Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Ctrl+C then Ctrl+V

Here we go again. I swear my visits to the baby maker is just one long film reel with a few edited outtakes of me making an ass of myself.  There is never a time that I haven't been in a ugly, jaw dropping, facial expression moment or two. Think Jenna Marbles "the face."  It's similar to the ugly cry. With no tears.  This is her answer to getting rid of unwanted creepishly(just made that word up, thanks) annoying men on her girls nights out.

But this face also comes in handy when you are in complete shock each and every time you visit the baby maker.  For me it is something I cannot control and goes a little something like this photo I took a few years back. 

Followed close by with.......

 Usually right after Dr. H says "lets do this."

"Work it smoochy," is not something I have yet to say but I will jot that down and try to remember that for the next round.  Not that there will be another round. That is the last thing I want to happen, but at this point I feel like another IUI procedure is as complicated as deciding on what flavor wings I want at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Mild and honey BBQ over here.  

Don't get me wrong the procedure itself is the only part I am referring to as a drive through at KFC selecting breast or thighs complication.  It still hurts to walk in and see other couples holding hands or chatting it up while I check in solo and wait solo and get potential children shot up my hoo-ha solo.  Pay my $400 dollars and then walk out solo, only to wait two weeks solo, have a failed cycle or chemical miscarriage solo and then to come back and do it all over again. Yep, you guessed it, SOLO.  But why beat myself up about it or cry and complain to everyone I know.  This is our situation.  It is also a few other military spouses situation.  It has always been our situation and will always be that way.  It is...what it is.  The Marine Corps is not stopping for my infertility.  Life doesn't just stop for anyone's infertility.  So the show roller coaster must go on.  Whether parents are unfit or very prepared and are getting knocked up or having babies left and right.  Or whether your niece is turning 13 and your turning 33 this year.  How about when people surprise call you and tell you they are having a baby when you haven't spoken in a year.  Life does not stop for them so why should it stop for my infertility.  Because it effing sucks and is totally not fair, is not a legit answer.  I have used that one a million times and the ride keeps going.  But seriously if you are not my sister, best friend, family or infertility sister please do not decide to call the infertile 32 year old whose husband is deployed and that has been TTC longer than you have been in a relationship, to tell your jolly good news too.  I thought I got my point across 10 blog posts ago, and now I sound like a bitter, old, jealous butt hole.  When in all honesty if you know my situation in the first place, it seems you are purposely rubbing it in my infertile freaking face. 

Babies are miracles and everyone that is blessed to reproduce when the time is right for them, I couldn't be more than happy for.  100% truth.   A phone call from someone I do not speak to anymore is just unnecessary and a card with a photo announcement, well lets just say it puts the cherry on top.  Happy for you.  Sad for my private parts but mostly for my crybaby heart. Get over it already. Ok.  
Diamonds In The Sky | via Tumblr

 I think I will have some pictures made up with my cardboard husband and dogs that say, "Still not pregnant" or "5 years and counting" and "Waiting on our miracle,"  all with sad, weepy faces.  Imagine my fertile friends and family getting that in the mail...cue the Jenna Marbles face.  That is in fact my face when I receive baby announcements or baby shower invites.  Along with that deep-sinking, heartbreaking, butterflies pit that never ends at the bottom of your stomach feeling.  Followed by slight rage and ripping up said announcement.   So why not join in on all the photo making fun? Just a thought, so don't get too excited.  Aint' noboby got time fo that.  I think we can retire that phrase.  It got annoying 3 months ago. 

Less ranting more explaining my groundhog day.  I went in thinking I would get a normal vaginal ultrasound and then he would schedule my IUI for later this week.  Possibly Thursday or Friday.  No mam. I had two great sized follicles at 21/22mm on the right and a smaller 12mm on the left.  The nurse came back after the U/S and shot me up with some hCG in the arm.  Quite painless to be exact. Ovidrel contains recombinant human choriogonadotropin alfa (hCG), an injectable hormone. This is the hormone that causes your eggs to finish maturing and be released. You may be given Ovidrel in the form of a shot to complete this final stage of your cycle.  This was my first hCG shot so hopefully it gives me an even greater chance.  A few hours later I was laying there spread eagle on the table waiting for my boys to score a touchdown.  That analogy is a little disturbing.  I apologize.  My husband is a football fanatic.  Understatement.

Much better.

My uterus was being stuck up again and so it took longer than usual but no more than five minutes of prodding and poking around with that lovely metal speculum prying me open to feel the burning of the insemination when Dr. H finally found the end zone.  We had 7.2 million team members this time around compared to 6 million the last two rounds.  "May the odds be forever in our favor Katniss" a little more this time.  1.2 million better odds to be exact.

So here we are again.  Another 2ww is in the works starting tomorrow at the earliest.  I can not (Crystal)lol take any tests whatsoever because I was given the hCG shot and that will stay in my system for at least 10-14 days.  Nothing like getting a false positive to cheer up someones day.  Good news is, I will be on my way to PA to visit my sister and father for the holiday around the 1st of July which will be the end of my 2ww.  Hoping and praying to take good news up north with me on this trip.  Regardless, I will then be picking up my niece and nephew and be bringing them back to NC for a month.  So my mind will be occupied with things other than another failed cycle if that is what is in the cards for us again.

Who goes to A.C.More to shop for crafts because you only have a Michaels(overpriced) in your town after getting 7 million sperm shot up in your privates.  This girl.

Look at that letter selection...wowowweewaaa!

So I will continue to sit here and mass produce wreaths for myself and family members in my spare time while possibly one out of 7.2 million sperm is going in the right direction. Hey its raining all week anyways, Jack.  

To all my IF sistas' out there in or about to be in your 2ww, lots of luck, and well wishes sent out to you from yours truly! XOXO

Let's do this! 

PS. I may have gotten out of hand with the gifs tonight...not sorry. I am having way to much fun.....mmkkkkk

1 comment:

  1. hey lady loved the blog! praying for a BFP this time around!