One Year PUPO Feels

A year ago today my boys were one day old. Or in the world of IVFers. 

PUPO.  

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. 

That feeling on that day (11/15/14) is so hard to explain. There are no words that would do it any justice. If you haven't walked down the IVF road they are just words. I say it all the time. But it's true. I could explain the shit out of it until I am blue in the face but until you wrote out a check for sticking needles in your stomach and buttocks for weeks. Not the good kind either. They are just words. 

You see, a lot of family and friends of my own still do not understand what true miracles I get to hold in my arms every day. From the outside people see two babies. They see a lot of diapers and no sleep. These things as true as they may be are not what I see. 

30%. That was the percentage we were given that both embryos would survive on transfer 5 days prior to being PUPO. Now, I am no math whiz but if you are gambling you definitely don't want to be on that side. We take those numbers like thousands of other couples and dive in without really having a clue what the hell they told us in the IVF meeting about mixing this drug and do this one first and this one at this time of the day. You are so overwhelmed even though you watch a million videos online and YouTube to try not to mess it up. 

You drive over 2 hours to your IVF clinic at 4am. Before work to make it back in time to start your work shift. Every other day. You hope no one walks in on you at work or in public because everything is timed so you are shooting up looking like a junkie when you are just trying to make a baby. 

We take out loans in hopes that this first cycle will end up with what you've waited years, 8 to be precise, for. Sometimes we do this 1,2,3,4+ times. We thankfully only endured this once. 

You have surgeries to clear out your endometriosis. Along with saying goodbye to both Fallopian tubes also saying goodbye to EVER being pregnant on your own again.  There are miscarriages and due dates that never happened that you will always remember. 

We gain weight. We lose weight. 

We don't drink alcohol or a sip of caffeine the month prior and during IVF because we think that will help our chances. 

We go on diets of every kind. Sugar free. Gluten free. Give me a baby for free. Nice try infertile. 

We try Acupuncture and any hippie dippy bullshit that comes across your computer screen, phone screen or tv screen that  tells you they can make you fertile. 

We remember dates and numbers like November 10th, egg retrieval, and 7 the number of embroyos that made it to blasts. But we can't remember our own phone number sometimes.

We buy a million pregnancy tests just because you want to make sure you aren't seeing things or you want to test out your trigger shot which can give a false positive. 

We are comfortable with a vaginal ultrasound as we've had hundreds with and any student or dr in training looking at our lady goods and infertile private parts. 

We know OHSS and being overstimulated from all the IVF drugs and having to wait to freeze your embryos and transfer them after you recover.  I luckily did not but I know many that have.  

We remember the feeling of not having any embroyos make it to transfer after such a long journey or all of the above. 

And finally again we remember the feeling of being PUPO after all of that.  

Again. These are all just words. The feelings when you are going through it you can't understand if you haven't been there. It's not your fault. I don't blame or think of you badly because of it. I am happy you don't know half of those acryonyms or any of that pain. The worry. The guilt. Oh the guilt you feel for having to put your husband through infertility. 

That's a big one. 

The stress about not stressing. 

The wait. If you waited on something for years and years and fought for it so hard maybe then you would understand "why does she posts so many pictures of her boys" or snap chats every second of their life. 

Still. Just more words. 

Our IVF story could have ended very differently. As I lay here at 3am reflecting on a year from being PUPO when I should be sleeping. I can't help but think how grateful I am for what I have.  "Proven otherwise" happens all the time. 

I got to see two pink lines after my trigger shot wore off and I was actually pregnant. I can't speak for those who did not but I can say for myself looking back now that it was all worth it. The pain. The guilt. The wait. The stress. The sadness. The bitterness. It all fades into the background of my life now. A life with twins. But it is still there. When you are on the verge of a breakdown from waking up by yourself to nurse, pump, change and feed two boys every 2-3 hours for four months. It's there. It keeps you grounded. You hug them and thank them for being here. When you average 1-2 hours of sleep for months and months you are still so thankful deep down inside. It is there.  You actually cry because you know instead of no sleep you could have no baby(ies). Your love is so huge from everything it took to get here it makes you stronger. Much more patient. So much love.  It keeps you going. People ask "how do you do it with twins?" 

It's not me to be honest. It's the ladies still waiting and the boys I've waited so long for.  The ladies whose PUPO only lasted for a few weeks or just days. I think of them when my colic twin is crying for hours and doesn't sleep. I promise it's not me. I am no super hero or genetically altered super mama. I am trying my hardest to not be one of those weird moms who never leaves her baby(ies) for a date night or "mommy time" that I see others doing but we are going on 5 months and I have yet to accomplish that. Talk to me when they are 8 months maybe. And what's the secret to not just thinking about them while you are gone and actually enjoying your time?? Anyone?? Like I said. I am an average mama. I'm ok at best. I put my boys in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse when I need five minutes to eat for the first time in the day by noon and chug my cold coffee.  

