IUI #2 and Negative Nancy's

Who doesn't like pictures anyways?  These pictures were taken on my way to and at Myrtle beach this weekend, where I said I was going last post. Please bare with me for a few moments.

These fluffy little car riders make the trip much more enjoyable. I could just squeeze Barry's cute little head off. Little turd.  But such a cute one.

This is our awesome niece Marley who apparently likes her new swim goggles and wanted to wear them to the Put Put birthday party we were going to. What Mar' wants Mar' gets.

This is our super smart and adorable little cousin whom my husband and I have always called nephew. We were indulging in some Sweet Frog. Post birthday party. And you haven't lived unless you tried Sweet Frog. Just sayin'. Two cups is only optional if you are a picky eater like daddy and don't like to mix foods. Lol

Nothing finishes the long birthday party off like going back to grandmas, running around playing freeze tag and red rover for hours.  Especially if you are carrying Mar' on your back the whole time because "I'm too slow" is mumbled in her saddest, tiniest voice. She is four. Free pass. And yes I about died. Out. Of. Shape. Aunt Rachel is getting old kids.

Finally, I had a much needed adults only dinner with my sister-in-law sister. As I tagged along to one of her friends and someone I knew also, birthday dinner, at an awesome Japanese Steakhouse.

Let's just say we had a great time. "Jeff" had more fun than us I think. 14 girls at one table. Yes he did.  I can assure you he did.  This picture is of him saying "booty pop" to the birthday girl. Lets just leave it at that.

Last picture my SIL unknowingly snuck of me before I begin explaining what you really want to know about my 2ww.  This is me holding our three week old cousin Harper for the first time.  It did include crying while feeding her for a bit. But it also included a change in heart for me and my reason not to take a break for a few months from TTC.  I had decided if my IUI failed again I would be taking a much needed emotional, physical and tiny financial break.  In that very moment when I held her in my arms and looked at her perfect little face I knew I wouldn't be taking a break.

15-20% greater chance. That's what I have been told for every IUI cycle. Unfortunately, I have not fallen into that percentage. Again. I tested negative at 13DPIUI only after my SIL talked me into getting some tests while I was visiting family in Myrtle Beach this weekend. I had no symptoms. Nor did I have any thought that I was pregnant. The past two weeks went by pretty fast compared to many others from not obsessing.

It still hurts.  Honestly, I wasn't as upset as the first IUI; of course getting those positives didn't help matters. I think after hearing over and over how the HSG would make all the difference and this IUI would work was a let down to say the least. I know HSGs can help others conceive right away after having it done, but truth is, I fear something more complicated is wrong with my private parts that some dye clearing a path to the promise land cannot handle.  Only IVF will give us answers but that is not something we can do right now.

So where do we go from here?

Moving right along to IUI #3 of course.  Awesome.  You will have to excuse my heavy sarcasm. I know this right now is our only option with D being deployed until November.  But I can assure you I am not excited anymore than I would be jumping into a shark tank while on my period. We know that's one thing I can always count on every month. Stupid uterus. So we shovel out more money, have some thawed sperm shot into my uterus, and hope we get lucky. With no more answers than when we started five years ago. Lets just go ahead and say that unexplained infertility blows. And not I'm not talking lollipops people. Bill Clinton.  Enough said. 

I know I should be happy that we are able to do the something.  And I am.  But at 15% I am not screaming while jumping for joy and flashing my ta-tas for beads at Mardi Gras kind of happy.  More of a thankful I have ovaries and enough money to cover the next IUI and hoping I will be in that 15% range on the next cycle happy. My logical brain keeps asking over and over why will the third, fourth, fifth or sixth time work when the first two are going to be the same protocol?  The only difference this time is we are lowering my Femera from 7.5mg to 5mg. My RE thinks I was overstimulated last cycle when I had a show-off follicle ringing in at 30mm and one that had already decided to jump ship before the boys arrived. Hopefully going back to the 5mg will put my follicles in a good range so our timing can improve when doing the next IUI around ovulation. Hoping and praying. Begging, pleading, crying, and obsessing are not excluded. 

With another failed cycle and another month of waiting I have to say there has been something that has been on my mind the past few weeks and more recently I think others around me have noticed as well. I have always felt this way forever and now I feel it is a perfect time to share on these feelings. This way I can use the excuse of feeling bitter and depressed about another failed IUI as a reason to put someone in their negative place.

          

I absolutely cannot stand chronic complainers.  Key word: Chronic.  

Yes. Everyone has a bad day, I get that, but not every other day.  If you like to complain about your big toe having a hang nail for a week and how it's the end of the world. Your dead to me. What about the diabetic with no toes.  Be lucky you have toes to get a hang nail on. Please know your audience and whom you are complaining too.  No I do not care that you can't afford to buy diapers or a baby crib for your "planned" baby or gas for your car.  I believe babies have always needed both of those and I was born in 1980.  And gas has never been free.  Shocker.

I mean yes, at certain times and in certain situations there are exceptions to the rule.  And if you use humor and make light of your shitty situation(especially if it literally involves poo).  Like this weekend when my 12 year old, arthritic Golden fell down trying to do #2 and I had to physically hold him up to finish as I bawled over top him and his poop and my negative test that I had just took. Could my situation have gotten any shittier? Afraid not. I didn't share this with anyone online because I am still trying to act like he is fine and not let the failed cycle get to me.  And also because he is still alive and no matter who I tell, his bones are not going to magically fix themselves.  Just know there is a difference when complaining and making fun of your pitiful self. I do that myself.

Facebook and Instagram are not your personal hate diaries.  If your negative/positive, posts or pictures ratio is more than 30/70. Consider yourself blocked or unfollowed.  Write a blog or phone a friend for goodness sakes.  I hate to burst your bubble. I don't think anyone will be reading it if all you do is cry over stale cereal and not being able to fart quietly in public.  Seriously, how do you even live with yourself and that much negativity?!?  I feel like I need a drink after seeing your posts and pictures.  And I don't even drink anymore.  Occasional wine on CDs 1-7 do not count. Lastly, do not be butt-hurt or confused when you do not see my profile anymore. Two fingers.  I'm out.

No, I am not that hood, I like to pretend sometimes I am another person. I have issues.