Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Infertile To Bruce Banner In 6 Seconds

Let me start by saying that if you don't know who Bruce Banner is I feel bad for you son.  I got 99 problems but needing infertility advice ain't one. Hit me....

Don't make me angryyyy......I may also use swear words, respond irrationally or let you know how I really feel and then blog about it during my 2ww.  8DPIUI might I also throw in there in case you start to judge.  

Who could go through life living so angry anyways?? Besides maybe the Hulk, Al-Qaeda, Yosemite Sam, KKK members, WestBoro Baptist Church, Angelica from Rug-rats, Kim Jong-un, Ursula, and possibly Montana Max from Acme Acres, to name a few.  I do not want a life of anger or sadness but unfortunately it sometimes pops up. Today I am sharing what I learned from that.  Whether it makes any sense or not that is up for you to decide.  Besides this is suppose to be a personal blog about personal issues. Not a fantasy land where I pick flowers and slide down rainbows that shoot out skittles while birds are chirping.  I am learning too.

Apparently I left out a part in my "What to Expect Post..." how someones unwanted, patronizing, and condescending advice makes me explode into a full-blown Hulk smash rage, destroying every building in sight.  A person should always note that someone dealing with infertility does not want your advice unless of course they are asking for it. When you then add on rude comments or side jokes trying to undermine any decision that I have made that is related to my infertility, it only adds fuel to the fire.  And we are not making s'mores people.

Houston we have a problem.

I can not be any clearer on the statement that you can not understand any part of  this journey unless you have been in my shoes.  That also goes along with choices I have made in my life, as crazy or indecisive they may seem in others happy little bubble wrapped world they fit perfectly in mine.  And they are never something to be joked about in a patronizing way.  Yes I got another dog on my husbands 3rd deployment.  How about you try spending years away from your husband or wife at war and not being able to have a child on top of that.  Then and only then, you can tell me how to live my life or make light of my choices on coping with my ongoing heartbreak.  Its not like I bought a Bengal tiger that can eat me or a monkey that throws poop everywhere.  My life, my choices, my struggles, my coping mechanisms.  Pretty simple. Right?


I would also like to point out, again, that for the past year I have been on some kind of fertility drug(s) and some alot of times saying the wrong thing, making a bad joke about my struggle and giving a fake, condescending apology buys you a free ticket to my outraged side show of a response or blog.  If you are lucky I will roll my eyes, mumble under my breathe a quiet, "bless yer heart" and walk away.   I would never joke about your dog dying and then tell you I am sorry you didn't know I was just joking. That is like saying sorry you can't take a joke but here is my half-ass apology to make you feel worse.  Yes mistakes happen, people say the wrong obvious things.  We are human, I am not an idiot and I acknowledge this. But if you do not know how any of that makes me feel then it will keep continuing over and over until I explode. Or Hulk mode as I like to call it.

It is very frustrating to hear or read something from someone who has no idea what pain or unhappiness for years feels like.  You can't spit out quotes you see online or tell me how to be happy and how life is grand when you have never walked where I or many others have.  Well, legally you can but please do not think I will not take it lightly.  Please do not think I am saying no one has the right to share, post, comment, copy and paste, or upload how they view life and the keys to eternal happiness in person or online.  Huge Libertarian over here! I try to be positive and keep the fires of hope burning all the time.  Its all about intentions.

What  hurts is when someone thinks you choose to be unhappy. If I had a choice in life, many things would be different. I wouldn't choose infertility, I wouldn't choose my husband to be in Afghanistan,  I wouldn't choose to miscarry a baby, I wouldn't choose to to be heartbroken every month.   It is only when you choose to stand on your one-sided soap box and try to "put someone in there place" while stating the OBVIOUS about how we have choices in life.  You then come off fake, very condescending, and heartless. Not a good look at all.  If you are trying to be helpful to a friend or family member do it from a place of good not evil. Think to yourself, "Is this something I would want to hear right now if I was in her shoes?"  Instead of preaching to me how life is full of choices and I have to get over myself and my "insignificant hiccup" in life is simply just a choice to be happy or sad about. Thank you Captain Obvious.  There is also this thing called tact if you have never heard of it.  Maybe it will help you out next time your casting out your stone?

Enough with the negativity.  I was also told the other day that I have been "pushing people away."  Whatever that crap line is suppose to mean, I find it almost laughable. It is so funny that a person knows everything about someones life, yet knows nothing. Throughout this whole crazy path that I am on, my "friendships" have actually become stronger. I have met so many strong, intelligent, kindhearted, beautiful women that have stood by me through my ups and downs. The downs are what matter most.  That is when you need strong people around you telling you it will get better.  It is bittersweet knowing I have so many people in my corner cheering me on, knowing what I am going through.  It is bittersweet in that it hurts to know that they have felt the same pain that I have but knowing they can relate.  They are the human voice I listen to when I need advice or someone to vent too.  I am humbled when I hear stories filled with more pain than mine, when they hurt I hurt, when they say keep moving forward I listen. Yes I pray and give my struggles to God, I know he chose my path and that it is already laid out for me to find. I am just thankful for not feeling like I am the only person walking this road alone.  On top of that it gives me peace and comfort and a greater hope when I see women like myself find their way.        

 There are people that you lose along the infertility road whether they have decided to step back or you have decided it is easier to keep a distance.  No one can judge someone for letting go of relationships that are only hurting a person.  That is just a fact of life and of growing and moving on.  So no, I do not feel like I have pushed anyone away as opinionated and heartless as that was to hear.  My infertility may be driving a wedge between some relationships.  Yes.  But  my intentions are never to push anyone away.  There comes a time when you must decide if you need to distance yourself from someone to keep moving forward or end a relationship altogether.  This is not about the other person, it is about me and what I can bare. This journey is about me trying not to lose myself in this stormy, uncharted ocean.  Either you can CHOOSE to be a broken sail flapping in the wind damaging my ship or an anchor that holds fast and keeps me steady.  I prefer anchors. I'm not much of a broken sail kind of gal.

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