The women who are still fighting. Still on their 2nd, 3rd and 4th......round of IVF or FETs are the real MVPs and super heroes.

I still feel your pain. Only for you now not myself.  I know what I have and I appreciate it so much and nothing can compare to having them. No sleep. No money. No time waiting. 

Every ounce in the depths of my heart and soul in my body is grateful every day. Even the hard days. It's not worth mentioning or complaining about. That takes away from the love I have. 

If you are one of those ladies I am so sorry. Don't give up. Whether IVF, surrogacy, adoption, foster care, buying a zoo of baby animals is your path to being a mama I can tell you it is all worth it in the end as much as you hear that over and over and you're thinking like I did WHEN WHEN WHEN damn it. When is MY when??!

I wish I could tell you and wave a magic wand. I hope it is soon for you. That's all I can do. And pray. 

In the end, no matter how I try to answer, "how do you do it with twins" to people, usually I shrug my shoulders and just say how awesome my boys are. But deep down I am thinking in my head the answer to that question is simple if they ever felt the feels of being PUPO. 

30% 

That's how. 

Forever thankful for these gifts I've been given. I will cherish my 30% babies forever and ever. 

Infertile Twin Mom's Top 10 Baby Buys

So you're knocked up. Finally. Or maybe surprisingly. Surpriseeee....We hate you. Just kidding. Either way. This is going to be the list of the $hit you should be buying for your bebes. Or if you have to attend a disgusting baby shower(yuck) the parents will love you for purchasing any one of these things even if they don't realize it until the time comes. Aka the shit hits the fan. Literally....and figuratively. Maybe just the bed or if you're lucky to catch it in your hand you are one step ahead. Make sure you cover that boy up with something before you get sprayed in the face at 2am too. It happens. A lot. Especially around here when you just put on a new outfit.  

Since we hit the IVF lottery and we are blessed with two little minions this list will be geared towards twins but most items are for one baby as well.  If you're having triplets. God bless you. I don't know how you trip mom and dads survive. Coffee. Buckets of coffee I'm sure. And a whole lot of mombie. 

So let's get to it. The boys are sleeping so that gives me an hour to knock this out. Who am I kidding...I'll be holding one in ten minutes. 

1) First off the holy crap we are actually having a baby list are Rock N Play Sleepers. 

The ones with the automatic rocking mechanism are what I'm referring to here. Our boys slept in the Twin Pack n Play(won't need this for another 6 months) for one night. Yep. One whole night. Then they slept back and forth with us in our bed(ahh I know what a travesty...the horror..oh no she didn't) and back to the rock n plays. You can carry them around the house from room to room while you make more bottles or fold laundry in the living room. They are light weight and small enough for travel. They are inclined and move like I said   a u t o m a t i c a l l y. Duh. Definitely buy this one. Or like me. Two. I scored two on Black Friday from Target for around $50 free shipping. They normally run around $70-$80 each for this version. Thank me later. 

2)Must Have Remedies & NoseFrida
Next up. I grouped these into one picture and called them the starting lineup. Buy all of this crap. Thats where you need to start.  No brainer.  If they make gripe water in buckets please email me and let a sista know where to score that motherload. Tummy troubles, colic, fussy babies, sleeping husband....wait. Just kidding. Doesn't work on that. But really, all of these things will work like magic. Not on the husband though. You're on your own with that. I'm only one person. Call Dr. Phill or someone.  Geez. Get off my back. 

The NoseFrida is the tube suction looking thing which is in short a snot sucker. It works amazing and when your little ones come down with a cold because they will no matter how much hand sanitizer or soap you use or Clorox "wiped" your house is. The little jerks.  They. Will. Get. Sick. Eventually. 

The chest rub smells amazing and it's all natural so slab that crap on like there's no tomorrow. (With everything use with caution according to what's on the label. I'm not claiming to be a medical profesh over here these are just what I use for my boys and it's not my fault if you overdose your kid because you're a moron.)  I found everything above at Walmart except the Nose Frida. You can get it on Amazon, BabiesRUs and other places for around $15 dollars. It's called Google people. Again only one person. 

3) Boppy or Newborn Boppy Lounger orrrr Splurge on a Twin Table for Two. 

I was gifted both a boppy and lounger or I would have just bought 2 of the newborn lounger versions instead of having one of each. On the lounger version the boys don't slip down like on the regular boppy. I put something under mine to help with that annoyance. I also prop a pillow up behind them when feeding to give them more of an angle. I always hold them to feed them from a bottle but when you have twins they will wake up once you start feeding one, be starving and then get impatient and start screaming so this works best for me. 

