Friday, May 3, 2013

More Support Than Victoria Secret

First things first, let me get this out of the way.  I am not do not know if I am pregnant. Yet.

I am only 10, maybe 11DPIUI, and the sight of an early test and a seemingly typical "Not Pregnant" tests that screams; screw you, middle finger, punch to the gut is not what I am prepared for today. There is always tomorrow.

For now I wanted to share with people of how my infertility has not left me feeling unsupported and angry. And even if it did, I have every damn right to be. I am not over here running the final lap of the Kentucky Derby in first place. I am more like the horse with the broken leg that gets put down because it will never live up to its own expectations. Ok, lets be honest.  I only feel like that at the end of every month and only for a day or two. Or maybe when someone tells me they are pregnant(again). Or when I see a dad playing with their kid(s) at the park. Or....I think hope you get it? Point is you do not know how this struggle is effecting me or millions of women like me. Quite frankly in the past five years I would like to think I have handled it quite well.  ALOT of my friends and family had no idea this was even going on.  However, since I have "came out" about my infertility, a few months ago, there have been a handful of people to criticize and give unwanted, bad advice.  I must ask why?? Why can't  people just not keep their big, dumb mouths shut?? This is something I will never understand.

I am sharing something very personal and close to my heart by opening up my blog to the world.  If you do not like something on any of my pages then for the love of God just move on and get off my blog.  Go troll on a page where a teen crackhead mom is posting pictures of her baby swearing and flipping off the camera.  Then maybe you would be able to make a valid point.  Why must you feel the need to comment, private message or email me with anything that would only add more pain and more bitterness to my struggle? Your beating a dead dog over here.  Great job Einstein. I will now go nominate you for the Pulitzer Peace Prize.  Your welcome.

So screw you is what my bitter infertile side would want to say. But a simple more lady like "bless yer' heart" is what my grandma would want me to say. Bless your heart, now keep trolling somewhere else drama queen.

I would like to also add that many women struggle everyday with an anger and bitterness leaving them feeling very alone.  Infertility is a very isolating disease and treated very much like PTSD(post traumatic stress syndrome) by therapists.  I however do not feel alone. Fortunately for me, unlike your assumption(you know what they say about assuming). I have great support. More than the few bad ones that creep up on us every now and then.

My first line of support comes from God. I am not the best Christian, as it is a work in progress. I do know one thing though, that if anyone is fighting for and standing behind me it is him.  He is the only reason I have not become an angry, bitter and lonely person all the time.  Yes, I forget sometimes that he is in control because I am just that, a human being.  But he didn't give me this struggle to curse me or make me not love him.  He gave it to me to rely on him, to trust in him and lean on him in times of pain and sorrow.

My next support is the obvious one. My husband.  He is not only my husband but he is my "person". If you watch Grey's then you will get that. I feel bad sad for you, if you do not get it. This man always knows what to say and when to say it to make me feel better. He is like having a personal comedian, that loves me unconditionally(even when the fertility drugs are raging) and never shows disappointment or lack of empathy. Did I mention he is pretty fine, he loves all animals and looks great with his shirt off? Yes, amen to that sister!

My "person' and Nancy(a rescue from Afghanistan)

My third line of defense is my family and friends. And by friends I am mostly talking about my online #infertilitysisters. My instagram TTCers if you will. I talk with them daily. Some of them are like a reflection of myself and it feels comforting knowing they are always there.  I have gotten so many emails, texts and private messages from family and friends that have brought me to tears. I now know not to check my email, IG  and phone when I am in public. Or I end up looking like Brittany Spears in her bad days.

Thankfully she recovered.
But seriously.  I have beautiful people praying over me everyday in all of those forms.  I never ask for sympathy only for people to understand why I may do or say the things I do. How blessed am I to have such an amazing group of people standing beside me? Overwhelmingly blessed.  All of that trumps the occasional insignificant person that tries to judge you without walking in your shoes. Please do not get discouraged from one or few peoples heartless comments. You have to learn to just let them go and they are not worth any added stress. Or you could write a post about it on your personal blog if that tickles your fancy?

These are just a few of my physical showing of support that I have received in just the past few months. What awesome friends. Thank you M, my sister, and G for these gifts! You girls rock!

I guess I just want to say thank you. It seems some of my posts can come off angry or that I have no love and support in my little infertile world. It is quite the contrary.  I have come across many blogs where woman have lost hope. They actually hate hope. It is a love hate relationship for me at times. Some women do not even like someone to pray for them. It makes me sad.  I feel so thankful that I have not let this struggle change who I am completely.  Will I feel differently in 5 more years of still being infertile? I do not know. I try to take it one day at a time.  For now I will hold on to my hope. Because that is one thing that I do have that picks me up after every failed cycle and launches me into the next. Thank you to those that support me when I am up and when I am down.  I love you guys!

This is what my Friday night consists of. there will probably be lots of crying , but what else is new.

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