).  Like this weekend when my 12 year old, arthritic Golden fell down trying to do #2 and I had to physically hold him up to finish as I bawled over top him and his poop and my negative test that I had just took. Could my situation have gotten any shittier? Afraid not. I didn't share this with anyone online because I am still trying to act like he is fine and not let the failed cycle get to me.  And also because he is still alive and no matter who I tell, his bones are not going to magically fix themselves.  Just know there is a difference when complaining and making fun of your pitiful self. I do that myself.

Facebook and Instagram are not your personal hate diaries.  If your negative/positive, posts or pictures ratio is more than 30/70. Consider yourself blocked or unfollowed.  Write a blog or phone a friend for goodness sakes.  I hate to burst your bubble. I don't think anyone will be reading it if all you do is cry over stale cereal and not being able to fart quietly in public.  Seriously, how do you even live with yourself and that much negativity?!?  I feel like I need a drink after seeing your posts and pictures.  And I don't even drink anymore.  Occasional wine on CDs 1-7 do not count. Lastly, do not be butt-hurt or confused when you do not see my profile anymore. Two fingers.  I'm out.

No, I am not that hood, I like to pretend sometimes I am another person. I have issues.