If I had the money to splurge the "Table for Two" looks awesome! I would definitely get that. I didn't know it existed until a few weeks ago or that bad boy would be sitting on my bed right now with two hungry hippos in it.  It even has the padding to prevent them from slipping. So if you have an extra $270 dollars to blow. Blow it on that and not on a fancy crib that they won't sleep in right away or a stupid crib bedding set. I didn't do either of those things for the record. Just sayin. 

4)Double Snap n Go Stroller

This is the easiest, most convienant stroller to use when it comes to lugging around two babies. And by yourself. I would buy this ten times over if I had too. Lucky for me and my thirftiness(aka èl cheapó) I found mine at a yard sale/Craigslist for $40 bucks. Totally worth the $80 though even if it's just being used while they are in infant car seats. Side note -my next stroller is the City Select Double Jogger just in case you are wondering. I've been wanting that since the Titanic sank. I'll never let go either. 

5)Zipper SleepnPlays

Ok people listen up. Zipper freaking everything and anything. Especially when you have twins or more. Those people who buy you the pajamas or outfits with a million stupid buttons. Punch them in the face. Not really. You can thank them and in your head pretend to punch them in the face. Unless it's the most adorable thing you have ever seen. I have two of those. And they get a free pass. But what I'm really talking about here is pajamas. No one wants to be Mrs. Buttons Alot at 12am, 2am, 4am and 6am(if you're lucky to have boys that wake up to eat every two hours going on 8 weeks). She's stupid and you will end up not buttoning them half the time by 4am when on baby number two. Now Miss Zipper Quickly. You will want to be her. She's the best. The boys only wear zipper sleepers or gowns. Don't leave Mrs. It'snotadressit'sa Gown (insert husbands name) David out. She's pretty awesome too. In and out. Like you're robbing a bank. But no money is involved. Just pee and poop. And you don't want to get shot. 

6)Vicks Vaporizer

Pretty self explanatory. See sick baby reference above on numbers 2&3. We also have a nice humidifier as well in our room. But this with the liquid vaporizer stuff you pour in does magic as well on the noses. 

7)Microwave Sterilizer

Because. Germs. Pour some water in it throw all your thousands of annoying Dr. Brown bottle parts in it and toss it in the microwave to sterilize while your water is boiling for formula or breast milk is warming. 

8)Aden&Anais Blankets

What can't be done with these things is the real question. Swaddle, nursing cover, blanket, cover a boppy or anything you want to lay the babies on, burp cloth,      a pillow under moms neck when sleeping on the couch after an all night feeding session because she can't reach a pillow and can't move or she might wake up both babies. These are around $30 at Target for a 3 pack. I have 6 total and that number is plenty for twins.

9)Prefolds

Because they are hands down the best burp cloths you will use. I also have two laying on a blanket on the bed for all the overnight diaper changes every 2-3 hours. My quilt thanks me. So does my washer. 

10)Moby Wrap
Pick up crying fussy newborn. Place him in Moby. End of crying fussy newborn. I hear some babies rarely don't like this. Both mine love it. And who doesn't love hands free. I also have the Twingaroo carrier but the boys are only a few days shy of 2 months old and too little for that just yet. Also. Spend the money and buy an Ergo if you are looking for a carrier. Trust me. Don't go èl cheapó on this one. Your back is worth every penny. You're welcome. 

So that concludes my Top Ten things you need to survive at least the first six months of twins or a singleton baby. 

I could have added honorable mention. A teapot. But that's only if you're using formula to supplement(which I am) and I didn't want to go through a hundred comments about breast is best etc etc. Mermmy warzzz. I wish I didn't have to but I do. End of story. But I use that 12 dollar teapot everyday so it would be number 11 on the list. 

Along with number 12 a small portable heater for bath time because we like a warm spa like bath experience around here. With essential oils as well going in a diffuser. 

So that's it. Print this off or write a few down. Pinky promise you won't regret buying these things. 

I should be posting my birth plan or birth story whatever those dumb things are called. Mine wasn't really a plan. It was an unplan if you will kind of like my whole building a family plan. I'm working on a post now. But the boys are doing great. Had a little cold(told ya) but are feeling better now. I'll leave you with some newborn photo spam. And yes I need to change my blog header. I know. Baby steps yall.  Gotta go!

Bye for now. 

Pregnant Infertile thoughts....

Don't worry after a few months of being absent hiding out from my blog, passing the time all knocked up and dependa like, now that I'm not working, this isn't a post of me going on and on about how preggo I really am.  I do however have a few things I would like to get off my now enlarged chest(positives people).

