So those were the initial thoughts pumping through this brain of mine a few hours ago. I went into the appointment thinking for the hundredth time, he was going to do just a vaginal ultrasound; AKA dildo cam (KG) or follicle finder as I like to call it. Keep scrolling if this is TMI. Then again your probably aware that I am the TMI girl and love embarrassing myself to keep from crying.
|This is the magical Baby Makers wand! Safety first.|
Surprise!! Your ovulating. "We must do it now," says my RE.
"Wait. What? Now. IUI. Now??"
Those were my exact words as I panicked but with excitement and nerves all at once. I honestly did not know what to expect. I waited an hour to go back. I went to mine and D's usual spot for some food to wait out the next hour. Sitting there alone eating my amazing French toast I started to weep. Terrible thoughts have crossed my mind the past few days and its hard not to think of those things even in this moment. The "what ifs" of your husband not coming home alive from Afghanistan after you become pregnant after five years of trying is always lurking in the crevice of my brain. I have to stop thinking like this. Would life be that cruel?? An infertile woman, now pregnant but her husband is killed in Afghanistan before baby arrives. I am such a freak. Honestly at this point I think of the worst scenarios to keep my feet on the ground and not get so broken down every cycle. That way when something goes normal I am extremely thankful.
What was really going on with me? I felt crazy. I was so happy that finally the moment I have been waiting for was about to happen but I let my emotions get the best of me. Or we could blame the fertility drugs. That would be my choice.
So enough with the pity party. I pulled up my big girl panties, imaginatively, only to take them off in 20 minutes physically. I headed back for my IUI, leaving my pride and a five dollar tip on the table.
|Needle full of sperm for one please.|
I even asked my Dr. if he could record the process for my husband since he got the pleasure of being absent. He laughed, as he was inserting the needle of thawed sperm we had frozen weeks before up into the pencil tube that then goes directly to the motherland. Hopefully we have a few Michael Phelps on our team and one of them makes it to the ship. The ship being an egg of course. It's not like they have any work to do. They just caught a free ride on the Fallopian Tube Expressway. So is it too much of me to ask them to just find one damn egg!? I didn't think so.
20-30%. That's the chance my doctor gave me with this cycle. We had to use frozen sperm so it's more on the 20% spectrum. So I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. Literally.
I am at home laying in bed now. Not because I have too. Just because I am lazy. I am not taking any chances that this 400 dollars worth of my baby daddy's babies are coming out. And no, scientifically that really doesn't matter. But I am erring on the side of crazy these days.
The 2ww starts now. No, "surprise I am pregnant announcements" coming from this girl. I couldn't leave my Instagram ladies hanging out to dry. But then again hoping for the best. Praying this is the path we are suppose to be on. Try to bare with me and pray for a fast 14 days with good results. I'm going to need it!
Again thanks for all your positive thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them even though I try to make this experience light for my sanity, it is very serious and personal.
|My weepy but very delicious french toast.|
|Fertility bracelets from loved ones. Check! Pink and blue support for NIAW! Check! Fertility charm from little sister. Check!|
|This was immediately following my vaginal US! Hey look! My lucky infertility sister socks! Thanks G!|
|Seeing your husband for the first time in weeks and telling him you might be having a baby, Priceless.|