Wednesday, April 17, 2013

What To Expect When Your Friend Is Not Expecting~Part One

So this is the blog you want to read if you know someone that is dealing with infertility. This is not a blame game or a way to make people feel guilty. This is to help educate everyone on infertility. I am not an expert. I never claimed to be a psychologist or a saint for that matter. I have been learning along the way as well. Everyone is different and there may be someone who magically has no feelings about these things. I wish I was more like her. These are just my opinions and experiences and I hope that at least one person may be hurt less or helped more by reading, sharing and growing as we go through this together.

Whether someone just started trying or it could be that they have been trying for many years.  Then there is also the couple that you may not even know are experiencing infertility because they choose not to share.  This first blog is just about not asking the dreaded question that we hear one too many times.

Rule number one is as follows in this picture. It is for everyone. So please take your time and re-read this over to yourself and make sure it sinks in.

I am not sure along in my journey where this question started becoming overwhelming for me.  There were different stages I went through, to get where I am at now. I guess this question may seem appropriate to ask a couple that has done all the "right" steps in what society believes should be everyone's life. I am probably guilty of this question years ago. Not that I can recall any specifics, but this was before I knew anything about infertility. 

If you meet someone for the first time...Correction. If you meet someone ever. This doesn't have to be a topic of conversation. I can think of a million things to talk about, that does not include the status of my ovaries and future children. 

After someone is comfortable with you and you become friends then maybe at that time she will want to talk about having children or not being able to have children. Then again for the most part she will probably not. Do not take that to heart. INFERTILITY IS NOT SOMETHING ANYONE CAN UNDERSTAND UNLESS THEY ARE OR HAVE GONE THROUGH IT THEMSELVES. PERIOD. 
A person can not make another person understand what it feels like to struggle month after month and feel defeated. To lose a battle every month. To not be able to carry a child past 5 weeks. To lose that special angel baby that they have prayed, cried, dreamed, and hoped for. I am guilty of this trying to make people understand myself. No matter how many Pinterest posts you make or Instagram pictures you share. You will not get through to them. And thats ok. Its not their fault for not being able to understand. They just have to learn how to be sensitive or how to be a good listener. It is a very hard struggle but it can be done.

For years I would tell people that I wasn't ready to have a baby. While inside I was just wishing they would shut up. I know I am 27 years old(now 32), thank you for rubbing that in my face that I am only getting older. I am not an idiot. Even though your constant pressures and questioning make me feel like I am on trial for something I have no control over. I also have three dogs, have been with my husband for almost nine years and married for five. So now, for me, I feel like people should get it by now. Especially because in the past year I have begun to speak out about it more and more. Thank you Instagram and Facebook(just recently) for letting me enlighten some people. I have learned what to say and when to just walk away from an ignorant person. I have learned who to hid news feeds from and who not to add to my friends or followers lists. This has helped tremendously but it doesn't however get rid of all the uneducated people out there. 

Case in point, a male acquaintance of my husband, that when on the topic of having kids told me that I just needed to relax. That him and his wife didn't even want kids and they got pregnant on accident a month after getting married. Thank you for that tip buddy. I believe the crack you where smoking while learning about conception might have damaged your tiny fertile brain. I gave him a quick lesson with accurate knowledge on infertility and how being relaxed had nothing to do with myself making a child. He said nothing else after that. He is welcome that I didn't push him into the fire pit we were sitting around. Even so, I felt so angry and just wanted to scream at him at the top of my lungs. How inconsiderate and rude people can be. I hate people that know everything about everything. Let me let you in on a little secret. You do not! This made me take a few steps back and not be so open. 

I do not like feeling angry towards people that just have no idea about infertility. Its not their fault. Infertility is not something that everyone is open to discuss. It involves a lot of emotions that once again, no one can understand unless they are going or have gone through it. Which leads us to not want to say anything. How can I explain something that you in the end will not understand?! 

This goes back to part of the reason why you shouldn't ask the dreaded baby question. Some women are either about to break from trying and are barely hanging on. Maybe you are the third person to ask her that this week?! What if she just had a miscarriage?! There are hundreds of reasons why she might not want to share. In all honesty its none of your dang business. 

So please do not even go there. If someone is planning on having children and is not dealing with infertility, you can be assured they will let you know. And if they are dealing with infertility they will talk to you about it when they are comfortable. In the meantime ask them about where they grew up or what kind of creamer they like in their coffee? Those are things we can talk about. Army brat and sugar free French vanilla. Just so you know. 
This is me(cheerleader) being an Army brat  in Germany with my sister circa 1989

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