First things first. I hope your Cinco De Mayo hangover is wearing off by now. I mean it is 10am on a Wednesday slacker, really how many Margaritas could one consume during the middle of the week? Those of you applying for new jobs this morning I am assuming ALOT. Plus it is the dreaded bah bah bummm Mothers day/week. The one I dreaded for almost eight years. Staying off social media this week was a given some of those years depending on where I was in the up and down roller coaster of infertility.

Yes I still had my own Mother who raised me and in a perfect world I should be happy as a bumblebee in a field of wild flowers. But we aren't all bumblebees and those flowers sometimes feel like dead flowers or for me miscarriages or another failed infertility treatment.  Slapping you in the face and reminding you again another year has passed by and you still are not a mother.  Technically speaking of course.  People are telling me Happy Mothers Day but they never said anything last year.  So to those of you that had to give your baby back like I did and no one wished you a Happy Mothers Day then, I'm sorry.  They probably don't mean to be hurtful they just don't understand and they never will.  You are and always will be a mother my loves. 

Those of you still fighting, still dragging yourself to another millionth Dr. appointment shoveling out another lump of cash for what is starting to seem hopeless on this day or week, I'm sorry. 

I know what it was like to feel that way for a long time and to now feel completely different and free from hurt. I think my Instagram news feed after 4 years is now 90% of women with toddlers, babies, or pregnant with their second or third child as I scroll up and down.  I see it too. And I am sorry.  

Not that pregnancy shouldn't be celebrated or pictures of your blessings shared but I was there and at times over and over, picture after picture it gets to be too much.  I think in the past 7 months of being pregnant I've maybe posted 12 pictures of myself.  All of them a celebrated milestone of where I came from but I know deep down they still hurt at least a little.  I feel it when I go out in public. Wondering if that women in her 30's alone is struggling like I was.  I try not to make eye contact and it's hard to cover this mountain on my front side now but I wish I had a shirt to wear in moments like this that say, "Miracles Happen" or "My Dr. Knocked Me Up"......I do have two shirts that say, "Don't give up" and "Dream Big" but in those moments I am never wearing the darn things. So to the infertile woman staring at my huge belly in line at the grocery store. I am sorry. I understand and I wish I could tell you I was once in your shoes.  

I guess my point is that I am sorry Mothers Day is hard for those still waiting especially if you are waiting and a miscarriage survivor and I think about you more than myself even though now I am pregnant.  

I chose to be happy and not dwell on the sadness that's the only advice I have. Sometimes you can and other times you can't.  Throughout the past seven years I tried to stay in control and it was a constant battle of happiness verses sadness but it worked and looking back I am glad I chose to focus on the happiness in my life. No matter how small sometimes those moments were.  Who likes walking around all sad and miserable everyday? Not this girl. 

If you have unfollowed me on IG, I understand and feel nothing but compassion for you. If I had a genie in a bottle or access to Bill Gates bank account I would do work on your fight to becoming a mother. Reality is, Aladdin is a joke and we took out a loan ourselves for IVF so all I have is unlimited virtual hugs, a lot of love and understanding and someone to hear you vent. I believe you are all mothers if only in your heart right now and I hope your path to motherhood is shown to you soon.

Ok, so this should be two seperate posts but I like to live out side of the box. Honestly, I've been holding this in for months now. And even before becoming pregnant I have blogged about it but I feel like if you are following me on any social media it should be clear where I stand. Apparently it is not. 

Whatever I do while being pregnant or eventually as a mom is no ones business except my own or my husbands. I am thirty freaking four years old not sixteen and pregnant.  Please educate yourself on real facts before sending me junk mail.   I've cared for and watched nieces, nephews and cousins for weeks and months at a time as babies all the way up to teens over the past 18 years from being a babysitter to a nanny to a loving spoiling over the top Aunt. So please stop with the emails, the private messages, the comments on pictures on how I should or shouldn't be doing something.  I am not reading them anyways. So stop wasting your time and filling up my trash inbox. Thanks.  

I am sure there are millions of moms who feel the same way about these over bearing, know it all, my way is the right way mothers.  I see other friends under attack or getting schooled on what someone thinks is best for another persons child. 

Unless someone is putting a child in danger please keep scrolling.  

Enough rambling for the day. I will try to post something less vent-full next time like pictures of the nursery perhaps or of our mini maternity shoot with the boys names? Not sure if that's too much on here for some of  you?  I am still juggling not over-sharing too much preggo-saurusness. I am still paranoid especially after last nights trip to the L&D at 27 weeks. I'm home now and the boys are doing great just need to be taking it much easier than I have been apparently. I could have swore I was Superwomen for a moment.  As in, lay here in this bed and don't move unless you need food or to pee.  Which occurs a lot in the fourth third trimester with twins.  I would stand on my head if that's what the good midwife ordered but I'm off to devour some sushi which apparently uneducated people think is a huge "no no" for pregnant women. Along with decisions of me not having a baby shower, having our twins in our bedroom for 6 months after they are born, buying used items for the boys etc etc. to each their own people. Specifically my own. Thank you.  (click "devour some sushi" for some enlightenment). 

To all my future and current baby momma's out there keep on being the amazing mom's you are and block, unfollow, politely ignore or roll your eyes to those that just have a little extra time on their hands to tell you how to live. And you know who I mean.  To my infertile ladies just remember this post for future reference because it will happen to you my loves.  Until next time. 

Still processing. Aka hot mess.

There I was standing in the middle of the Gap outlet crying uncontrollably.....

We aren't just talking a little whimper here a tear there. I mean a full on breathing heavy sobfest repeating "please get it together" in my head "thank God no one is in this store because it's a Tuesday type of cry."  Got the tears going up on a Tuesdayyy......real mature Rachel. 

So anyways I stumbled around like a zombie not able to look at or purchase anything for at least thirty minutes. Even the extra 60% off clearance couldn't help me snap back from my spiral downfall of the emotional wreck I was in.  

Choo choo. All aboard the hot mess train. 

So I shuffled out the door hiding behind my husband with my head down just in case they thought he was beating me and needed to intervene. 

I sat in the truck as my husband went into Nike and I tried to pull my shit together.  

It worked a little. We headed into the Carters outlet with a gift card from my beautiful friend Chelsea that she gave us at Christmas. 

In my head. ((Baseball....baseball stadium..wait that's for dudes. Puppies. Cute little fluffy golden retriever puppies bouncing around with their puppy stinky but love for puppy breathe. Max was such a cute puppy. Oh lord....no no no no noo. Baseball and bats and home runs. Ok this is working)) We entered the store. 

Where do I even begin. The bathroom of course. These babies are still laying low and sideways stacked on top of eachother so the bathroom is my best friend still these days. 

Side note. At my ultrasound today Twin A was punching or caressing Twin B's face. They were laying face to face and I'd go with punching most likely. They are very crammed and it's like survival of the fittest I'm sure in here for them. Ok carry on. 

I exited the bathroom. and we begin looking in the boy section. This store was also dead. Thank you baby Jesus. Just in case I decided to become "that" pregnant lady who just crys and pees all the time.

There was an employee adjusting the clearance rack listening to me tell my husband how overwhelming this was. 

"Can I help you find something," she said. 

Tears starting to form in the corners of my eyes I slipped out a "No thank you, there is just a lot of baby clothes in here(no shit Rachel...hello it's a baby clothing store) I mean it's hard to find something together." 

I think she was confused by my response. She rattled off the sales and said. "Well all the boys clothes are on this side and all of the girls are on that half". ((Thank you for that information the pink and blue didn't give it away for me, but really its my fault for being such a nutcase and not explaining myself)).

Until. 

"Which one are you having?"

Insert apparent tears. 

"Both," as I immediately apologized for being a freak and crying. ((Say something before she thinks you are upset you are having twins dumbass)).  "We are so happy and excited and obviously overwhelmed. We just found out. Today."

((Good recovery))

"Ohhhhh. Wow. Well congrats."

I knew there wasn't a twin section after that response. And she pretty much was like good luck with that. And it made me laugh. My husband walks over with an outfit making me laugh more and proceeds to look at the clearance rack not thinking about the babies ages for next winter picking out something summery. Again I laugh and give him the rundown on sizes. 

No more crying. I think it has passed. I am more drained and zombie stoned like as I shuffle over to the girls side. Trying to find matching outfits while standing on one side of the store is more complicated than solving a rubiks cube without peeling off the stickers and putting them where you want. There is literally thousands of choices of the cutest baby crap it makes it even harder to decide. I grab something coral for a girl because teal and coral are my jamberry sauce. And my husband spots something in a similar color for a boy. 

Score. Let's get out of here before psycho sister Rachel comes back and ruins a rack of clothes with tears. 

To say all day I was still processing the blessing of first of all having twins. No matter what the sexes I would have been happy and cried. But to find out we were having boy girl twins was more than this infertile momma could handle. Is this real life? I'm still struggling to manage the emotional thoughts of actually being pregnant everyday and now God has blessed us with a boy and a girl. Water works city yall. 

I am forever grateful and everything I went through over the years is fading into background noise. I wasn't sure if it would as I've said before but these babies are filling a crater sized hole that's been waiting on them forever and they aren't even here yet. Excuse me while I go buy stock in Kleenex...and Pampers. 

In the meantime we moved into a new house. Yay no more three story letting your dogs out in the middle of the night to pee or carrying laundry up two flights of a two bedroom cramped townhouse. 

Pictures to come soon of my projects on the new house. We literally were up until 3am painting a hutch with my hot husband(muscles and you chalk paint and sand furniture with me) this week is amazing. 

Besides this. Find a perfect mismatched paint for $3.00 dollars. Let it roll out of your cart for free. Hopefully we do better with the twins.

I found another mismatched paint in another exact color I wanted so it made up for it. And thankfully I was wearing my AE $20 dollar boots not my $160 Uggs two Marine friends of ours bought me. Who pays that much for shoes anyways. Crazy. And I'm rambling.....but here's the before and after $40 dollar hutch. Get your wow face on girls.

I also have nursery furniture refurbishing going on. Just typing nursery is surreal. I'm sorry if it offends you or hurts your feelings. I definitely will focus on blogging about DIY projects and not how huge I am getting or what it's like being pregnant. Ain't nobody got time for that. I cherish each day no matter how hard it is compared to what should be an easy trimester from every other person but the babes are making me earn my pregnancy for sure.  I still thank my lucky stars and get on my knees for the gift(S) I've been given knowing friends I've met online and in real life are still waiting or hitting a current road block in infertility. My heart hurts not being able to do anything to help but just sit here and be all pregnant and talk about nurseries and twins. It really does. 

But until next time ladies. Thanks for the love and support you always give. 

Shortest post ever. YouTube video update.

Back so soon?...I know. You are probably sick of hearing me talk about myself so much.  I know I am. So lets switch it up.

I finally got off my lazy ass finished the second part of "Our Infertility Journey"...blah blah blah. I know its loaded with cheese but I couldn't leave my YouTube faithfuls hanging on an infertile limb wondering if I ever got knocked up. Besides I first started vlogging before blogging anyways. And I needed to finish a part two for the part one. Plus I need something to show our kids in 14 years when they are crying about not getting a new car for their birthday and saying how much we don't love them. "Here's your new car punk"((shows them their IVF a bills and walks away like a boss)). 

So if you want to endure four minutes of briefly skimming over an IVF cycle making it look like a cake walk you can click the YT button on the right side of my screen at the top or you can just click here. Yes mom...right where it says "here".  

There was only so much I could cram in to the four minutes and a lot of things like saying "OH MY MOTHER TRUCKING GAWD it worked. It actually worked!

Or....the fact that I say things like "don't look back" or "never give up". I'm sure you're thinking its easy for me to say those things seeing that I am pregnant AND with twins now. But believe me. I've always said those things. I gritted my way through annoying baby showers. (Hello never having one of those awful things. You're welcome). I sat bleeding at a funeral losing our baby. I went to many treatments alone because my husband well...was at war. So if anyone has been through it with infertility(raises hand) not to sound like I know everything or is one upping you on the infertile factor scale(who does that) I just don't ever want to come off as "hey you, suck it up you little crybaby" and all pregnant and shit with twins now. That's not what I'm saying at all when I try to be encouraging or sarcastic. Mostly sarcastic. Please pray for my unborn children. 

The past seven years of infertility and what it brought were hard. Not like trying to beat my husband in a game of Madden hard. But fucking hardest thing I've ever went through in my life hard. Even harder to losing a family member or even harder than losing my Max. But we did it. It's over and every day I am so incredibly grateful to get to carry these babies. Where is my damn cookie?

And probably some other things I left out like. How ridiculous it is that some insurances doesn't cover ART.

Ok stop me while I'm not in rantville. Let's just say I left out a lot. Cool. 

Oh and for my grammar police I had a few typos after hours of reading over and over and still I failed.  I need a better program for videos that Rachelify the typos.  However I am uploading the new edited copy now.  I know you creeps won't mind. Sorry I deleted the first. 

So Enjoy! Or don't. I'll jus be over here all "pregnant and shit with twins". (I need help). Good lord. 

K. Bye for now!

One day at a time.

I looked around and only a few people filled the small one room emergency room and there was someone standing behind me waiting to be seen but everyone felt like they were on top of me breathing down my neck waiting for me to say it. To make it real.

As I stood in front of the awkward window with no privacy; glass all the way down to the counter with a small space to slide a card under like a gas station in the city and a stranger on the other side asking for my ID and date of birth.  Everything felt the same.  I had been here before.  I tried to relay the past seven years of infertility and everything I have been through in a few short sentences.  It was more like mumbling tourettes without my usual cursing.

"...12/07/80.....I'm pregnant with twins...and I started bleeding after I got out of the shower...I've been having sharp pain in my right side since yesterday."  My hair still drenched as I tried to speak quietly so everyone in the room didn't focus on the poor girl who was trying to keep from breaking down as my emergency room visit from a year ago that week flashed back in my mind. How could this be happening? We made it so far already...and I just had a normal ultrasound yesterday. This is what I blogged about last week and being terrified of happening.  I finally let my guard down after my ultrasound was again perfect the day before. But at 8pm I slipped back into panic mode and everything felt like it was falling apart around me starting inside my space where there is a bump.

"I....I had an ectopic miscarriage last year....we did IVF.....uhh..umm... I have endometriosis."  I made no sense to even myself at this point.  Why was I telling him this?

"...stop talking, you are such an idiot, I thought to myself."

I just started stumbling over words that might help me get back to a room faster.  I was more important than the guy with the flu or the boot camp student on crutches waiting to be seen.  At least that's what was playing in my head as I sat there waiting to be seen as every second ticked by and it seemed like an eternity.

Fifteen minutes creeped by but it felt like hours..."Thank you Jesus," as she called my name. Sorry Mr. Flu, I probably would have lost it if they would have seen you first. I remember my first flu.

Everything was the same. The smell, the sounds, the routine. Get undressed, give your "story", take some vitals, the Dr. will be with you shortly.  It was like I was falling in the same pit and there wasn't anything I could do. "Remain calm...don't cry...don't do it...think about something happy," I repeated in my head over and over.

Whoever said don't stress because it is worse for your pregnancy must have to be Gandhi in this shitty nightmare situation.  I was doing pretty good holding it together on the outside. I didn't want my husband to worry. Who knew what was going on at this point. It could be nothing I tried to convince myself over and over.

I had some blood drawn and then was wheeled down to have an ultrasound done just like before.   She was clicking away on the keyboard and moving the probe over my abdomen. The waiting in those minutes are endless.  She flipped the screen around and we saw our two little babies moving around like they were in Vegas at a Cirque du Soleil show.  She printed off some ultrasound pictures and let us know that she wasn't a doctor but everything in her eyes looked fine but the Dr. would talk to us more back in the room.

I laid in bed back in my room and started ugly crying for a solid ten minutes.  You know the one.

I had made it this far tonight but everything that happened and the flashbacks from last year consumed every part of me.  There was no thinking of happy thoughts to distract myself. My nurse walked in and tried to reasure me everything was ok.  All I could do was cry.  "Hormones?" she asked, I nodded yes but really it was just so she would stop looking at my dumb bawl baby face.   I was so upset at my body, overwhelmed with fear and overjoyed with some relief that so far everything was "ok."  I was fucking bleeding after everything I have been through thats what I really wanted to say.  Really I was just spotting and had cramping but simply there wasn't a definite explanation.  I was terrified.  My blood work came back normal.  I peed in a cup and that came back fine. Thank god they missed that gonorrhea....wait what?(lord I hope the non followers know I'm kidding).... A cyst perhaps is what they came up with.

I'll take it.  Understatement.  We made it home around 2am and I was ordered to rest and call my OB. So that is where I am at.  The bleeding has stopped. The cramps are minimal. The relief is coming back.

As long as these babies keep growing and they stay put for at least another 5 months that is all I ask. I repeated in my head that I will never do this again. I will never ask for another miracle or to be pregnant again. Just this one time please is it too much to ask. Please God just get us through the next five months.

I have some more testing next week at our hospital and again the following week at another hospital with better equipment and a 4D ultrasound to rule out any abnormalities. I will be 12 weeks on Monday and even though I felt a huge relief earlier this week after my appointment, last night made me take a few Mother may I steps back.  Hopefully after all these upcoming tests are finished I can breathe a little easier and share a little more of these two miracles.  Thank you to everyone for all your comments on my posts. I've been slacking at responding and feel like a turd but I read all of them and the support from women who understand even a smart ass such as myself, that doesn't need coddled or to post on social media that my vagina hurts every five seconds, I appreciate the time you take to follow this beautiful disaster of a blog. I really do. So thanks ladies.

Hopefully next time I won't bore you with my bloody pregnant vagina and will have a better update for you. Much love.

Bye! For now.

Torn

What does it mean to be infertile once you become pregnant? It's not like its a title I want to hold on to.  Tonya Harding is the infertile of fertility while Nancy Kerrigan skates along with ease while snagging an Olympic medal. Please excuse my age for all of you  born after 1986 and have no idea who that is.  

Infertile.  I have been that label for so many years and now that I am knocked up via IVF,  I am at a crossroads as to what will become of this unorganized, hot mess of a blog. But more so how I feel about sharing being pregnant.

I will forever be infertile.

Duh. Points to no tubes in my stomach region.

I am not the "we did IVF and had twins then magically got pregnant years later." That can never happen. But what does it REALLY mean now that I am about to end my first trimester with two tiny precious minions growing inside me.

I couldn't be more grateful that's a given. I am still terrified everyday that the world will tilt on its axis and all hell will break loose starting in my uterus.  The saying elephant on your back really equates to the elephant on Rachel's back. If I wake up not sick or the heart burn goes away for a day I go into panic mode. I know there are women out there that know what I'm saying and get why I feel crazy when all my ultrasounds have been perfect. The ones who don't get my antics and who easily say just relax, have never had some real shit happen in their lives. I'm not talking about breaking a nail on Prom night. Or getting stuck in traffic when you are late for a hair appointment. Or heck even your dog dying. That was a bad year. Lets not talk about it.

I know people mean well, but the "don't stress" "relax" "everything will be fine" advice, I've heard them all.  I haven't "let" it sink in, that this is actually happening because as hard as I damn well try; I am just not there yet.  I have nightmares and flashbacks waking up to a bed full of blood or being wheeled down the hall of the hospital back and forth from ultrasounds to exams the night I started to miscarry.

The biggest dilemma I have along with allowing myself to relax since my Dr. knocked me up and looking like just another dependa robot spitting out kids at the military hospital is the guilt.

Why is there so much guilt surrounding me and this oversized lump on my stomach? I feel like I am stuck in a tug-of-war and one part of me is being pulled to shout to the world how happy I am and the other part of me is being pulled feeling immense guilt for finally actually being pregnant. I don't post pictures of stupid bump updates.( I don't mind them that much but I know how yall infertile girls feel...kind of been there).  I don't have conversations about how tired I am or will I about the burdens and trials of being a mom in comments or posts about how sick I am or how my Crinone progesterone is the devil. I don't think you should feel bad for doing it either after everything you have been through. I'm just stuck in a quicksand of guilt.

My sweet friend posted a quote not long ago which went something like this.

 

We live in a world where everyone is always camera ready to capture and post every detail of their dumb lives. My dog taking a walk. My dog eating lunch. My dog getting a bath. My dog jumping for a treat. My dog took a shit....so on and so on. Hell I used to be guilty of this and now I am bored of it. Actually I like dogs more than people but seeing "Fido" every five minutes of every day is like watching Kim Kardashian get married. Again. Oh and again and probably again for safe measure. The point isn't about your dumb dog. It's people who complain about the stupidest(yep that just happened) shit on social media.  Our society actually lives in a time where we sit down take a picture then post it online complaining about the dumbest shit like they really have a rough life. Its the few friends that I am so blessed to call my framily that have been through what I'm sure felt/feels like hell to them that amaze me. They don't cry online to the world or post pictures of their cancer coming back or the love of their lives leaving this earth before his or her time. Even though I feel like they have every right more so than you getting a flat tire on the highway snapping a picture and needing sympathy from stranger's online.  If you are laughing at your stupid day I'm not talking about. Come on people you know who I'm talking about. You probably just rolled your eyes over their post. 

 

These few amazing people I speak of are stronger than these others will ever know. 

Personally so you don't think I am full of shit and think I know everything about the world, I will share with you this. I laid on my couch recently holding onto and crying with my friend for hours who lost her husband as her sweet baby slept upstairs with my husband as they were visiting that weekend.  The world is cruel and I still have a hard time understanding why such good beautiful people leave us too soon but I have learned from her strength how grateful I am to be where I am even after years of what seems so minimal now compared to the past year for her. Honestly, I really think she isn't human. But I am so lucky human or not human to be in her and her sons life. And the people that post humor and sarcasm when the world is literally spitting in their face. I love you guys too. #samesies

I know I am not making sense seeing that I went from talking about feeling guilty to rambling about talking more about your blessings.  The thing is, I want to talk about my blessings but the guilt I feel for the women still waiting for miracles to happen is holding me back. I don't want anyone to think I am not grateful for being blessed with a successful IVF cycle, with twins, no doubt.  That the 30% chance of both embryos sticking replayed in my head over and over again up until my 6 week ultrasound.  On the other end of things I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Why is this so hard? Why do I care what anyone thinks? How do I get over this feeling?  This isn't typical of myself.

That's more like it. My idol. Thanks Nene.

Now I feel better. I need to get it together and stop acting like a crazy, emotional, infertile now pregnant person who is trying to walk the Great Wall of China made of egg shells of infertility. Blessings are much better than burdens to speak on. I am not sure where this will go from here. I am not here to rub in the fact that you are still infertile and I will have two babies come July. Maybe I should change my name? "Guilty Infertile" "Sorry I beat the odds" "Tubeless with Twins".....if you have any suggestions please pass them along. And if you are tracking on what I'm saying please let me know I'm not crazy.  In the meantime please think about my beautiful friend(look at that smile...geez she amazes me) and her sweet little boy when needing to take the time to post a picture out of  needing sympathy for your kid not sleeping all week and how hard life is.

Posting pictures of bad pedicures or jacked up haircuts is acceptable as long as you can laugh at yourself. Texting them to me is even better.

Byeeeeee.